The Latifah Sneaks Into The BET Awards!!!!

Now of course, I live an incredibly random life. I wake up to my computer, crank out news stories, interview people, and every once in a while attend a fab party (i.e. the Frankie B Jean 10th anniversary party I somehow got into the other night). This time around I made my way into the BET awards, on my own merit no less. Yes I work for “the man” so that helps, but don’t get it twisted, Latifah gets her own media access; the assignments aren’t just handed to me (well, most of the time).

Sunday I showed up at the BET Awards and after an hour of waiting in front of a door guarded by some big guy who could not be swayed by a smile and a candy bar, I finally made my way to the red carpet only to find that there was no place for me! Snap. How rude! Thinking on my feet I befriended other media people and worked my way between ABC News and MSNBC. Not bad….I guess. For the next two hours (I’m guessing, I don’t wear a watch) I interviewed some people and they mama (Shots out to Kid Cudi’s mom….we’ll be family soon? No? Too much “stalker” in my voice? Got it.). Cudi rolled through making my heart pitter patter…..Trey Songz looking so fresh and so clean, Mario kissing me & accidentally touching me in a weird place (the dress was a little open, don’t hate), Rich Ross bugging out in all white, Aresnioooooo Hall and his long finger, Gucci Mane laughing at me because I was getting irritated, Chamillionairre letting me hold his chain….blah blah blah. Wait do you notice that I didn’t interview any ladies? Yeah, well that’s because BET hated/ forgot about me, and put me at the beginning of the bad side of the carpet. Not bad because of the media people but bad because by the time celebs made it over to us they were done answering the same questions and rushed inside the building. I was happy to see Beyonce rush by like an angel in a sequenced mini-dress with incredibly high shoulder pads. Aaaah Miss Knowles-Carter you are something like a phenomenon.

One day I’m at the ASCAP awards calling Smokey Robinson’s name so he’ll give me an interview (I’m usually not that aggressive but when it’s Smokey you have to at least try. He didn’t give me interview though. I’m a failure. Sad face.) and the next I’m at the BET Awards. Not bad for The Latifah, not bad at all.

Anyway back to the topic….seeing as how I didn’t want to miss the show, me and my new best friend walked the red carpet and rolled to the “service entrance” of the Shrine Auditorium where we put on our Mission Impossible uniforms and carefully scooted under laser beams so as to not set off the alarm. Where did we end up? In the media room, eating up some nasty sandwiches. I was allowed to go to the bathroom where I ran into Alicia Keys (as I was coming out). I didn’t even realize it was her until it was too late. Random.

The Jacksons were there, Joe and Janet, plus Guy, New Edition, Keith Sweat….wait what year is this again? I’ll tell you this much: no matter what year it is groupies apparently never go out of style. Them hoes took over the BET awards like the swine flu. Cheers to you groupies, for your hard work, dedication, short dresses and high heels shoes. They don’t call it a blow “job” for nothing!

Hola At Ya Boy Bitch!!!…Take That You Crazy Housewife!!!

Ok so I have been waiting all season to hear Caroline say “Let me tell you something about my family, we are as thick as thieves.” The reality gods were truly looking down on me during the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale and I couldn’t be more thankful. Although it was definitely anti-climactic, just when I was ready to throw my TV out the window crazy ass Danielle pulled out that stupid book and got shit crackin’ every which way but the right way. Good work you tight-faced psycho loser. Love it! What’s even better is that she really thought that the party was for her. Um news flash bitch: fall back, nobody cares. Kill yourself. But then again, she’s all about the drama so what more do you expect? How awesome was it that Danielle refused to get into it with Caroline? “Look at me, because I told.” Snap! Hahaha you crazy lady…didn’t expect that did you? Furthermore you were all ready to get it poppin’ with Dina and you hit a huge roadblock then fell back like a botoxed puppy. Nice! Oh and what’s up with Danielle’s freakin’ daughters acting like they were about to “stand up” for their mom? Um no, you guys are children. Just because your mom pretends that you are her girlfriend does not mean you’re adults. It means your mom is a douche bag.

