Scott Kardashian: Most Valuable Player

When it comes to the Kardashians there’s lots to keep up with. Mainly the random shit that they do on their E! show and how they pretend to have real talent (true story. No hatred here folks). Either way, I watch the show so what can I say. As we lead up to the season finale, E! blessed (or cursed) us with two brand new episodes, and one was so sweet with dysfunction that I need to see my dentist after watching. I’m talking of course about the episode where Scott Disick (aka Scott Kardashian, aka Kourtney’s baby’s daddy) flipped his lid and showed his rainbow of crazy man colors. In the episode Scott can be seen throwing back gallons of alcohol only to emerge as the hidden gem of the Kardashian fam bam. From his impeccable suit choices, (think Christian Bale in American Psycho) to his slicked back hair (again, think Christian Bale in American Pyscho) I mean this guy is unreal! Not only did he get into fights with pretty much everyone in sight, he whispered a few romantic morsels like: “I’m ready to fucking do some bad things tonight,” and “Don’t be looking at my cock sister!” Oooh and let's not forget when he seductively shoved a $100 bill in a waiters mouth for refusing to give him more booze. Romance! I mean honestly this was probably the best thing I’ve ever seen. It was electric, hilarious, and downright amazing! So to you Scott Disick Kardashian, I say welcome to the Reality TV Hall of Fame. Take a seat over there next to Natalie and her Chin (from the Bad Girl’s Club) and Shawna’s “Stage 5 Hurricane Face” (as told by Patti Stinger of ‘Millionaire Matchmaker').

40 Days and 40 Nights of Reality Show Enjoyment

Like many of you on this planet called earth, specifically in this country called America, I hate my life. To make up for it, I watch reality tv in an attempt to find somebody— anybody— whose life is more lame and pathetic than my own. Be that as it may, for the past couple months I have been lost in reality tv bliss and there are three shows that I would like to give special thanks to. So read on!


Jersey Shore:

First I’d like to say “I beat that beat up! I totally killed it on the dance floor. Massacred it.” (*insert fist pumps). Watching this show may have killed a good million or so of my brain cells, but I could care less. I mean who needs brain cells anyway? The best thing about this tanned, oily, Italian, east coast debacle is the fact that these people have no sense of self-awareness. I could blame this on the fact that people in certain areas (i.e. New York and surrounding states) seem to think the world is only their borough or their city, so its really no wonder why these clowns are so hilarious. But guess what? I still love it. Every single minute of it. My favorite character would have to be Pauly D. His hair is frozen in time, and he always has something hilarious to say. What’s not to love? Next would have to be Vinny. Yes he’s still being breast fed by his mom but hey, ya gotta eat right? The thing about Vinny is he’s like an annoying little brother that wishes he could stomp with the big dogs and whenever he does manage to sneak with them he’s all smiles.

Honorable mention would have to be Snooki, for being the only person (who is legally not a “little person”) that is shorter than me. Thanks Snooks!

Like any show worth its weight in reality tv gold, when Jersey Shore started goo-gobs of Italians were up in arms because the show perpetuates the “guido” stereotype. Let me say that I totally feel you on that, I mean after all I’m black so I have to deal with those problems in the media everyday (this means you BET, thanks for NOTHING!!!). On the flip side though, if you take this show away from me, I just might die so pipe down with all your whining and stop blocking the tv. Thanks.



Teen Mom:

I love watching skanks. *Cough. *Cough. Let me rephrase that—that was very rude. I love watching teen skanks who got pregnant and/or dropped out of school and now they’re trying to figure out just where the hell they went wrong in life. No, honestly, Teen Mom is MTV’s best kept secret. If I had a teenager (or a pre-teen for that matter) I’d sit them in front of the sofa Tuesday’s at 10 p.m. and say “do you want this to be your life? No? Then get your shit together and keep your legs closed! Or I’ll be forced to thrash you.”

Now I know that MTV stands for music television, which they never seem to play, but Teen Mom is actually pretty interesting, kind of funny and worth an hour of my life. I have no favorite here though, each one of the girls reminds me of what a loser I could have been in their own special way. Love it.!


Bad Girls Club:


This show should really be changed to “drunk girls who like to fight but not really, they really just wanna call each other bitch” club ( I guess “Bad Girls Club” is the shortened version). What I love about this show is since I’m a girl, I tend to get over involved, take sides, and curse back at the tv as if one of those tramps are speaking directly to me. Mainly because I don’t like bullies (this means you FLORINA) who think they’re big shit because they punk losers. But since I’m not on the show none of that really matters. This season is extra spicy, because some chick (who claims to be from the Bay Area---like myself) and her chin keep me laughing ‘til the cows come home. Yes there are lots of fights, and drinks being thrown but that’s pretty much the norm. Oxygen managed to throw in a little something extra this time around as if they knew I was yearning for more. My guess is they read my diary, or the hate mail that I’ve been sending to them all year. Either way, thanks biootches!


