I Can See ‘The Hills’ From ‘The City’

So since every time I say something to somebody they always find a way to throw “we’re in a recession” into the conversation I’ve decided to do another two-for-one blog post, recession style! This week my prey is The Hills vs. The City. Now when The Hills first started I was all for the coming of age story about some rich white chick moving from one rich town in Southern California to another rich town in Southern California. When Lauryn jumped into her CLK Benz, looking all poor (b/c where they come from buying a CLK is pretty much like driving a Subaru…its gross) yet wide-eyed and bushy tailed somehow I related. Then I looked in the mirror and remembered that I can’t relate to her at all. But I digress. Anywho, long story long, LC is no longer on the show and now this little chick named Kristin is taking her spot. And guess what people? I’m not that interested. I mean here we go again with the fake “tell it like it is” mantra. Enough. Starting fights with random little rich girls with “plumped up” lips (this means you Stephanie Pratt) and money to wipe their asses with does not a bad ass make. Oh and let’s not forget the super staged “encounters.” You expect me to believe this madness? Well I don’t! Why you may say? Well besides the fact that I have eyes so I can see what’s going on here, I totally saw these fake enemies on The Hills all chummy on the red carpet at more than one MTV event. Which means that everybody is just another member of the cast so big whoop. This season couldn’t be more stupid and a bigger waste of my intelligence and from MTV? I’ve been loyal to you….I expect more from you!





The City:

Now here’s how this Tuesday night lineup is redeeming itself. Since this show is only in its second season it’s still a little non-scripted (or not so obviously scripted). Kelly still needs to take a shower, Whitney needs to get a clue, and Olivia is a wonderfully vicious bitch. I mean seriously, she is pretty much all that is wrong with the world: classist, egregious, snobby, and just plane gross. This is what living in New York will do to you if you’re not careful. Living on that 13-mile strip known as Manhattan will have you believing that you run the fucking world b/c the area is so small why wouldn’t you think that? It’s no wonder that half of the people that were actually born and raised in Manhattan are certified douche bags. Which is why I don’t live there anymore. But again, I digress. Anyway, even though I hate Olivia I love her for being so terrible. Secretly she wants me to keep watching so she attempts to lay the smackhand down on her co-worker over at Elle Magazine. Perhaps she mistook her for her maid or her nanny & decided to make her feel small. Which is an awesome thing to do on your first week on the job. If you’re listening reality gods, please make her get fired. I promise to act surprised. Scout’s honor!

House Husbands of Hollywood?… Don’t Mind If I do!

Over the weekend I was stuck doing some serious laundry and just like all great love stories, I stumbled upon a show called ‘House Husbands of Hollywood’ and haven’t been the same since. This yummy show is about five guys who are stay-at-home dads but still lay the smackhand down on their wives! How u luv that?!

Now from what I can remember here are the characters: Grant the husband of LA anchor lady Jillian Barberie. He’s G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S with a hint of ocd, which to means he’s like my perfect man. Love it! Then there’s Danny, the weird little actor dude who is insecure b/c his wife supports him but not enough to get a waiter job while he goes on auditions like the rest of the world. Bill is the former baseball player who is super duper Mr. Mom which is fab, but has a strange addiction to making twice baked potatoes.

Then there’s Charlie who is married to some chick who refuses to be seen on camera (go figure). Charlie is straight outta’ Brooklyn and has a one-year-old son, even though he’s 50 (not that that’s old but…). He’s best friends with Ryan O’Neal, which clearly shows that he loves drugs! Just kidding. He even named his kid after Ryan. Oh wait what am I forgetting about Charlie?….oh yeah he went to prison for robbing a bank! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Now in his defense it was like 30 years ago and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, but he’s scared to tell his wife’s parents that he’s a total jailbird. Luckily for him being in jail isn’t as bad as being on reality tv so chances are they already look at him sideways so there’s really nowhere to go but up.

