What Is The Meaning Of This Kardashian?

So I was watching the latest episode of The Other Kardashian’s: One & Two Take Miami (that’s what I call it in my head) and my favorite psychopath Scott Disick was back on his b.s. Now as you know he is by far my favorite character on television ever in life. Ever. It’s not just because of his crazy colorful suits, slicked back killer hair and menacing eyes, it’s mostly just the drinking that I love. Forget what Dr. Drew tells you people, raging alcoholics are where it’s at. I mean really, can he get any funnier than when he was so drunk he punched a mirror then had to be rushed to the hospital? A-maz-ing! But apparently this isn’t good if you have a kid and a common law wife. But here is my question: why on Earth is E! airing this as if Kourtney is so over her baby daddy if they’re not broken up in real life? I guess it’s just to make me giggle, and giggle I have my friend. Oh the laughs! I love to see couples going through it so long as it’s not me and with a character like Scott it gets no better. Hopefully if Big Baby Jesus cares about me one ounce, as I’ve been told that he does, he’ll make sure that Scott gets spoon-fed jugs of alcohol while the cameras roll on so that I will have a reason to live! Thank you Scott, Khloe and that yummy little baby of yours for displaying the kind of dysfunctional TV family that I can finally get on board with. Keep up the good work. I command thee.

Hey Mel Gibson! You Complete Me You Romantic C*NT!

Everyday like a child on Christmas morning I wake up hoping that Santa Baby has left me yet another sweet morsel from none other than The Passion of The Christ himself, Mel Gibson. Now I know there’s way more important things to write about but I prefer to address this story because it makes me laugh and let’s face it, laughter is the best medicine (except for if you have a disease then you would probably need real medicine…but I digress), Mel’s rants against his baby mom’s Oksana are like little candy filled clouds of happiness wrapped in whimsical phrases like “I’ll burn this Goddamn house down! But bl*w me first!” I mean really, if that’s not romance, then I don’t know what is. As a matter of fact there’s a pretty good chance that Shakespeare himself is rolling over in his grave because he didn’t come up with sugary sweet lines like: “I’ll put you in a f*ckin rose garden!” Honestly there’s nothing more tranquil and beautiful than a rose garden, so who wouldn’t want to be put there?
As if he knows that I am holding on to every single syllable Crazy-Mel makes sure to use all of the four letter words that shoot an arrow straight to my heart. No these aren’t your mother’s dirty words, oh no, this is real life sh*t. Among my favorite is the word c*nt which is underused and underappreciated in common American literature, but not in Mel’s world. He is single handedly bringing it back in a major way, which proves that he cares about teaching the babies. So to you Mel Gibson, thank you for your love and support, may you continue to be the amazing romantic c*nt that you are!

I Want Off This Rollercoaster Now: Real Housewives of New York Away With You!

First off let me tell you that at the start of this season of The Real Housewives of New York, I couldn’t have been happier. Of all the housewives New York and Atlanta are my favorites. But just like that tall crazy rollercoaster that you want so badly to try as you’re gazing up at it before you make it to the line---you soon find out that you should have never strapped yourself in but it’s too late and you’re already being pulled forward. This my friends, is how I describe this season. The yelling, the crying, the lack of self-awareness, Ramona’s crazy eyes…I need therapy! I knew things were gonna get crazy when I got to see the whole Bethenny Jill co-dependent marriage fall apart but big baby Jesus I had NO IDEA it was that deep.

Faze one: The fight. I of course chose sides very quickly—team Bethenny—but when the housewives split up (three and three) it was like the movie Mean Girls with menopause. I mean really, I have no time for this madness! All this catyness and stupid arguments with the “she said she said” and the poor husbands stuck in the middle. I’ve never seen such juvenile behavior. When my 4-year-old niece doesn’t like something she doesn’t act all shifty and victimized like Jill, no she says “stop doing that I don’t like it” and that’s that. As a matter of fact, these housewives could learn a few things from my niece she’s very straightforward.

Anyway …on to faze two: Put her on blast. By the time Bethenny attempted to salvage her relationship with Jill but she had sadly gone all super lesbian with LuAnn I was too over it. Putting Bethenny on speakerphone while she tried to reason with you?! Classy. And not for nothing LuAnn is a super duper starship trooper psycho.

Faze three: Ramona’s eyes. Of all the crazy things this season those are were definitely the craziest. Yes they were sitting up on a platter for the world to see as she walked down the runway for this thing called “Fashion Week” but not in Manhattan. No it was on some planet called Brooklyn. All very strange.

Faze four: Money can’t buy you class. This, the final faze, is a double-header. It includes Kelly acting super crazy (which by the way I don’t buy for one minute she’s not as dumb as she looks) on that boat then even crazier when they docked that boat and moved into a mansion. Honestly those last couple episodes gave me such a headache that I wanted to do what Bethenny yelled at Kelly: “Go to sleep! Go to sleep!”

Now when it comes to LuAnn singing I am convinced that Real Housewives producers plant moles in different cities trying to convince cast members to do dumb stuff like make songs just for my enjoyment. Not only did her rendition make me want to shoot myself in the face (but not really…I’m too awesome) it provided my family with a super amazing catch phrase for any given Sunday: “elegance is learned my friend.” Thanks to LuAnn I’ll just randomly walk around saying that to anyone who will listen. The homesless man on the street, the barista at Starbucks, my mailman…who cares. At any rate once LuAnn walked down those stairs and sang that first sentence I was so done I was practically screaming in my head: “I WANT OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER!!!” and to think…there’s still a reunion. Sigh.

