Johnny Depp You Are Like Totally In Love With Me

Every once in a while, a movie comes along and changes the way we see reality. A movie that is so powerful that it carries and births an amazing star. That movie? Edward Scissor-Hands. That star? Johnny Depp. Did you like that…that was my impression of James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio.’ But really tho….Johnny Depp is in love with me. How do I know, because he’s looking all old and attractive on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, which leads me to believe that he is trying to seduce me. What up with that JD? You’re 45 so unfortunately it will never work and I think you’re married so that might be a bit of a road block. Either way, can you believe this guy? He gets better with age, and bought his own island years ago, straight Richard “Billionaire” Bronson style. I’m on the phone wit my girls like “How cool is he?” Cheers to you Depp. You long haired 21 Jumpstreet alum you!

Well Hello There Summer Movies. Nice To Meet Cha!

With only 19 days until I my bat mitzvah, I have decided to mark the special occasion by going to see Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. Gotcha! I’m not Jewish. Oh, and I’m not 13. However I am not lying about the sequel to the best movie E.V.E.R. If you’ve been reading my blog (and you better have been) you should know that I told Michael Bay of my love for his cinematic magic & he said “thanks!” I have it on tape if you don’t believe me. With that said, I have put together a list of my up-coming summer movie pics (aside form Transfomers). Oh, and a small review of the film ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Enjoy!


Review of Drag Me To Hell- Hmmm….how can I put this? Have you ever ran into some crazy ass old lady who begged you for a loan and when you turned her down she got all psycho on you and brought the devil all up and thru your shit? No? Well, then you probably won’t like ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Although it is short, sweet, and funnier than I ever thought it would be (I haven’t laughed that hard in years!) the rest of it was pretty effin crazy. In short ‘Drag Me To Hell’ = a bad day at the office. See it, don’t see it, I don’t really care. But I will tell you this, the next time an old lady with a glass eye and dentures rolls up in your joint asking you for something, give her what she wants or there will be hell to pay. Literally.

The Hangover: Starring my white husband (Bradley Cooper) who was even more delicious at the MTV Movie Awards. I can’t wait for this movie to come out (later today). Because my friends and I have spent many o’ nights in Vegas ‘The Hangover’ is based on the True Hollywood Story of The Latifah.

The Taking of Pelham 123: 2 words + many dirty thoughts = Denzel Washington. I was living in New York City when Mr. Washington was shooting this movie, which is why I’m guessing her kept calling my old job (this is not a lie). Either way, he never stopped by when I was around, so I’m convinced he doesn’t like me. But I heart you Mr. Washington. Also Travolta’s mustache thingy looks pretty amazing.


Year One: Jack Black & Micheal Cera. It’s Jack Black so chances are you’ll get a good chuckle out of this. Add Michael Cera and his confused antics and you’ve got a load of funny on your hands.

Public Enemies: Edward Scissor-hands stole my heart and won’t let it go. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale shooting up shit in the 30s? Sounds good to me! I’ll take two servings please!

Bruno: Borat was stupid (damn right) this however will be a classic. Even better is that he’s releasing it the day after my b-day which is good luck. Both ‘Anchorman’ and ‘American Pie’ came out on my b-day. Need I say more?


Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince: Nerds unite! No I am not a total douche like my little sister, so I have not read any of these stupid books. I prefer to watch the movie and throw popcorn at little kids who try to step to me. You’ll lose every time 6-year-olds so step the fuck off! You’ve been warned.

Joe Jonas's Coming Out Party

More than anything, I want to shoot myself in the face for being a grown woman and knowing who this guy is. But I have a teenage niece who keeps me hip. Something for shits and giggles. Enjoy!

A Shot of Heroin to My Reality Show Vein

First off let me say that Tuesday took forever to get here. Secondly, that Danielle lady is going to kill that Jacqueline lady, skin her and then wear her as a coat. “I’m very passionate about you.” Um whoa lady! Back it up and stop being all clingy. Seriously I’ve decided that this chick wants her own spin-off show b/c she is putting in WORK! Oh and if I have to tell one more crazy ass single mom that your children are not your “girlfriends” I’m going to scream! Your children can definitely grow into being your friends (when they are like adults maybe), and its nothing wrong with a child thinking that their mom is their friend. There is however something terribly wrong with a mom saying her 10-year-old daughter is her girlfriend! What kinda shit is this lady? So let me get this straight, do you guys go out and get drinks together and talk about dating and sex? No? Because that’s what you do with your girlfriends numb nuts. By the way how classic was it that she said “I just hope that I’m doing a good job” and her 10-year-old old was like “You are.” Um *Blink *Blink *Blink, is that how you measure if you’re a good mom… If your kids say you are while they are still kids?! That’s is so stupid I can’t help but laugh. Also Danielle totally did all those things in the book. How do know? Because she’s had reconstructive surgery to hide her face. Oh and Jacqueline yes she’s really capable of that. She’s from Jersey, so asking her to have morals and standards is like asking Jersey girls to not use hairspray. It just doesn’t work that way. And stop being all dramatic with the “Know who your enemies are.” Cut it out bitch, the only person on that show that has enemies is you because everybody in Jersey hates you. Which means you have to be a real douche to be looked down upon in Jersey, I mean really. Oh and one more thing just because you have a gay best friend it doesn’t mean that he’s not stupid. He is friends with you after all.