Lastly is Darryl. He’s the guy from ‘A Different World,’ that played Ron. He’s totally shacking up with Tempest Bledsoe—aka Vanessa from ‘The Cosby Show.’ Now who knew that?! Not me. What’s even better is that Tempest is “working” everyday, while Darryl is on house husband status. Although it’s a little confusing because most of his scenes are with Tempest so maybe they’re “working” together. Ironically Darryl used to be super rich because his dad left him a $14 million fortune from his chocolate company. Guess what Darryl did? He blew it all…put the company in the gutter, got sued, then….got on this reality show? I notice that he’s always trying to get Tempest to stop being so “tight” with her money, which only makes sense because he clearly knows how to manage money. It aint easy blowing $14 million dollars so quickly. I mean that’s talent!

This show is addictive people. Not so much for the “drama” but just because I like seeing a man do all the “house work” then boss his wife around when she gets home from work. I mean hell we ladies do that. If you’re not watching it, take a lazy Sunday and catch up on the episodes….or I’mma come to ur house rub baby powder on my pimp hand then slap u silly.

I’m Sorry Grey’s Anatomy, But You Just Lost Me

So I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this, but I think I’m pretty much over Grey’s Anatomy. Now wait, before you start picking up your torches to chase me out of town, just let me finish! Geez! I’m all for the outside storylines as usual, but the inside stuff, with Izzy and her cancer and George and his death, like seriously I can’t be apart of all that. And here’s why, unfortunately since I have far too much time on my hands I spend my days watching every entertainment show known to man. Which means that I knew that George was going to die months ago because I knew that they guy who plays him (T.R. Knight) left the show b/c he too was over it. So by the time I have emotionally let go of him, when I see this season premiere episode I want to laugh b/c I just can’t separate fact from fiction. Yes it was touching when his ex-wife totally couldn’t take it in the operating room and the chief and that mean little black lady all ran in and everybody was holding back tears. Great. Awesome. I’m all in. But then it got a little awkward. So as they’re standing there looking at George’s beef jerky stricken face, and they’re arguing the chief breaks in with “George O’Malley jumped in front of a bus to save a life!” LMAO!!! Blink* Blink* Blink*. WTF? Hahahaha. That’s pretty hilarious. No? I mean really writers of Grey’s Anatomy that’s the best you can do? So cheesy. So silly. So soap opera. Meanwhile over in cancer land, yes it was sad when Izzy was all “Call me back George I totally need you, I have cancer and I’m sad.” Then of course they had to tell her that fool was dead. Boo hoo. I’m sorry people but I could only keep it together for an hour, after that I was over it. This is what happens when actors start becoming real people with real lives and I know all their real life business, by the time I watch their show the storyline is old news. So how’s about they do me a favor and NOT live real lives so that I can believe that they actually work in Seattle Grace Hospital having sex with each other, spreading around STDs, fighting, cheating, and saving the world, one amputated Australian chick at a time.

Now Private Practice? Now THAT’s a show! If you’re sleeping on it, wake up!

Does Jay Leno Not Realize He’s Doing The Same Show?

Now I tried to get behind this idea of Jay Leno doing the same show he’s been doing for like 17 years but under a different name---ok scratch that. I can’t lie to you! I never got behind the idea. But when I watched a clip of the show I was left feeling the same way I felt when he left The Tonight Show: do you think I’m stupid NBC? You must, and again, I’m not. What the hell is the meaning of this madness? And where on Earth is the table? I can’t take my Jay straight up like that, legs open and kicking back. I need barriers. I need a big large desk and a tv that comes from the basement and rises to show clips of films and what not. What’s this no table business? Is this coffee talk? Like no that’s a little too intimate for my taste mister. But again, what is the meaning of this show again? Why didn’t they just keep his ass on ‘The Tonight Show?’