5 Things I Loathe About Non-Celebrity Fit Club

Another year is upon us and as such VH-1 has hit me with yet another installment of the Celebrity Fit Club series. In the past I was all in because as I’ve said many times before, when it comes to reality tv I have no standards, but a little part of me feels like this network is tryna test my patience. For starters why are there two people that were already on reality shows on the cast? I know the show is for “C,D, and E-list” but why the “Z-list” reality people too? I mean really. Not to say that I didn’t love love Jay from Project Runway, and laugh at Tanisha from The Bad Girls Club but c’mon VH-1 if you’re gonna be careless with it you might as well throw me up there (hey, I’m not fat….take that back!). Moving right along, here are a few little morsels of hate for Non-Celebrity Fit Club:


5. Bobby Brown’s jaw----I’m sick of seeing it. Straighten it up. Doctor’s orders.

4. Tanisha’s voice. Loud, annoying and far to Brooklyn for my taste. If you know me, then you know that I used to live in New York and although I have some good friend from and living in the BK, that voice is not something that I like. Cut it out.

3. Tanisha---just in general she deserves and honorable mention again just for all her other behavior.

2. The weird faces that Harvey makes. Like any drill sergeant worth his weight in dog tags Harvey has to scream and spit in people’s faces but his face is kinda sorta not that cute so I’d rather he didn’t.


1. Shar Jackson—okay, okay we get it. K-Fed left you for Brit Brit. You were pregnant then he knocked her up two times over, took her bread and you’re still stuck like chuck. Now don’t get it twisted, I think that’s pretty shady but I mean get over it, or at least don’t talk about it while the guy is standing (or sitting) right next to you. We all see the elephant in the room, so either acknowledge it for what it is or lose some weight (both emotionally and physically) and let that ish go. For what it's worth K-Fed is actually pretty quiet so its hard to imagine him as the gold-digger that he really is. I mean let’s face it, he is one hell of a rapper. Does that count for nothing?!

Scott Kardashian: Most Valuable Player

When it comes to the Kardashians there’s lots to keep up with. Mainly the random shit that they do on their E! show and how they pretend to have real talent (true story. No hatred here folks). Either way, I watch the show so what can I say. As we lead up to the season finale, E! blessed (or cursed) us with two brand new episodes, and one was so sweet with dysfunction that I need to see my dentist after watching. I’m talking of course about the episode where Scott Disick (aka Scott Kardashian, aka Kourtney’s baby’s daddy) flipped his lid and showed his rainbow of crazy man colors. In the episode Scott can be seen throwing back gallons of alcohol only to emerge as the hidden gem of the Kardashian fam bam. From his impeccable suit choices, (think Christian Bale in American Psycho) to his slicked back hair (again, think Christian Bale in American Pyscho) I mean this guy is unreal! Not only did he get into fights with pretty much everyone in sight, he whispered a few romantic morsels like: “I’m ready to fucking do some bad things tonight,” and “Don’t be looking at my cock sister!” Oooh and let's not forget when he seductively shoved a $100 bill in a waiters mouth for refusing to give him more booze. Romance! I mean honestly this was probably the best thing I’ve ever seen. It was electric, hilarious, and downright amazing! So to you Scott Disick Kardashian, I say welcome to the Reality TV Hall of Fame. Take a seat over there next to Natalie and her Chin (from the Bad Girl’s Club) and Shawna’s “Stage 5 Hurricane Face” (as told by Patti Stinger of ‘Millionaire Matchmaker').

40 Days and 40 Nights of Reality Show Enjoyment

Like many of you on this planet called earth, specifically in this country called America, I hate my life. To make up for it, I watch reality tv in an attempt to find somebody— anybody— whose life is more lame and pathetic than my own. Be that as it may, for the past couple months I have been lost in reality tv bliss and there are three shows that I would like to give special thanks to. So read on!


Jersey Shore:

First I’d like to say “I beat that beat up! I totally killed it on the dance floor. Massacred it.” (*insert fist pumps). Watching this show may have killed a good million or so of my brain cells, but I could care less. I mean who needs brain cells anyway? The best thing about this tanned, oily, Italian, east coast debacle is the fact that these people have no sense of self-awareness. I could blame this on the fact that people in certain areas (i.e. New York and surrounding states) seem to think the world is only their borough or their city, so its really no wonder why these clowns are so hilarious. But guess what? I still love it. Every single minute of it. My favorite character would have to be Pauly D. His hair is frozen in time, and he always has something hilarious to say. What’s not to love? Next would have to be Vinny. Yes he’s still being breast fed by his mom but hey, ya gotta eat right? The thing about Vinny is he’s like an annoying little brother that wishes he could stomp with the big dogs and whenever he does manage to sneak with them he’s all smiles.

Honorable mention would have to be Snooki, for being the only person (who is legally not a “little person”) that is shorter than me. Thanks Snooks!

Like any show worth its weight in reality tv gold, when Jersey Shore started goo-gobs of Italians were up in arms because the show perpetuates the “guido” stereotype. Let me say that I totally feel you on that, I mean after all I’m black so I have to deal with those problems in the media everyday (this means you BET, thanks for NOTHING!!!). On the flip side though, if you take this show away from me, I just might die so pipe down with all your whining and stop blocking the tv. Thanks.



