What Is The Meaning Of This Kardashian?

So I was watching the latest episode of The Other Kardashian’s: One & Two Take Miami (that’s what I call it in my head) and my favorite psychopath Scott Disick was back on his b.s. Now as you know he is by far my favorite character on television ever in life. Ever. It’s not just because of his crazy colorful suits, slicked back killer hair and menacing eyes, it’s mostly just the drinking that I love. Forget what Dr. Drew tells you people, raging alcoholics are where it’s at. I mean really, can he get any funnier than when he was so drunk he punched a mirror then had to be rushed to the hospital? A-maz-ing! But apparently this isn’t good if you have a kid and a common law wife. But here is my question: why on Earth is E! airing this as if Kourtney is so over her baby daddy if they’re not broken up in real life? I guess it’s just to make me giggle, and giggle I have my friend. Oh the laughs! I love to see couples going through it so long as it’s not me and with a character like Scott it gets no better. Hopefully if Big Baby Jesus cares about me one ounce, as I’ve been told that he does, he’ll make sure that Scott gets spoon-fed jugs of alcohol while the cameras roll on so that I will have a reason to live! Thank you Scott, Khloe and that yummy little baby of yours for displaying the kind of dysfunctional TV family that I can finally get on board with. Keep up the good work. I command thee.

Hey Mel Gibson! You Complete Me You Romantic C*NT!

Everyday like a child on Christmas morning I wake up hoping that Santa Baby has left me yet another sweet morsel from none other than The Passion of The Christ himself, Mel Gibson. Now I know there’s way more important things to write about but I prefer to address this story because it makes me laugh and let’s face it, laughter is the best medicine (except for if you have a disease then you would probably need real medicine…but I digress), Mel’s rants against his baby mom’s Oksana are like little candy filled clouds of happiness wrapped in whimsical phrases like “I’ll burn this Goddamn house down! But bl*w me first!” I mean really, if that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is. As a matter of fact there’s a pretty good chance that Shakespeare himself is rolling over in his grave because he didn’t come up with sugary sweet lines like: “I’ll put you in a f*ckin rose garden!” Honestly there’s nothing more tranquil and beautiful than a rose garden, so who wouldn’t want to be put there?
As if he knows that I am holding on to every single syllable Crazy-Mel makes sure to use all of the four letter words that shoot an arrow straight to my heart. No these aren’t your mother’s dirty words, oh no, this is real life sh*t. Among my favorite is the word c*nt which is underused and underappreciated in common American literature, but not in Mel’s world. He is single handedly bringing it back in a major way, which proves that he cares about teaching the babies. So to you Mel Gibson, thank you for your love and support, may you continue to be the amazing romantic c*nt that you are!

I Want Off This Rollercoaster Now: Real Housewives of New York Away With You!

First off let me tell you that at the start of this season of The Real Housewives of New York, I couldn’t have been happier. Of all the housewives New York and Atlanta are my favorites. But just like that tall crazy rollercoaster that you want so badly to try as you’re gazing up at it before you make it to the line---you soon find out that you should have never strapped yourself in but it’s too late and you’re already being pulled forward. This my friends, is how I describe this season. The yelling, the crying, the lack of self-awareness, Ramona’s crazy eyes…I need therapy! I knew things were gonna get crazy when I got to see the whole Bethenny Jill co-dependent marriage fall apart but big baby Jesus I had NO IDEA it was that deep.

Faze one: The fight. I of course chose sides very quickly—team Bethenny—but when the housewives split up (three and three) it was like the movie Mean Girls with menopause. I mean really, I have no time for this madness! All this catyness and stupid arguments with the “she said she said” and the poor husbands stuck in the middle. I’ve never seen such juvenile behavior. When my 4-year-old niece doesn’t like something she doesn’t act all shifty and victimized like Jill, no she says “stop doing that I don’t like it” and that’s that. As a matter of fact, these housewives could learn a few things from my niece she’s very straightforward.

Anyway …on to faze two: Put her on blast. By the time Bethenny attempted to salvage her relationship with Jill but she had sadly gone all super lesbian with LuAnn I was too over it. Putting Bethenny on speakerphone while she tried to reason with you?! Classy. And not for nothing LuAnn is a super duper starship trooper psycho.

Faze three: Ramona’s eyes. Of all the crazy things this season those are were definitely the craziest. Yes they were sitting up on a platter for the world to see as she walked down the runway for this thing called “Fashion Week” but not in Manhattan. No it was on some planet called Brooklyn. All very strange.