I realize that NBC is trying to pull the wool over my eyes by trying to lure me in with an amazing line-up of guests (that included some dude named Kanye West) only to make me wanna kill myself by week two. I’m on to you! And guess what?…it ain’t gonna work. Now don’t get me wrong I love me some Jay Leno, but I love Dave Letterman more. And seeing as how Jay refuses to fire that Kevin bafoon of bandleader in his employ, I have to let you go. Seriously I’ve had enough! Do yourself a favor Jay Leno and stop being a control freak, retire from late night and take a little time to enjoy The View. Just watch out for Sherri Shepherd’s comments, she’s so dumb you might find yourself screaming “bloody murder!!!” at the TV like I do.

Road To The VMAs: The Latifah Edition (The Final Curtain Call)

I came, I saw, I got played. So when I embarked on my trek from the Bronx to Manhattan to arrive at the VMA awards I had a feeling I was in store for some mess. Of course no one could’ve known how true that statement ended up being. Like the rest of the media, I got my credentials, sat in a cold ass “holding” room and drunk some free bottled water. As we waited for hours until we were escorted to the red carpet I immediately realized two things: 1) my new favorite shoes failed me miserably (which I DID NOT see coming btw. It’s a platform heal. Perfect support!). 2) MTV was trying to fuck me by placing me (representing AOL) at the END of the carpet across from the fat single ladies dancer guy from You Tube…who got way more interviews than I did. By the time the confused celebs made it my way they were all “I have to go.” Or “Satan is calling leave me alone peasant!” what is THAT about? Geez man!

On the flip, I made some new “friends” saw some of my old friends who still live in NYC, got to see Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Diddy, and pretty much everybody (no Beyonce though, she was too good for my side of the carpet and honestly I don’t blame her). I also saw Kayne West (pre-Taylor incident) stumbling down the carpet all up on Amber Rose’s ass. If I knew then what I know now, I woulda jumped on the carpet and restrained his drunk ass!!!

The whole event was pretty cool yes, but by the time the show started my feet were bleeding as I was huddled on the street with the MTV crew watching the show from a 9 inch monitor. Um, excuse me, I’m AOL! Where is the press room and the sandwiches? I was told there would be sandwiches! Apparently, MTV staff and Radio City Music Hall Staff weren’t so interested in my words as they shunned me and blocked my entrance at just about every door you can imagine. Defeated I followed my friend to her office at BET to watch the rest of the show. As I was leaving who did I see but Taylor Swift getting the ultimate revenge on that asshole Kanye West by pulling off a FLAWLESS performance on the subway and the city streets. Fresh! What’s funny is I didn’t know what was going and me and my friend were pondering taking the Subway but couldn’t understand why it was closed…um yeah b/c Taylor Swift was performing on it! Hahaha. Good times.

As stories of West dominated and overshadowed what I feel should’ve been at the forefront: Mikey J’s life, death and Janet’s awesome tribute, I wondered just what the hell is wrong with that dude. Then I got tired of thinking about it and went home instead. Oddly enough about 7 cabs stopped to pick me up and I wasn’t even hailing a damn cab! Must’ve been the dress. Or who knows…the whole time I lived in NYC I never got so many cabs to easily. Drama.

Road To The MTV Awards: The Latifah Edition (Part 1)

7:00a.m.- woke up got ready to roll out, thru in one extra pair of shoes at the last minute.
7:53 a.m.- almost had a heart attack because I wasn’t sure if I told Bre to pick me up!
8:05 a.m.- got to the airport

9:00 a.m.- got shut down for being Muslim, missed my flight.

1:02 p.m.- Not sure of the time zone I’m in…been getting stiffed by the man since I made it to the airport. Was racially profiled in this post 9/11 world & have been in a negative mood since 9 a.m. the airline totally tried to stiff me out of $6 to watch Direct TV. Wow, really? But you give me a free meal? Jedi mind tricks for sure. Got a burger, salad and a Twix on the plane (how did they know that I LIVE for a twix candy bar? They must’ve read my diary.) I offered the burger to the burly guy next to me but since I’m wearing my neck scarf on my head like a traditional Muslim Hijab, he became VERY nervous, started stuttering and refused my burger! Lol. The lady on the other side of me was nice tho…seemed unfazed by my headgear, so I offered her my burger. “I don’t eat meat kind lady, would you like my burger?” to which she replied, “You might be fine, I don’t think this is real meat anyway!” Hahaha. You’re funny miss lady. I should’ve expected her witty repertoire, she was using the electronic book invention known as the Kindle, which screams ultra-sophisticado! Muy Bien!