Btw Teresa’s house is amazing and her daughter is like a little adult. Although Gia may be a little racist, which is not cute. “Alberto? I don’t know how to say that. I don’t speak Spanish!” pump your brakes little girl and don’t act like a douche. Oh and say please and thank you when you ask for someone’s help. What the hell? Until next week you feisty housewives!

I’m Not A Celebrity, Cancel This Show.

I command you! Maybe NBC misinterpreted my prayers but I do love Heidi & Spencer but do not want them all up in my house four nights a week. What the hell? Ok, I will give you that benefit of the doubt because it is pretty fun to watch Spencer’s beard get bushier and creepier everyday, but what am I supposed to think about for the rest of the 55 minutes of the show? What’s worse is that you had the cohones to air this show for two full hours, but after that ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ eight hour finale, I don’t put anything passed you NBC. So in case you’re smart—which I am clearly not—and you didn’t see the show let me give you the rundown. Spencer, Heidi, Janice Dickinson, a Baldwin, John Salley, Sanjaya, Frangela, Blagojevich’s wife and some wrestling lady are in the Costa Rican jungle. They have to live, eat, poop, and cry together for three weeks while America knocks them off one by one. Sound stupid? Oh it gets worse. The winner gets like $100k for their favorite charity, which is hilarious because last timed I checked most of these people were broke. So your trying to tell me that Sanjaya couldn’t use $100k? Nice try. I’m no fool.

The first episode exposed the dirty underbelly of reality star hierarchy. Provocative indeed. Spencer tried to quit, telling producers that he and Heidi are real celebrities while the comedy team known as Frangela are not. Um excuse me Pratt but Frangela has been on ‘Oprah’…even if it was via Skype. Paper covers rock because Oprah is the new Jesus so you lose! Heidi is crying b/c she doesn’t have hair spray (which she really needs…her hair is craziness) and Spencer runs up on one of the Frangela chicks. Riddle me this NBC? In what dimension would a white boy from the hills run up in a black woman’s face and not get knocked the fuck out? How realistic is this? Madness I tell you. Madness. Here’s another funny thing to tickle your fancy. Sanjaya beat a girl in swallowing some white stuff the fastest. If that wasn’t good enough, he then licked said “white stuff” off the table to make sure he won the contest. Um Sanjaya, yeah no, you’re gay. Stop it. How dare you mock homosexuality by trying to make us believe that you don’t swallow white stuff with the quickness on the daily. Like what is the deal with these American Idol people trying to pretend that they’re not gay (not you Adam…you are def not pretending). Be you. Be free. Be happy. Nobody cares. This whole thing is a sham. I hate myself. Good night.

Are You Kidding Me With This Susan Boyle & Kate (plus eight)?

Because the economy is bad, tonight I’m hitting you with a two for one deal. My first target? Susan Effin Boyle. What is this madness? If it’s not bad enough that the UK, and America had to admit that they think “ugly” people can’t sing (hey, their words not mine save your hate mail), then this chick has an attitude problem? Really? Wow. After signing this weird song, she got like 60 million hits, people started speculating if she’d had a chemical peel and her eyebrows waxed, and now she’s in “exhaustion rehab.” Wtf? Somebody please tell me what part of the game this is because I’m confused. All of a sudden she’s a super diva, cracking under the pressure and salty because she lost Britain’s Got Talent? Interesting because I thought that a month ago you were a 50-year-old virgin who had never been kissed. From where I sit, anything is an upgrade from that. So here is a word of advice Boyle, get your shit together, stop being exhausted (from what I have no idea…I thought you were on that show like three times but whatevs), and either get a record deal or get the hell of my TV screen. Those are your only options. I’m putting my foot down.

And you Kate of the “plus eight” prancing around here with your bikini body after birthing a million kids. Let’s just keep it real here…you had surgery. Pounds and pounds of your skin was chopped off and fed to the dogs. That body is man made. I’m sure you threw in some crunches for good measure but let’s not forget just what the hell is going on here people. You have eight children so when you found the time to work that body out and get a serious tan is beyond my level of comprehension. I have no kids, and my addiction to TV cuts into my workout regimen. Oh and another thing, my life was much easier when I could watch ‘John & Kate Plus Eight’ on a lazy Saturday when nothing else was on. So why the hell are you all up and thru my daily entertainment news? I don’t care about your haircut (that’s been like that for years, but all of a sudden is a big deal), I don’t want to see your pale brother and sister-in-law talking about how you are the devil, and I definitely don’t want to hear or picture your hubby bangin’ some 23-year-old. Like seriously, get it together or fall back. Note to humankind: the next person that talks to me about this Kate lady is going to get a dagger to the face. This means you ‘Today Show.’ You’ve been warned.