Teen Mom:

I love watching skanks. *Cough. *Cough. Let me rephrase that—that was very rude. I love watching teen skanks who got pregnant and/or dropped out of school and now they’re trying to figure out just where the hell they went wrong in life. No, honestly, Teen Mom is MTV’s best kept secret. If I had a teenager (or a pre-teen for that matter) I’d sit them in front of the sofa Tuesday’s at 10 p.m. and say “do you want this to be your life? No? Then get your shit together and keep your legs closed! Or I’ll be forced to thrash you.”

Now I know that MTV stands for music television, which they never seem to play, but Teen Mom is actually pretty interesting, kind of funny and worth an hour of my life. I have no favorite here though, each one of the girls reminds me of what a loser I could have been in their own special way. Love it.!


Bad Girls Club:


This show should really be changed to “drunk girls who like to fight but not really, they really just wanna call each other bitch” club ( I guess “Bad Girls Club” is the shortened version). What I love about this show is since I’m a girl, I tend to get over involved, take sides, and curse back at the tv as if one of those tramps are speaking directly to me. Mainly because I don’t like bullies (this means you FLORINA) who think they’re big shit because they punk losers. But since I’m not on the show none of that really matters. This season is extra spicy, because some chick (who claims to be from the Bay Area---like myself) and her chin keep me laughing ‘til the cows come home. Yes there are lots of fights, and drinks being thrown but that’s pretty much the norm. Oxygen managed to throw in a little something extra this time around as if they knew I was yearning for more. My guess is they read my diary, or the hate mail that I’ve been sending to them all year. Either way, thanks biootches!


Sadly the season is coming to and end. I’ve already lost Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and Bad Girls Club is coming up next. I really don’t know what I’ll do when that happens, so I’m going to stop typing now before I start to cry.

Keyshia Cole Ain't Messin W/ Frankie N Neffie....Here's Why!

STATEMENT FROM KEYSHIA COLE


To all my friends and fans - It's time that I clear the air. It's not a secret that I haven't been in contact with my mother Frankie, and my sisters Neffe and Elite and I never wanted to air out our differences to the public. While I won't go into detail here I find it necessary to let you guys know I decided to stop communication with them because I was at a point in my life where I needed serenity and peace to move forward. Please know I love my family very much but it was time to let it go. You guys are a witness to a lot of what was happening from watching on air and online. Now that I am becoming a mom my passion for having a loving and peaceful home for my child is my #1 priority. It's very important to both Daniel and I. My plate is very full; I have a new baby coming, we are planning our wedding and I am working in the studio on a new album that I am close to completing. The stress that my family is giving me with their constant false reports is not healthy and it's not what I need at this time in my life. Please understand that there are only a few people that can officially confirm or deny anything that's happening in my life and that's me, Daniel, and my publicist, Tresa Sanders. And my girl Monica never lies.



Love Your Girl,



KC

Hey Balloon Boy: Stop Ruining My Life!!!!

So much like the rest of this troubled world, the other day I was watching a little television when a story captured my interest: a little boy climbs into a balloon and is flying over Colorado. My first thought? Wtf? What time does Maury Povich come on?! My second thought: oh no!….wait why the hell is he in that balloon?

Like the rest of you chumps I was glued to the tv, facebook and twitter making up all kinds of jokes to mask the pain I thought I’d feel once it was revealed that this kid had died. Then it happened, that little dude wasn’t even in the damn balloon, he was in the attic. Come again? You mean to tell me, you interrupted my regularly scheduled programming for this mess and he’s not even in there? To add insult to injury his ass was just playing into his weird parents’ stupid hoax? I mean enough is enough people! At what point is it ok for stuff like this to go down for fame?….why would the Heene’s think they’d get a reality show out of this? I blame society, Jesus, and John & Kate Plus 8. Yeah I said it! These lazy losers who parade their poor brood of sextuplets and twins all up and through my television screen make American’s want to do whatever it takes to get on TV. I mean honestly if you could get paid for yelling at your children while you cook them food, wouldn’t you take it? I know I would and I don’t even have any children. Ok…back to my point: now that we know that balloon boy was lying, can we please cut back on the news stories about him? No more interviews, with the dad’s old neighbor, best friend, or the family’s pet dog. Stop milking this story dry and just stick to the facts when the facts are revealed. I thank you for your time. Good day to you all.

(You knew it was coming) There’s even a Balloon Boy game!

heyzap.com - embed games

I Can See ‘The Hills’ From ‘The City’

So since every time I say something to somebody they always find a way to throw “we’re in a recession” into the conversation I’ve decided to do another two-for-one blog post, recession style! This week my prey is The Hills vs. The City. Now when The Hills first started I was all for the coming of age story about some rich white chick moving from one rich town in Southern California to another rich town in Southern California. When Lauryn jumped into her CLK Benz, looking all poor (b/c where they come from buying a CLK is pretty much like driving a Subaru…its gross) yet wide-eyed and bushy tailed somehow I related. Then I looked in the mirror and remembered that I can’t relate to her at all. But I digress. Anywho, long story long, LC is no longer on the show and now this little chick named Kristin is taking her spot. And guess what people? I’m not that interested. I mean here we go again with the fake “tell it like it is” mantra. Enough. Starting fights with random little rich girls with “plumped up” lips (this means you Stephanie Pratt) and money to wipe their asses with does not a bad ass make. Oh and let’s not forget the super staged “encounters.” You expect me to believe this madness? Well I don’t! Why you may say? Well besides the fact that I have eyes so I can see what’s going on here, I totally saw these fake enemies on The Hills all chummy on the red carpet at more than one MTV event. Which means that everybody is just another member of the cast so big whoop. This season couldn’t be more stupid and a bigger waste of my intelligence and from MTV? I’ve been loyal to you….I expect more from you!