Hmmm…the big burly dude offered me his Twix…I think he’s feeling guilty. No thank you sir! Keep your chocolate caramel cookie crumb goodness. Nice try! After the stewardess accidentally spilled my salad back on me when I was handing it to her to throw away, I was sure Jesus was attempting to assassinate my character again!…maybe it was just an accident. Anyway, on to Texas…then NYC. Let’s Go!

5:00 p.m.-At George W. Bush Airport. The name makes me wanna puke…for obvious reasons. Realizing I’ve been played by the man yet again, paid $7 for internet access only to find that it has been firewalled @ this NEW airport! Son of a bean-stock. This sucks

The View Is Back & Whoopi Goldberg Is Still Laying The Smack Down!!!!

Happy “Tuesday talk show premier day” kiddies! How excited are you that the fall line-up is finally upon us? So no…. You’re not very excited and I need to get a life? Fine. Meanwhile, let’s gab! Today is a two for one deal (recession style!) and we’ll start with The View. Season 13 and its just as crazy, forgetful and ridiculous as ever! All the usual suspects aligned (minus Hasselbeck) for a small set change for the new season. Everyone entered the room all excited and happy….except the love of my life Miss Whoopi Golderg. Decked in her traditional garb, Miss Goldberg sat down with a shrug written all over her face, rolled up her sleeves and got to laying the smack down on each chick around that table. “Whoopi, can I just say something real quick?” Barbara asked like a scared little puppy. “I’m trying to get my thought out but nobody is letting me finish…but go ahead Barabara.” Pow!!!!

Scene two: “Well Whoopi you know just speaking as a woman who has been in the same situation…” Sherri starts…”Ok but Sherri shut ur pie whole!” Wham!!! Ok, so maybe that last part was in my dreams last night, but it was pretty close to reality. What I am noticing is that everything on this show is like a visit to my grandma’s house---a lot of accusations, arguing, and then a feel good ending. Is it because they’re old and Sherri is unqualified (and needs to go to counseling to S-T-O-P talking about her stupid ex-husband)? Or is it because they’re women and women tend to talk a whole lotta nothing that gets jumbled and loud? I guess the latter. Either way I love it so lets eat it up. Can’t wait for all the guest hosts and maybe I’m the only person under 40 that watches this show, but I’m not interested in being judged so fall back haters! That’s an order!








Tyra Banks showing her real hair = fine with me. Like every black woman that has ever, or currently has, a weave or a wig we’re always worried about people thinking we’re bald (yes I said “we”) so that’s really what this show was about. Not so much about America loving themselves (that takes 2nd place to Tyra loving herself) but about this chick feeling some type of way b/c she doesn’t want people to think she’s bald. Hell Whitney Houston even did it in an interview (post Bobby divorce…during the crack years) where she said “I do have hair. My hair is down to here,” pointing at her arm. Um yeah no, if that doesn’t sound like a conversation had by every black girl on the playground who for whatever reason had to defend their “real hair” then I don’t know what does! But I’m fine with it. Tyra Banks, your hair is amazing. Your body is amazing. Your eyes are really pretty and I love that you love yourself so much that you constantly dedicate shows to that self-love b/c somewhere along the way you help out the little girl who don’t love themselves. So just like when u showed ur saggy boob on tv to prove to whoever that ur breast are real….I’m behind you 100%. Hair? Real. Boobs? Real. Eye color? Real. I get it you’re an amazing example of perfection at its finest & guest what? I’m on board!!!