Sadly the season is coming to and end. I’ve already lost Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and Bad Girls Club is coming up next. I really don’t know what I’ll do when that happens, so I’m going to stop typing now before I start to cry.

Keyshia Cole Ain't Messin W/ Frankie N Neffie....Here's Why!

STATEMENT FROM KEYSHIA COLE


To all my friends and fans - It's time that I clear the air. It's not a secret that I haven't been in contact with my mother Frankie, and my sisters Neffe and Elite and I never wanted to air out our differences to the public. While I won't go into detail here I find it necessary to let you guys know I decided to stop communication with them because I was at a point in my life where I needed serenity and peace to move forward. Please know I love my family very much but it was time to let it go. You guys are a witness to a lot of what was happening from watching on air and online. Now that I am becoming a mom my passion for having a loving and peaceful home for my child is my #1 priority. It's very important to both Daniel and I. My plate is very full; I have a new baby coming, we are planning our wedding and I am working in the studio on a new album that I am close to completing. The stress that my family is giving me with their constant false reports is not healthy and it's not what I need at this time in my life. Please understand that there are only a few people that can officially confirm or deny anything that's happening in my life and that's me, Daniel, and my publicist, Tresa Sanders. And my girl Monica never lies.



Love Your Girl,



KC

Hey Balloon Boy: Stop Ruining My Life!!!!

So much like the rest of this troubled world, the other day I was watching a little television when a story captured my interest: a little boy climbs into a balloon and is flying over Colorado. My first thought? Wtf? What time does Maury Povich come on?! My second thought: oh no!….wait why the hell is he in that balloon?

Like the rest of you chumps I was glued to the tv, facebook and twitter making up all kinds of jokes to mask the pain I thought I’d feel once it was revealed that this kid had died. Then it happened, that little dude wasn’t even in the damn balloon, he was in the attic. Come again? You mean to tell me, you interrupted my regularly scheduled programming for this mess and he’s not even in there? To add insult to injury his ass was just playing into his weird parents’ stupid hoax? I mean enough is enough people! At what point is it ok for stuff like this to go down for fame?….why would the Heene’s think they’d get a reality show out of this? I blame society, Jesus, and John & Kate Plus 8. Yeah I said it! These lazy losers who parade their poor brood of sextuplets and twins all up and through my television screen make American’s want to do whatever it takes to get on TV. I mean honestly if you could get paid for yelling at your children while you cook them food, wouldn’t you take it? I know I would and I don’t even have any children. Ok…back to my point: now that we know that balloon boy was lying, can we please cut back on the news stories about him? No more interviews, with the dad’s old neighbor, best friend, or the family’s pet dog. Stop milking this story dry and just stick to the facts when the facts are revealed. I thank you for your time. Good day to you all.

(You knew it was coming) There’s even a Balloon Boy game!

heyzap.com - embed games

I Can See ‘The Hills’ From ‘The City’

So since every time I say something to somebody they always find a way to throw “we’re in a recession” into the conversation I’ve decided to do another two-for-one blog post, recession style! This week my prey is The Hills vs. The City. Now when The Hills first started I was all for the coming of age story about some rich white chick moving from one rich town in Southern California to another rich town in Southern California. When Lauryn jumped into her CLK Benz, looking all poor (b/c where they come from buying a CLK is pretty much like driving a Subaru…its gross) yet wide-eyed and bushy tailed somehow I related. Then I looked in the mirror and remembered that I can’t relate to her at all. But I digress. Anywho, long story long, LC is no longer on the show and now this little chick named Kristin is taking her spot. And guess what people? I’m not that interested. I mean here we go again with the fake “tell it like it is” mantra. Enough. Starting fights with random little rich girls with “plumped up” lips (this means you Stephanie Pratt) and money to wipe their asses with does not a bad ass make. Oh and let’s not forget the super staged “encounters.” You expect me to believe this madness? Well I don’t! Why you may say? Well besides the fact that I have eyes so I can see what’s going on here, I totally saw these fake enemies on The Hills all chummy on the red carpet at more than one MTV event. Which means that everybody is just another member of the cast so big whoop. This season couldn’t be more stupid and a bigger waste of my intelligence and from MTV? I’ve been loyal to you….I expect more from you!





The City:

Now here’s how this Tuesday night lineup is redeeming itself. Since this show is only in its second season it’s still a little non-scripted (or not so obviously scripted). Kelly still needs to take a shower, Whitney needs to get a clue, and Olivia is a wonderfully vicious bitch. I mean seriously, she is pretty much all that is wrong with the world: classist, egregious, snobby, and just plane gross. This is what living in New York will do to you if you’re not careful. Living on that 13-mile strip known as Manhattan will have you believing that you run the fucking world b/c the area is so small why wouldn’t you think that? It’s no wonder that half of the people that were actually born and raised in Manhattan are certified douche bags. Which is why I don’t live there anymore. But again, I digress. Anyway, even though I hate Olivia I love her for being so terrible. Secretly she wants me to keep watching so she attempts to lay the smackhand down on her co-worker over at Elle Magazine. Perhaps she mistook her for her maid or her nanny & decided to make her feel small. Which is an awesome thing to do on your first week on the job. If you’re listening reality gods, please make her get fired. I promise to act surprised. Scout’s honor!