The City:

Now here’s how this Tuesday night lineup is redeeming itself. Since this show is only in its second season it’s still a little non-scripted (or not so obviously scripted). Kelly still needs to take a shower, Whitney needs to get a clue, and Olivia is a wonderfully vicious bitch. I mean seriously, she is pretty much all that is wrong with the world: classist, egregious, snobby, and just plane gross. This is what living in New York will do to you if you’re not careful. Living on that 13-mile strip known as Manhattan will have you believing that you run the fucking world b/c the area is so small why wouldn’t you think that? It’s no wonder that half of the people that were actually born and raised in Manhattan are certified douche bags. Which is why I don’t live there anymore. But again, I digress. Anyway, even though I hate Olivia I love her for being so terrible. Secretly she wants me to keep watching so she attempts to lay the smackhand down on her co-worker over at Elle Magazine. Perhaps she mistook her for her maid or her nanny & decided to make her feel small. Which is an awesome thing to do on your first week on the job. If you’re listening reality gods, please make her get fired. I promise to act surprised. Scout’s honor!

House Husbands of Hollywood?… Don’t Mind If I do!

Over the weekend I was stuck doing some serious laundry and just like all great love stories, I stumbled upon a show called ‘House Husbands of Hollywood’ and haven’t been the same since. This yummy show is about five guys who are stay-at-home dads but still lay the smackhand down on their wives! How u luv that?!

Now from what I can remember here are the characters: Grant the husband of LA anchor lady Jillian Barberie. He’s G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S with a hint of ocd, which to means he’s like my perfect man. Love it! Then there’s Danny, the weird little actor dude who is insecure b/c his wife supports him but not enough to get a waiter job while he goes on auditions like the rest of the world. Bill is the former baseball player who is super duper Mr. Mom which is fab, but has a strange addiction to making twice baked potatoes.

Then there’s Charlie who is married to some chick who refuses to be seen on camera (go figure). Charlie is straight outta’ Brooklyn and has a one-year-old son, even though he’s 50 (not that that’s old but…). He’s best friends with Ryan O’Neal, which clearly shows that he loves drugs! Just kidding. He even named his kid after Ryan. Oh wait what am I forgetting about Charlie?….oh yeah he went to prison for robbing a bank! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Now in his defense it was like 30 years ago and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, but he’s scared to tell his wife’s parents that he’s a total jailbird. Luckily for him being in jail isn’t as bad as being on reality tv so chances are they already look at him sideways so there’s really nowhere to go but up.

Lastly is Darryl. He’s the guy from ‘A Different World,’ that played Ron. He’s totally shacking up with Tempest Bledsoe—aka Vanessa from ‘The Cosby Show.’ Now who knew that?! Not me. What’s even better is that Tempest is “working” everyday, while Darryl is on house husband status. Although it’s a little confusing because most of his scenes are with Tempest so maybe they’re “working” together. Ironically Darryl used to be super rich because his dad left him a $14 million fortune from his chocolate company. Guess what Darryl did? He blew it all…put the company in the gutter, got sued, then….got on this reality show? I notice that he’s always trying to get Tempest to stop being so “tight” with her money, which only makes sense because he clearly knows how to manage money. It aint easy blowing $14 million dollars so quickly. I mean that’s talent!

This show is addictive people. Not so much for the “drama” but just because I like seeing a man do all the “house work” then boss his wife around when she gets home from work. I mean hell we ladies do that. If you’re not watching it, take a lazy Sunday and catch up on the episodes….or I’mma come to ur house rub baby powder on my pimp hand then slap u silly.

I’m Sorry Grey’s Anatomy, But You Just Lost Me

So I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this, but I think I’m pretty much over Grey’s Anatomy. Now wait, before you start picking up your torches to chase me out of town, just let me finish! Geez! I’m all for the outside storylines as usual, but the inside stuff, with Izzy and her cancer and George and his death, like seriously I can’t be apart of all that. And here’s why, unfortunately since I have far too much time on my hands I spend my days watching every entertainment show known to man. Which means that I knew that George was going to die months ago because I knew that they guy who plays him (T.R. Knight) left the show b/c he too was over it. So by the time I have emotionally let go of him, when I see this season premiere episode I want to laugh b/c I just can’t separate fact from fiction. Yes it was touching when his ex-wife totally couldn’t take it in the operating room and the chief and that mean little black lady all ran in and everybody was holding back tears. Great. Awesome. I’m all in. But then it got a little awkward. So as they’re standing there looking at George’s beef jerky stricken face, and they’re arguing the chief breaks in with “George O’Malley jumped in front of a bus to save a life!” LMAO!!! Blink* Blink* Blink*. WTF? Hahahaha. That’s pretty hilarious. No? I mean really writers of Grey’s Anatomy that’s the best you can do? So cheesy. So silly. So soap opera. Meanwhile over in cancer land, yes it was sad when Izzy was all “Call me back George I totally need you, I have cancer and I’m sad.” Then of course they had to tell her that fool was dead. Boo hoo. I’m sorry people but I could only keep it together for an hour, after that I was over it. This is what happens when actors start becoming real people with real lives and I know all their real life business, by the time I watch their show the storyline is old news. So how’s about they do me a favor and NOT live real lives so that I can believe that they actually work in Seattle Grace Hospital having sex with each other, spreading around STDs, fighting, cheating, and saving the world, one amputated Australian chick at a time.