Faze four: Money can’t buy you class. This, the final faze, is a double-header. It includes Kelly acting super crazy (which by the way I don’t buy for one minute she’s not as dumb as she looks) on that boat then even crazier when they docked that boat and moved into a mansion. Honestly those last couple episodes gave me such a headache that I wanted to do what Bethenny yelled at Kelly: “Go to sleep! Go to sleep!”

Now when it comes to LuAnn singing I am convinced that Real Housewives producers plant moles in different cities trying to convince cast members to do dumb stuff like make songs just for my enjoyment. Not only did her rendition make me want to shoot myself in the face (but not really…I’m too awesome) it provided my family with a super amazing catch phrase for any given Sunday: “elegance is learned my friend.” Thanks to LuAnn I’ll just randomly walk around saying that to anyone who will listen. The homesless man on the street, the barista at Starbucks, my mailman…who cares. At any rate once LuAnn walked down those stairs and sang that first sentence I was so done I was practically screaming in my head: “I WANT OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER!!!” and to think…there’s still a reunion. Sigh.

5 Things I Loathe About Non-Celebrity Fit Club

Another year is upon us and as such VH-1 has hit me with yet another installment of the Celebrity Fit Club series. In the past I was all in because as I’ve said many times before, when it comes to reality tv I have no standards, but a little part of me feels like this network is tryna test my patience. For starters why are there two people that were already on reality shows on the cast? I know the show is for “C,D, and E-list” but why the “Z-list” reality people too? I mean really. Not to say that I didn’t love love Jay from Project Runway, and laugh at Tanisha from The Bad Girls Club but c’mon VH-1 if you’re gonna be careless with it you might as well throw me up there (hey, I’m not fat….take that back!). Moving right along, here are a few little morsels of hate for Non-Celebrity Fit Club:


5. Bobby Brown’s jaw----I’m sick of seeing it. Straighten it up. Doctor’s orders.

4. Tanisha’s voice. Loud, annoying and far to Brooklyn for my taste. If you know me, then you know that I used to live in New York and although I have some good friend from and living in the BK, that voice is not something that I like. Cut it out.

3. Tanisha---just in general she deserves and honorable mention again just for all her other behavior.

2. The weird faces that Harvey makes. Like any drill sergeant worth his weight in dog tags Harvey has to scream and spit in people’s faces but his face is kinda sorta not that cute so I’d rather he didn’t.


1. Shar Jackson—okay, okay we get it. K-Fed left you for Brit Brit. You were pregnant then he knocked her up two times over, took her bread and you’re still stuck like chuck. Now don’t get it twisted, I think that’s pretty shady but I mean get over it, or at least don’t talk about it while the guy is standing (or sitting) right next to you. We all see the elephant in the room, so either acknowledge it for what it is or lose some weight (both emotionally and physically) and let that ish go. For what it's worth K-Fed is actually pretty quiet so its hard to imagine him as the gold-digger that he really is. I mean let’s face it, he is one hell of a rapper. Does that count for nothing?!

Scott Kardashian: Most Valuable Player

When it comes to the Kardashians there’s lots to keep up with. Mainly the random shit that they do on their E! show and how they pretend to have real talent (true story. No hatred here folks). Either way, I watch the show so what can I say. As we lead up to the season finale, E! blessed (or cursed) us with two brand new episodes, and one was so sweet with dysfunction that I need to see my dentist after watching. I’m talking of course about the episode where Scott Disick (aka Scott Kardashian, aka Kourtney’s baby’s daddy) flipped his lid and showed his rainbow of crazy man colors. In the episode Scott can be seen throwing back gallons of alcohol only to emerge as the hidden gem of the Kardashian fam bam. From his impeccable suit choices, (think Christian Bale in American Psycho) to his slicked back hair (again, think Christian Bale in American Pyscho) I mean this guy is unreal! Not only did he get into fights with pretty much everyone in sight, he whispered a few romantic morsels like: “I’m ready to fucking do some bad things tonight,” and “Don’t be looking at my cock sister!” Oooh and let's not forget when he seductively shoved a $100 bill in a waiters mouth for refusing to give him more booze. Romance! I mean honestly this was probably the best thing I’ve ever seen. It was electric, hilarious, and downright amazing! So to you Scott Disick Kardashian, I say welcome to the Reality TV Hall of Fame. Take a seat over there next to Natalie and her Chin (from the Bad Girl’s Club) and Shawna’s “Stage 5 Hurricane Face” (as told by Patti Stinger of ‘Millionaire Matchmaker').