Well New Jersey, you did it again. You lived up to your reputation. Stank, classless and just plain stupid. Here this and hear this well: New Jersey is NOT---I repeat—NOT poppin.’ The only people that like New Jersey are people that live there. Furthermore they secretly love to spend all of their time in “the city” (aka New York) just to pretend that their yellow ass license plates are fly. Guess what, we took a poll and turns out they’re not. Jersey is the armpit of the tri-state area. But I will say this: seeing that it is only 10 miles from my former Harlem, New York digs, best believe I was crossing that bridge to wash my clothes, hit up Trader Joes, Target and PathMark all in one swing! Good times.


Oh, and Theresa who knew you were so strong. LMAO at you picking up a table for no good reason. Can’t wait for the reunion. No seriously. I can’t wait.

Patti Blagojevich You Seem Like A Very Nice Lady

Unfortunately for you though, I heard a videotape of your “curse-out-session” similar to what I imagine Tony Soprano would sound like if he ever caught me stealing his food. So yeah, watching you on ‘I’m A Celebrity…Somebody Kill Me (or “Get Me Out of Here” whatever), I can’t help but wonder if you are doing this merely to help your husband’s image. Why would I ask such a question of a seemingly caring mother who always wears her hair in ping-tails? (I’m not being sarcastic here, she does seem very very sweet.) Well for one it’s because I notice you always wear your hair in pig-tails like a sweet little girl—which is suspect. Also because if my husband is in fear of going to jail my first thought would not to be to go to the jungle. Why? Um you went when he couldn’t, which means he had the idea to go there in an attempt to save his image. You being the strong woman that you are, you took his place in an attempt to rid your mind of the public hell that you are going through. Now please understand me very clearly when I say this, I am a human being so contrary to what the world believes, I do have a heart. However, I can’t feel sympathy for a woman that married a man with crazy hair that tried to sell Obama’s senate seat only to get caught and pretend it never happened. Oh it happened. It’s politics baby. Politics and the mafia are kinfolk ‘case you ain’t know. Moving right along, then there’s the crying. Again I get that this is very hard on you, and I can see that you are the backbone of the family, but enough with the tears. Your husband is all smiles, and still manages to make one public appearance after another, and combs his hair all kinds of crazy so as not to confuse the locals. As a matter of fact I saw your hubby on the news appearing in a play at Chicago’s famed Second City Theater. The play was about him, and he came out at the end all “chorus line like” cheesing from here to high heaven. You on the other hand are crying next to John Salley about how you guys have no money. Now again, I am not saying that you deserve this, but I will say that if you drove a few extra miles from your Illinois suburb you might find a whole group of people who live check to check (or no check at all) on the daily. And guess what? They still manage to make it everyday. Wake up. Go to work. Go to school. Raise children. You name it. I’m also gonna’ go out on a limb and say that you wouldn’t dare walk those streets unless it was on the campaign trail with your husband. Since I’ve seen the conditions of parts of the Chi that look suspiciously close to every other city I’ve lived in where there are a lot of black people, you can kinda sorta blow it out your ass. But wait, I say that in the most respectful way possible, because my mom taught me to respect my elders. If nothing else you are merely guilty from suffering from “ride or die chick syndrome.” What is that? Its when you’re so down for you boo that he can do any and everything and you will stand by his side (think Eliot Spitzer boning a prostitute & his wife standing by his side after he got caught). It’s all the same. So I beg you Miss Patti, because again I truly believe that you are a nice person, don’t loan your soul to the devil so he’ll let you hold some paper; because when he comes to collect he could give a shit whether you or your husband are really innocent. I’m just saying.

We’re Gonna’ Have To Ice Skate Home…Hell Just Froze Over

Well, well, well what do we have here? Oh hello there MC Hammer, didn’t see you there. You know when I was a kid my mom used to take us to Milpitas, Ca to go shopping at the outlet malls. Along the way we’d pass MC Hammer’s sprawling mansion. True story. It sat in the middle of the hills, one-story and hella damn acres. I remember asking my mom “I wonder how they deliver the mail up there. I don’t see any other houses!” Yes that was dumb, but I was a kid so lay off me bitch. Ahem* Ahem* back to my point: now I look up and he’s invading my Sunday reality show line-up. Wtf? Why is it that the most boring people who go hella broke for blowing thru their money like a mountain of cocaine always wanna’ be having a damn reality show? Enough with this. Enough. Not you too Hammer. Of all people, I thought you were done with having people all up in your bees-knees after you filed for chapter 11; then released ‘Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story’ but I guess not. Clearly I was wrong. Very very wrong. Not that the show is all that bad. I mean if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 124,545 times: Black love is a beautiful thang. You and your wife are still together, you guys have hella kids and it’s all gravy. But at the end of the day, I gotta’ tell ya, I’m not really interested. Then it’s on A&E. My channel that is reserved for riveting docu-dramas like The First 48, Intervention, LA Ink and Dog the Bounty Hunter is now home to Hammer’s show? Gene Simmons was weird enough but I let it slide, this time I just can’t. So I’m pulling out my wicken spell book as we speak and will get down to the business of canceling this show. I’m sorry but I have too. It’s not you, it’s me.