The Latifah Does the MTV Movie Awards!!!!

No your eyes are not deceiving you. I really did go to the MTV Movie Awards. Although I can’t really believe it myself, I did. Finally watching all this t.v. paid off! I would love to credit my super powers for being able to cover this event, but I actually owe that honor to AOL (also known as my day job). They got me in and they could get me out!!! So, let’s get down to bees-knees. First, I arrived on time despite attempting to arrive fashionably late so as to not have to sit and wait like the kid on the fieldtrip that has no friends. About an hour into waiting alone….like the kid on the fieldtrip that has no friends, I was told to line up with the rest of my kind (journalists). Before doing so, I did see a one mister Sasha Baron Cohen dressed as his latest character ‘Bruno’ in a silk robe and suspicious white boots. What was he doing you ask? Rehearsing for the stunt where he and his balls met with Eminem’s face. Yeah that was definitely pre-planned, but Em didn’t know anything about it! Too bad Em…had you given me an interview like I wanted maybe I wouldna’ had to make you feel my wrath. But that’s life brotha. Meanwhile, when I finally made it to the red carpet (and yes I got to walk it!!! Yay!!), I secured my spot between Radar Online and OK! Magazine (the big leagues). For the next three hours I proceeded to change my entire life. As I shifted my weight from one uncomfortable shoe heel to the other, I talked to (and/or yelled at) just about everybody. No not really…I more-so told the other “journalists” who certain people were so they could yell at them & I could smile when they turned around. I even made John Voight laugh---twice! Wtf? How dope is that? I’m funny now! Yay! Hmm…who else was there, Will Ferrell (aka my Yoda), the cast of The Hangover (soon to be added to my summer movies hot list), Megan Fox, The Hills Cast (& yes Brody Jenner was looking all kinds of delicious with his Ken doll looks), Tyrese (who did not come back for an interview after I was PROMISED that he would), Fonzworth Bentley, Sandra Bullock, Taraji P. Henson, and an uncomfortable run-in with Souja Boy. Funny how that keeps happening to me. Perhaps the BEST moment for me was when Michael Bay—the director of Transformers—walked by and I told him that Transformers was the best shit E.V.E.R!! He wouldn’t talk to most of the press but he totally turned around and acknowledged me! Oh shit!!!! Is this my life? Thanks Bay. You da’ man.

If that experience wasn’t good enough, I somehow made my way to the press tent, with all the paparazzi, where I was greeted with Subway sandwiches and all the Dasani water a girl could ask for. Word to the wise: you’d be surprised how far a smile, giggle and 5 inch heels gets you when you look like The Latifah. Of course it didn’t hurt that I was in a room that was mostly men (aka putty in my hands). Moving on, I sat back and watched the show & even witnessed “the pappers” –as Regis of Regis & Kelly calls them—yell all kinds of crazy shit at Cameron Diaz & the pale vampire dude from Twilight for not taking solo pics. Now I know why celebs HATE photographers. I mean its one thing to take pics, but it’s a whole other thing to be rude people! That’s what I told them, but I said it low b/c I didn’t want them to turn on me. Because I am a douche by nature and a retard by default, I did not charge my phone all the way so it died by the time I that I was standing 2 ft from Lil Wayne. Hoping that Jesus would grant me that one wish he’s been promising me, I attempted to snap Wayne, then my phone said “Low Battery…Shutting Your Dumb Ass Down For Not Charging This Phone Idiot.” Can you believe that? Sucks to be me. I did however snap a few random pics of some celebs on the red carpet….but you’ll have to figure out the combination to my diary to see all of them. I did add my pic of Will Ferrell to this blog…just in case you thought I made this whole thing up.

p.s. Shots out to Andy Samberg: The Bay Area’s Finest. I wanted to scream that at him but public humiliation is my biggest fear, so instead I just led the paps in a congratulations clap for him.

p.p.s. The puppet master behind Triumph the Insult Dog (that dog from Conan w/ the cigar) hit the photo tent with a black sheet over his head so they could snap pics of the damn puppet dog! Wtf? When he got off the photo stage, I said “that was very weird and dumb,” and yes he was standing RIGHT next to me. Nice. “Um, no…I didn’t mean…it was just a little weird for me that’s all. Sorry.” That’s how I recovered, but I think he gave me the stink eye before walking away. Whatever dude.