40 Days and 40 Nights of Reality Show Enjoyment

Like many of you on this planet called earth, specifically in this country called America, I hate my life. To make up for it, I watch reality tv in an attempt to find somebody— anybody— whose life is more lame and pathetic than my own. Be that as it may, for the past couple months I have been lost in reality tv bliss and there are three shows that I would like to give special thanks to. So read on!


Jersey Shore:

First I’d like to say “I beat that beat up! I totally killed it on the dance floor. Massacred it.” (*insert fist pumps). Watching this show may have killed a good million or so of my brain cells, but I could care less. I mean who needs brain cells anyway? The best thing about this tanned, oily, Italian, east coast debacle is the fact that these people have no sense of self-awareness. I could blame this on the fact that people in certain areas (i.e. New York and surrounding states) seem to think the world is only their borough or their city, so its really no wonder why these clowns are so hilarious. But guess what? I still love it. Every single minute of it. My favorite character would have to be Pauly D. His hair is frozen in time, and he always has something hilarious to say. What’s not to love? Next would have to be Vinny. Yes he’s still being breast fed by his mom but hey, ya gotta eat right? The thing about Vinny is he’s like an annoying little brother that wishes he could stomp with the big dogs and whenever he does manage to sneak with them he’s all smiles.

Honorable mention would have to be Snooki, for being the only person (who is legally not a “little person”) that is shorter than me. Thanks Snooks!

Like any show worth its weight in reality tv gold, when Jersey Shore started goo-gobs of Italians were up in arms because the show perpetuates the “guido” stereotype. Let me say that I totally feel you on that, I mean after all I’m black so I have to deal with those problems in the media everyday (this means you BET, thanks for NOTHING!!!). On the flip side though, if you take this show away from me, I just might die so pipe down with all your whining and stop blocking the tv. Thanks.



Teen Mom:

I love watching skanks. *Cough. *Cough. Let me rephrase that—that was very rude. I love watching teen skanks who got pregnant and/or dropped out of school and now they’re trying to figure out just where the hell they went wrong in life. No, honestly, Teen Mom is MTV’s best kept secret. If I had a teenager (or a pre-teen for that matter) I’d sit them in front of the sofa Tuesday’s at 10 p.m. and say “do you want this to be your life? No? Then get your shit together and keep your legs closed! Or I’ll be forced to thrash you.”

Now I know that MTV stands for music television, which they never seem to play, but Teen Mom is actually pretty interesting, kind of funny and worth an hour of my life. I have no favorite here though, each one of the girls reminds me of what a loser I could have been in their own special way. Love it.!


Bad Girls Club:


This show should really be changed to “drunk girls who like to fight but not really, they really just wanna call each other bitch” club ( I guess “Bad Girls Club” is the shortened version). What I love about this show is since I’m a girl, I tend to get over involved, take sides, and curse back at the tv as if one of those tramps are speaking directly to me. Mainly because I don’t like bullies (this means you FLORINA) who think they’re big shit because they punk losers. But since I’m not on the show none of that really matters. This season is extra spicy, because some chick (who claims to be from the Bay Area---like myself) and her chin keep me laughing ‘til the cows come home. Yes there are lots of fights, and drinks being thrown but that’s pretty much the norm. Oxygen managed to throw in a little something extra this time around as if they knew I was yearning for more. My guess is they read my diary, or the hate mail that I’ve been sending to them all year. Either way, thanks biootches!


Sadly the season is coming to and end. I’ve already lost Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and Bad Girls Club is coming up next. I really don’t know what I’ll do when that happens, so I’m going to stop typing now before I start to cry.

Keyshia Cole Ain't Messin W/ Frankie N Neffie....Here's Why!

STATEMENT FROM KEYSHIA COLE


To all my friends and fans - It's time that I clear the air. It's not a secret that I haven't been in contact with my mother Frankie, and my sisters Neffe and Elite and I never wanted to air out our differences to the public. While I won't go into detail here I find it necessary to let you guys know I decided to stop communication with them because I was at a point in my life where I needed serenity and peace to move forward. Please know I love my family very much but it was time to let it go. You guys are a witness to a lot of what was happening from watching on air and online. Now that I am becoming a mom my passion for having a loving and peaceful home for my child is my #1 priority. It's very important to both Daniel and I. My plate is very full; I have a new baby coming, we are planning our wedding and I am working in the studio on a new album that I am close to completing. The stress that my family is giving me with their constant false reports is not healthy and it's not what I need at this time in my life. Please understand that there are only a few people that can officially confirm or deny anything that's happening in my life and that's me, Daniel, and my publicist, Tresa Sanders. And my girl Monica never lies.



Love Your Girl,



KC