Now Private Practice? Now THAT’s a show! If you’re sleeping on it, wake up!

Does Jay Leno Not Realize He’s Doing The Same Show?

Now I tried to get behind this idea of Jay Leno doing the same show he’s been doing for like 17 years but under a different name---ok scratch that. I can’t lie to you! I never got behind the idea. But when I watched a clip of the show I was left feeling the same way I felt when he left The Tonight Show: do you think I’m stupid NBC? You must, and again, I’m not. What the hell is the meaning of this madness? And where on Earth is the table? I can’t take my Jay straight up like that, legs open and kicking back. I need barriers. I need a big large desk and a tv that comes from the basement and rises to show clips of films and what not. What’s this no table business? Is this coffee talk? Like no that’s a little too intimate for my taste mister. But again, what is the meaning of this show again? Why didn’t they just keep his ass on ‘The Tonight Show?’

I realize that NBC is trying to pull the wool over my eyes by trying to lure me in with an amazing line-up of guests (that included some dude named Kanye West) only to make me wanna kill myself by week two. I’m on to you! And guess what?…it ain’t gonna work. Now don’t get me wrong I love me some Jay Leno, but I love Dave Letterman more. And seeing as how Jay refuses to fire that Kevin bafoon of bandleader in his employ, I have to let you go. Seriously I’ve had enough! Do yourself a favor Jay Leno and stop being a control freak, retire from late night and take a little time to enjoy The View. Just watch out for Sherri Shepherd’s comments, she’s so dumb you might find yourself screaming “bloody murder!!!” at the TV like I do.

Road To The VMAs: The Latifah Edition (The Final Curtain Call)

I came, I saw, I got played. So when I embarked on my trek from the Bronx to Manhattan to arrive at the VMA awards I had a feeling I was in store for some mess. Of course no one could’ve known how true that statement ended up being. Like the rest of the media, I got my credentials, sat in a cold ass “holding” room and drunk some free bottled water. As we waited for hours until we were escorted to the red carpet I immediately realized two things: 1) my new favorite shoes failed me miserably (which I DID NOT see coming btw. It’s a platform heal. Perfect support!). 2) MTV was trying to fuck me by placing me (representing AOL) at the END of the carpet across from the fat single ladies dancer guy from You Tube…who got way more interviews than I did. By the time the confused celebs made it my way they were all “I have to go.” Or “Satan is calling leave me alone peasant!” what is THAT about? Geez man!

On the flip, I made some new “friends” saw some of my old friends who still live in NYC, got to see Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Diddy, and pretty much everybody (no Beyonce though, she was too good for my side of the carpet and honestly I don’t blame her). I also saw Kayne West (pre-Taylor incident) stumbling down the carpet all up on Amber Rose’s ass. If I knew then what I know now, I woulda jumped on the carpet and restrained his drunk ass!!!

The whole event was pretty cool yes, but by the time the show started my feet were bleeding as I was huddled on the street with the MTV crew watching the show from a 9 inch monitor. Um, excuse me, I’m AOL! Where is the press room and the sandwiches? I was told there would be sandwiches! Apparently, MTV staff and Radio City Music Hall Staff weren’t so interested in my words as they shunned me and blocked my entrance at just about every door you can imagine. Defeated I followed my friend to her office at BET to watch the rest of the show. As I was leaving who did I see but Taylor Swift getting the ultimate revenge on that asshole Kanye West by pulling off a FLAWLESS performance on the subway and the city streets. Fresh! What’s funny is I didn’t know what was going and me and my friend were pondering taking the Subway but couldn’t understand why it was closed…um yeah b/c Taylor Swift was performing on it! Hahaha. Good times.

As stories of West dominated and overshadowed what I feel should’ve been at the forefront: Mikey J’s life, death and Janet’s awesome tribute, I wondered just what the hell is wrong with that dude. Then I got tired of thinking about it and went home instead. Oddly enough about 7 cabs stopped to pick me up and I wasn’t even hailing a damn cab! Must’ve been the dress. Or who knows…the whole time I lived in NYC I never got so many cabs to easily. Drama.

Road To The MTV Awards: The Latifah Edition (Part 1)

7:00a.m.- woke up got ready to roll out, thru in one extra pair of shoes at the last minute.
7:53 a.m.- almost had a heart attack because I wasn’t sure if I told Bre to pick me up!
8:05 a.m.- got to the airport

9:00 a.m.- got shut down for being Muslim, missed my flight.

1:02 p.m.- Not sure of the time zone I’m in…been getting stiffed by the man since I made it to the airport. Was racially profiled in this post 9/11 world & have been in a negative mood since 9 a.m. the airline totally tried to stiff me out of $6 to watch Direct TV. Wow, really? But you give me a free meal? Jedi mind tricks for sure. Got a burger, salad and a Twix on the plane (how did they know that I LIVE for a twix candy bar? They must’ve read my diary.) I offered the burger to the burly guy next to me but since I’m wearing my neck scarf on my head like a traditional Muslim Hijab, he became VERY nervous, started stuttering and refused my burger! Lol. The lady on the other side of me was nice tho…seemed unfazed by my headgear, so I offered her my burger. “I don’t eat meat kind lady, would you like my burger?” to which she replied, “You might be fine, I don’t think this is real meat anyway!” Hahaha. You’re funny miss lady. I should’ve expected her witty repertoire, she was using the electronic book invention known as the Kindle, which screams ultra-sophisticado! Muy Bien!