House Husbands of Hollywood?… Don’t Mind If I do!

Over the weekend I was stuck doing some serious laundry and just like all great love stories, I stumbled upon a show called ‘House Husbands of Hollywood’ and haven’t been the same since. This yummy show is about five guys who are stay-at-home dads but still lay the smackhand down on their wives! How u luv that?!

Now from what I can remember here are the characters: Grant the husband of LA anchor lady Jillian Barberie. He’s G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S with a hint of ocd, which to means he’s like my perfect man. Love it! Then there’s Danny, the weird little actor dude who is insecure b/c his wife supports him but not enough to get a waiter job while he goes on auditions like the rest of the world. Bill is the former baseball player who is super duper Mr. Mom which is fab, but has a strange addiction to making twice baked potatoes.

Then there’s Charlie who is married to some chick who refuses to be seen on camera (go figure). Charlie is straight outta’ Brooklyn and has a one-year-old son, even though he’s 50 (not that that’s old but…). He’s best friends with Ryan O’Neal, which clearly shows that he loves drugs! Just kidding. He even named his kid after Ryan. Oh wait what am I forgetting about Charlie?….oh yeah he went to prison for robbing a bank! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Now in his defense it was like 30 years ago and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, but he’s scared to tell his wife’s parents that he’s a total jailbird. Luckily for him being in jail isn’t as bad as being on reality tv so chances are they already look at him sideways so there’s really nowhere to go but up.

Lastly is Darryl. He’s the guy from ‘A Different World,’ that played Ron. He’s totally shacking up with Tempest Bledsoe—aka Vanessa from ‘The Cosby Show.’ Now who knew that?! Not me. What’s even better is that Tempest is “working” everyday, while Darryl is on house husband status. Although it’s a little confusing because most of his scenes are with Tempest so maybe they’re “working” together. Ironically Darryl used to be super rich because his dad left him a $14 million fortune from his chocolate company. Guess what Darryl did? He blew it all…put the company in the gutter, got sued, then….got on this reality show? I notice that he’s always trying to get Tempest to stop being so “tight” with her money, which only makes sense because he clearly knows how to manage money. It aint easy blowing $14 million dollars so quickly. I mean that’s talent!

This show is addictive people. Not so much for the “drama” but just because I like seeing a man do all the “house work” then boss his wife around when she gets home from work. I mean hell we ladies do that. If you’re not watching it, take a lazy Sunday and catch up on the episodes….or I’mma come to ur house rub baby powder on my pimp hand then slap u silly.

I’m Sorry Grey’s Anatomy, But You Just Lost Me

So I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this, but I think I’m pretty much over Grey’s Anatomy. Now wait, before you start picking up your torches to chase me out of town, just let me finish! Geez! I’m all for the outside storylines as usual, but the inside stuff, with Izzy and her cancer and George and his death, like seriously I can’t be apart of all that. And here’s why, unfortunately since I have far too much time on my hands I spend my days watching every entertainment show known to man. Which means that I knew that George was going to die months ago because I knew that they guy who plays him (T.R. Knight) left the show b/c he too was over it. So by the time I have emotionally let go of him, when I see this season premiere episode I want to laugh b/c I just can’t separate fact from fiction. Yes it was touching when his ex-wife totally couldn’t take it in the operating room and the chief and that mean little black lady all ran in and everybody was holding back tears. Great. Awesome. I’m all in. But then it got a little awkward. So as they’re standing there looking at George’s beef jerky stricken face, and they’re arguing the chief breaks in with “George O’Malley jumped in front of a bus to save a life!” LMAO!!! Blink* Blink* Blink*. WTF? Hahahaha. That’s pretty hilarious. No? I mean really writers of Grey’s Anatomy that’s the best you can do? So cheesy. So silly. So soap opera. Meanwhile over in cancer land, yes it was sad when Izzy was all “Call me back George I totally need you, I have cancer and I’m sad.” Then of course they had to tell her that fool was dead. Boo hoo. I’m sorry people but I could only keep it together for an hour, after that I was over it. This is what happens when actors start becoming real people with real lives and I know all their real life business, by the time I watch their show the storyline is old news. So how’s about they do me a favor and NOT live real lives so that I can believe that they actually work in Seattle Grace Hospital having sex with each other, spreading around STDs, fighting, cheating, and saving the world, one amputated Australian chick at a time.

Now Private Practice? Now THAT’s a show! If you’re sleeping on it, wake up!