p.s. Denise Richards: you’re next. Stop fronting like the world just can’t get enough of your former life with Carlos Irwin Estevez (aka Charlie Sheen). The only reason why we care is because you won’t let us forget it. Not to mention you have a reality show where you say: “OMG, I hope they don’t ask me about the divorce and about Charlie.” Um blink* blink * blink. You bring it up before everybody else. Let it go, he’s married with more kids. It’s over.

Don't Tase Me Bro!! Be Careful What You Wish For

Clearly you can get it too granny. An old lady dared a police officer to tase her and he called her bluff. The cop even said he'd do the same thing to his own mother if she stepped outta line. Class all the way.

Watching Sherri Shepherd on ‘The View’ Is Like Gauging My Eyes Out….

….it seems like a good idea at first but in the end it’s just too painful. Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, why the hell does this lady have a job?! She just might be the dumbest person on television. (Kudos to being black and being the dumbest person on television by the way. That looks great for us.) When I say dumb, I don’t mean figuratively, I mean literally. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if she has the mental capacity of an egg. Why is it that all you talk about is nonsense and Twitter? Even though Hasslebeck is all about liberal vs. conservative arguments, at least she’s informed about the damn news. Not this chick tho, the only topic that she can really speak about is being cheated on by her stupid ex-husband. I mean really, let it go. Please, I’m begging you. This is not your psychiatrist’s office—this is a morning show!

If you’re gonna’ cash the paycheck Shepherd then look alive, pick up a fucking newspaper and act like you want to get your contract renewed. No, every black woman doesn’t have to argue and snap her neck to get her point across (um hello does Whoopi Goldberg mean anything to you?) but pretend to know what the fuck is going on in the world. I may be totally crossing the line here, which doesn’t matter to me, but I’m gonna’ go out on a limb and say that her retarded world view is a direct result of her Jehova’s witness upbringing. Yeah I said it! Send your hate mail letters to 1234 Latifah St. Apt. Latifah Anytown, USA 00000.

Although I spent most of my life hiding from the witnesses of Jehova when they knocked on my door like the police (apparently they don’t like Muslims so I figured I was doing them a favor). Every once in a while I opened up, or my mom/bodyguard opened up. What happened you may ask? A whole bunch of cult ass backwards ass mess. Seeing as how I grew up in a cult myself, game recognizes game. Still don’t believe me? Two words: Micheal Jackson.

If you decide to stop sulking over your dilapidated marriage, or log off your Twitter page for five minutes and read this blog post Shepherd, just know that this is out of love. Oh and if you don’t get your shit together and stop saying dumb shit, I will be forced to stone you. You don’t want those type of troubles. Trust.

Zack Morris Lives!

I gotta’ tell ya, I would’ve been less surprised by the return of Jesus Christ than Zack Morris. When I saw this angel from my ‘Saved By The Bell' dreams walk onto the set I was utterly confused. That could be due to withdrawal from not taking my sleeping pills tonight (please fall asleep soon. Please fall asleep soon.) but I thought he was like super-imposed onto my TV screen fresh from 1992. Blink* Blink* Blink. Wait, what the? Zack is that you? Snap! The best part about it is he didn’t look a day over 35! They say black don’t crack but obviously he has some secret potion. I couldn't believe he pulled out that huge ass cell phone. I used to live for that phone! Me and my brother went to somebody’s house when we were kids and one of the girl’s had Zack’s phone! It was black tho. I remember thinking: Dang that phone is so cool! Anyway, Zack Morris, you coming back onto my TV screen made my day. Thank you sir. Oh, and can you tell Lisa Turtle that I looked up to her? Thanks.