Hmmm…the big burly dude offered me his Twix…I think he’s feeling guilty. No thank you sir! Keep your chocolate caramel cookie crumb goodness. Nice try! After the stewardess accidentally spilled my salad back on me when I was handing it to her to throw away, I was sure Jesus was attempting to assassinate my character again!…maybe it was just an accident. Anyway, on to Texas…then NYC. Let’s Go!

5:00 p.m.-At George W. Bush Airport. The name makes me wanna puke…for obvious reasons. Realizing I’ve been played by the man yet again, paid $7 for internet access only to find that it has been firewalled @ this NEW airport! Son of a bean-stock. This sucks

The View Is Back & Whoopi Goldberg Is Still Laying The Smack Down!!!!

Happy “Tuesday talk show premier day” kiddies! How excited are you that the fall line-up is finally upon us? So no…. You’re not very excited and I need to get a life? Fine. Meanwhile, let’s gab! Today is a two for one deal (recession style!) and we’ll start with The View. Season 13 and its just as crazy, forgetful and ridiculous as ever! All the usual suspects aligned (minus Hasselbeck) for a small set change for the new season. Everyone entered the room all excited and happy….except the love of my life Miss Whoopi Golderg. Decked in her traditional garb, Miss Goldberg sat down with a shrug written all over her face, rolled up her sleeves and got to laying the smack down on each chick around that table. “Whoopi, can I just say something real quick?” Barbara asked like a scared little puppy. “I’m trying to get my thought out but nobody is letting me finish…but go ahead Barabara.” Pow!!!!

Scene two: “Well Whoopi you know just speaking as a woman who has been in the same situation…” Sherri starts…”Ok but Sherri shut ur pie whole!” Wham!!! Ok, so maybe that last part was in my dreams last night, but it was pretty close to reality. What I am noticing is that everything on this show is like a visit to my grandma’s house---a lot of accusations, arguing, and then a feel good ending. Is it because they’re old and Sherri is unqualified (and needs to go to counseling to S-T-O-P talking about her stupid ex-husband)? Or is it because they’re women and women tend to talk a whole lotta nothing that gets jumbled and loud? I guess the latter. Either way I love it so lets eat it up. Can’t wait for all the guest hosts and maybe I’m the only person under 40 that watches this show, but I’m not interested in being judged so fall back haters! That’s an order!








Tyra Banks showing her real hair = fine with me. Like every black woman that has ever, or currently has, a weave or a wig we’re always worried about people thinking we’re bald (yes I said “we”) so that’s really what this show was about. Not so much about America loving themselves (that takes 2nd place to Tyra loving herself) but about this chick feeling some type of way b/c she doesn’t want people to think she’s bald. Hell Whitney Houston even did it in an interview (post Bobby divorce…during the crack years) where she said “I do have hair. My hair is down to here,” pointing at her arm. Um yeah no, if that doesn’t sound like a conversation had by every black girl on the playground who for whatever reason had to defend their “real hair” then I don’t know what does! But I’m fine with it. Tyra Banks, your hair is amazing. Your body is amazing. Your eyes are really pretty and I love that you love yourself so much that you constantly dedicate shows to that self-love b/c somewhere along the way you help out the little girl who don’t love themselves. So just like when u showed ur saggy boob on tv to prove to whoever that ur breast are real….I’m behind you 100%. Hair? Real. Boobs? Real. Eye color? Real. I get it you’re an amazing example of perfection at its finest & guest what? I’m on board!!!

Kick Rocks Kathy Griffin, Come On In Rachel Zoe!!!

So I’ve been waiting for this moment since the dysfunctional show known as ‘The Rachel Zoe Project' sashayed itself into my life in the year of our lord, 2008. The over the top phrases: i.e. “I’d Die!” “Killed It” “Shut it down,” and “Buh-nanas” are so sweet I need to see my dentist. Thank you for this new addition to my Monday night tv line-up. I appreciate it!

Now, ever since Nicole Richie blogged about Miss Zoe turning her into a skeleton, my Zoe-meter had been pretty low. But when she came back with said reality show/project on none other than the train wreck of all train wreck networks (known to mere mortals as Bravo!) I couldn’t help but get on board. And true to form Season 2 is shaping up to be just as low impact as its predecessor. The main characters are of course Zoe, her hubby with the weird hair, Brad + his bow ties and Taylor + her Ray-Ban sunglasses.

What’s so awesome is that Taylor doesn’t want to be there, Brad loves himself too much, and Zoe has died about 100 million times since the show started. Which leads me to believe that she is either a cat (with a shit-load of lives) or she sold her soul to the devil in exchange for immortality. Either way, I’m on board. All the crazy amazing dresses burned into my crappy yet surprisingly photographic memory now have a back-story behind them, thanks to this show. At the end of the day, I love that she’s so passionate about clothes so I respect her hustle, her shoes & most importantly her bags. Keep it coming Rachel Zoe! Keep it coming!

Hey You! Yeah You ‘District 9’ Yeah, No You’re Racist

So check this out youngins….the other night after gorging on a healthy helping of Thai food my surrogate older brother and I took in a movie by the name of District 9. Now like many movie buffs/nerds I knew all about this film, read the reviews, and was secretly geeked to see it. So when my surrogate brother, whom we’ll call “Corey,” asked me to go with him I was all in. As we walked through the doors looking like two people that escaped from some circus freak show (seeing as how I’m 4’11” and he’s just a few inches shy of being twice my size), we strapped in to enjoy what would turn out to be a very racist ride.

So let me get this straight: these “aliens” arrived in this country called South Africa…on this thing called a “ship” (a mothership that is), and were put in a weird concentration camp that turned into somewhat of a “slum” or “ghetto” if you will, due to overcrowding. 20 years later, said “aliens” are roaming all up and thru separated from the white people in South Africa, but allowed to live around and hang with black South Africans, who are also poor and live in the “slum/ shanty-town/ township.” What’s even better is said aliens speak some weird alien language (of course) but understand English and do things like buy and sell weapons, listen to South African RAP MUSIC (no your eyes are not deceiving you) and engage in inter-species sex w/ the other poor human South Africans. Wow! What a life! But it’s not all fun and games people, the aliens don’t actually want to live in South Africa anymore, b/c really they didn’t want to come in the first place. I assume that their mothership ran outta gas and finding a station turned out to be a bitch, so they just kicked back instead. But oh wait, the South African government, run by mostly white people and some “acceptable” blacks, have decided that they have had enough of these aliens that they’ve put in South Africa’s version of "the projects." So they go door-to-door evicting aliens. Yes that’s what I said. Serving aliens with eviction notices, so that they can move them to other government funded housing (aka a concentration camp). What’s even sweeter is that the government also gives these poor aliens food, yes government issued canned food. What kind? Oh, well cat food of course. Awesome! Awesome indeed. Now up until this point, though I noticed the racial parallels to what I believe is a lazy version of classism inspired by apartheid (look it up if you don’t understand), I started thinking maybe I’m crazy. Maybe growing up in a cult has got my mind all thrown. And then it happened, as if Jesus himself was whispering in my ear, something so amazing took place that I almost jumped out of my seat and walked out of that damn theater. The white head of the government agency that is supposed to evict all of the aliens got a little peeved with one alien who was NOT tryna bounce up outta his spot, or sign his name on the eviction notice (which I imagine is hard to do when u have tentacles for freakin hands! I mean really!). So “The Man,” says to the alien: “A check this out, if you don’t sign your name right here, I’m gonna’ take your son down to child protective services.” Oh snap! Child protective services for aliens? Amazing. “See, that’s your name here,” The Man continues. “See, Christopher Johnson. Right there, that’s your name. That’s you.” *Blink. *Blink. *Blink. Wait what?!!!! Wait I thought this was Africa, why the hell is this alien named Christopher Johnson? Now don’t get it twisted I am aware that all Africans do not have American or European names, but my point is “Christopher Johhson!” “Christopher Johnson!” His name might as well been “Leon Jenkins” since we’re just being careless with it. I’m sure he didn’t have that name when he came off the mothership & moved into the shanty-town, so I will assume that The Man gave him that name. Now correct me if I’m wrong but this story sounds eerily familiar. Government issued housing that’s over-crowded and littered with criminals, prostitution and drugs. Not to mention the government issued food. Wow. Now I know what you’re thinking: it’s just a movie and they’re aliens. They’re not meant to be people----black people at that, it’s Africa for goodness sakes. There are black people everywhere. To that I say open up your mind Uncle Tom. Yeah I said it! If District 9 doesn’t parallel the socio-economic and racial divide in South Africa today than I don’t know what does. Essentially, from what my little sister told me on her recent trek to the motherland, there are three very obvious levels of classes in South Africa. There’s the hierarchy of people who tend to live in the nice areas of the countries near the most fab hotels and things of that nature. Then there are the middle people, some black (often of a lighter complexion) and/or mixed (with Dutch and South African), and then there are the “natives.” Those whom hold a darker complexion (more often than not) and live in some of the worst conditions that us spoiled Americans will never understand. These are the smiling faces of children kicking cans around their tin houses without a care in the world. These are our people that don’t make it to commercials to donate a $1 because they may not necessarily suffer form famine or disease. But they definitely exist, even if far removed from our reality they are there. My former boss and I had a conversation about his time in South Africa with Mr. Nelson Mandela. Now, my former boss is without a doubt the richest person that I know, he’s probably richer than a lot of rappers (just an example to parallel it to the idiots) and he told me that the conditions in the ghettos of South Africa were some of the most horrible things that his eyes have ever seen. And this, mind you, is a man that did not grow up rich, was to be the first in his family to graduate from high school, never attended college but knocked down the doors of meetings he was not expected to attend. He has sat at tables with heads of states, actors, musicians, politicians, and presidents, yet it was his trip to South Africa (and his friendship w/ Mr. Mandela) that changed his life. The point of this story is if you dare to see this movie, which I will say is pretty funny/sad/heart-wrenching aside from the racial overtones, you will be entertained. But just because you may laugh, or ogle at the amazing violence, don’t close your mind completely to the obvious parameters. Opening your mind does not mean ur a conspiracy theorist or getting “too deep.” It means that you are a critical thinker. And that my friend, is a trait to be admired.

Hello Dimples!

The only man with more famous dimples than AC Slater is back bitches!!…and still looking as good as the day we met (in my dreams that is). Now of course I was skeptical about this ‘My Antonio’ situation because everybody knows that finding love on the camera = you hate yourself and want to get an STD. But this, my friends, is lovely! First off they’re in Hawaii, so honestly I would’ve applied just for the free trip. Yet when we get down to the nitty gritty, I’m realizing that this Sabato Jr. heartthrob of a man is super sensitive and all about that crazy little thing called love. Instead of drowning is his dimples, I will note that any person who wants to be on TV with chicks that he will narrow down and end up “loving,” is shallow. Already, my standout character is some chick whose name I do not know. What I do know is that she’s blonde, has a baby face (despite being almost 30) cries a lot and is a mixed bag of crazy! Keep up the good work lady!

Now let me take a moment to talk about the real breakout star: Sabato Jr’s mommy. Lol, I love her. She strolled her way up to that Hawaiin paradise wearing the most amazing oversized black hat from the Sophia Loren/ Raquel Welch collection, and stole the damn show. Let me tell you this ladies and gents: aside from my own mom, if I could chose a different kind of mother I’d be torn between an Italian mom and a Greek mom. They’re both very blunt and scare just about everyone that they come in contact with. Sabato Jr’s mom was no exception—which is good quality to have in a reality tv show star. Those little bitches were so scared I’m surprised they didn’t piss their pants. I mean can you imagine having to meet a guy’s mom on day one? (I can of course, because parents love me….I think it’s because I’m small adorable and all around amazing). Mama Sabato Jr. just sat there gave them looks that could kill, and managed to talk shit in two languages! Good work Sabato Jr. and Mama Sabato Jr. I’m hooked! See you next week!

Terrell Owens: Wide Receiving His Way Into My Heart One Episode At A Time

Good evening. How’s everybody doing tonight? I’d like to kick this post off by telling ya’ll a little story. One day, I was driving down La Cienega on my way to the Urth Caffé in West Hollywood (yes the same one that’s always on Entourage! How cool!), and I stopped at a light. In the midst of changing the song on my iPOD, I looked to my left to see a picture of a butt ass naked Terrell Owens crouched over on one knee promoting his reality show. First, I almost crashed. Then I started slinging derogatory slurs at the picture because I hate T.O. ever since his cocky ass San Francisco 49er days of my youth. So, when I tuned in to the first episode of this alleged show, I immediately made my judgments. T.O. = douche bag with an amazing body. His “publicist” Mo = good friend always looking out for her big homie. The other “publicist” chick = totally in love with T.O. and either wants him to hit it or mad that he hit it and quit it. Textbook case.

After getting over the first episode filled with eye candy for the male sweet tooth plus one very unprofessional Asian “realtor” who slept with her “client” one day after meeting him. Hmm….sounds like a call girl to me….but it is what it is. I almost wrote the show off but if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I have no standards when it comes to reality tv.

This week’s episode was especially mushy when T.O. went to his hometown and visited his grandma who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. As he sat with her, tears streaming down that dark chocolate face, I could see in his grandmother’s eyes that she was still “in there” even though she wasn’t responding. Then as if reading my thoughts, she spoke! Snap! Blink* Blink* Blink* Does that mean I’m psychic? I’m gonna’ go with yes. Either way, that scene was so touching I almost dropped a tear, but I ain’t no bitch so I sucked it up kept it pimpin and took a sip of my gin and juice. But here’s the point: T.O. is a douche that is for sure, but like every crafty bastard with a reality show he has found his way into my life before football season even starts and making me love him for the first time…all over again. Nice try T.O. but I’m on to you! I will not fall victim to these heart-wrenching episodes in which you tap dance dangerously close to my heart! But you are a dedicated competitor in the fight for my emotions, and for that I say good job to your sir. Good job indeed.

Real Housewives of ATL Shawty!!!

Do you remember that feeling of waking up on Christmas morning after little sleep because the anticipation was killing you?…So you ran up to that tree an prayed to big baby Jesus that Santa Claus didn’t stiff you again on some bullshit ass gifts? Well, I don’t because I’m a half-ass Muslim, but I imagine that watching Bravo’s premiere of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is the same feeling. All day I paced myself, drinking alcohol, writing up some news, texting the boo, all to kill time until my world was rocked and my brain cells were murdered by that one hour show. And what do you go and do Bravo? You plant a fight between Sheree and some queen (who claims that he’s not gay) plus throw the shiniest Barbie Doll wig that they make and put it all up and through Kim’s head. I mean really Housewives? What are you doing to me man? What are you doing?

NeNe’s Peter Pan wig that rides up in the back? Check. Lisa pretending that she only has one child when she really has three? Check. Kim looking like a retarded beauty school drop-out? Check. Sheree getting’ the boot up outta her spot for being mean, stupid and broke? Check. Check. Check! Snap! This shit is amazing! I mean how is it that I am drawn to this show like a moth to a flame?…Like a ghetto rat to some cheese. I mean I just can’t get enough and guess what? I like it! I don’t even care that this show goes against everything that is right with the world. I don’t care that as soon as the words: “Did you watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta?” escapes my perfect little lips, I get dumber. Guess what people? Judge me if you will, but I like it. Better yet, I love it. And if heaven exists I hope that there is a TV up there where they run all of my favorite shows on an endless loop. And if I’m super lucky, and God is a merciful God (which I have been told that he is), he will make sure that that damn show is all up and through my TiVo, that Kim and NeNe never stop fighting, that Sheree continues to look like an Ice Queen with really nice hair. Oh, and that Kandi’s 6-year-old daughter/best friend remains amazingly grown as she lets her mom know (in not so uncertain terms) that she does NOT want her to marry dude with 6 damn kids. Hahahaha! Good stuff you crazy bitches. Now keep it coming!


P.S. Dear TV One, I get that MJ (or Mikey J as I call him) is dead and its all sad and what not. We all miss him, but I’mma need you to STOP running the same damn tribute performance from 2001 with Usher draped in a loincloth looking like Boo Boo Da Fool. Thanks. ‘Preciate it!