The Latifah Sneaks Into The BET Awards!!!!

Now of course, I live an incredibly random life. I wake up to my computer, crank out news stories, interview people, and every once in a while attend a fab party (i.e. the Frankie B Jean 10th anniversary party I somehow got into the other night). This time around I made my way into the BET awards, on my own merit no less. Yes I work for “the man” so that helps, but don’t get it twisted, Latifah gets her own media access; the assignments aren’t just handed to me (well, most of the time).

Sunday I showed up at the BET Awards and after an hour of waiting in front of a door guarded by some big guy who could not be swayed by a smile and a candy bar, I finally made my way to the red carpet only to find that there was no place for me! Snap. How rude! Thinking on my feet I befriended other media people and worked my way between ABC News and MSNBC. Not bad….I guess. For the next two hours (I’m guessing, I don’t wear a watch) I interviewed some people and they mama (Shots out to Kid Cudi’s mom….we’ll be family soon? No? Too much “stalker” in my voice? Got it.). Cudi rolled through making my heart pitter patter…..Trey Songz looking so fresh and so clean, Mario kissing me & accidentally touching me in a weird place (the dress was a little open, don’t hate), Rich Ross bugging out in all white, Aresnioooooo Hall and his long finger, Gucci Mane laughing at me because I was getting irritated, Chamillionairre letting me hold his chain….blah blah blah. Wait do you notice that I didn’t interview any ladies? Yeah, well that’s because BET hated/ forgot about me, and put me at the beginning of the bad side of the carpet. Not bad because of the media people but bad because by the time celebs made it over to us they were done answering the same questions and rushed inside the building. I was happy to see Beyonce rush by like an angel in a sequenced mini-dress with incredibly high shoulder pads. Aaaah Miss Knowles-Carter you are something like a phenomenon.

One day I’m at the ASCAP awards calling Smokey Robinson’s name so he’ll give me an interview (I’m usually not that aggressive but when it’s Smokey you have to at least try. He didn’t give me interview though. I’m a failure. Sad face.) and the next I’m at the BET Awards. Not bad for The Latifah, not bad at all.

Anyway back to the topic….seeing as how I didn’t want to miss the show, me and my new best friend walked the red carpet and rolled to the “service entrance” of the Shrine Auditorium where we put on our Mission Impossible uniforms and carefully scooted under laser beams so as to not set off the alarm. Where did we end up? In the media room, eating up some nasty sandwiches. I was allowed to go to the bathroom where I ran into Alicia Keys (as I was coming out). I didn’t even realize it was her until it was too late. Random.

The Jacksons were there, Joe and Janet, plus Guy, New Edition, Keith Sweat….wait what year is this again? I’ll tell you this much: no matter what year it is groupies apparently never go out of style. Them hoes took over the BET awards like the swine flu. Cheers to you groupies, for your hard work, dedication, short dresses and high heels shoes. They don’t call it a blow “job” for nothing!

Hola At Ya Boy Bitch!!!…Take That You Crazy Housewife!!!

Ok so I have been waiting all season to hear Caroline say “Let me tell you something about my family, we are as thick as thieves.” The reality gods were truly looking down on me during the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale and I couldn’t be more thankful. Although it was definitely anti-climactic, just when I was ready to throw my TV out the window crazy ass Danielle pulled out that stupid book and got shit crackin’ every which way but the right way. Good work you tight-faced psycho loser. Love it! What’s even better is that she really thought that the party was for her. Um news flash bitch: fall back, nobody cares. Kill yourself. But then again, she’s all about the drama so what more do you expect? How awesome was it that Danielle refused to get into it with Caroline? “Look at me, because I told.” Snap! Hahaha you crazy lady…didn’t expect that did you? Furthermore you were all ready to get it poppin’ with Dina and you hit a huge roadblock then fell back like a botoxed puppy. Nice! Oh and what’s up with Danielle’s freakin’ daughters acting like they were about to “stand up” for their mom? Um no, you guys are children. Just because your mom pretends that you are her girlfriend does not mean you’re adults. It means your mom is a douche bag.

Well New Jersey, you did it again. You lived up to your reputation. Stank, classless and just plain stupid. Here this and hear this well: New Jersey is NOT---I repeat—NOT poppin.’ The only people that like New Jersey are people that live there. Furthermore they secretly love to spend all of their time in “the city” (aka New York) just to pretend that their yellow ass license plates are fly. Guess what, we took a poll and turns out they’re not. Jersey is the armpit of the tri-state area. But I will say this: seeing that it is only 10 miles from my former Harlem, New York digs, best believe I was crossing that bridge to wash my clothes, hit up Trader Joes, Target and PathMark all in one swing! Good times.


Oh, and Theresa who knew you were so strong. LMAO at you picking up a table for no good reason. Can’t wait for the reunion. No seriously. I can’t wait.

Patti Blagojevich You Seem Like A Very Nice Lady

Unfortunately for you though, I heard a videotape of your “curse-out-session” similar to what I imagine Tony Soprano would sound like if he ever caught me stealing his food. So yeah, watching you on ‘I’m A Celebrity…Somebody Kill Me (or “Get Me Out of Here” whatever), I can’t help but wonder if you are doing this merely to help your husband’s image. Why would I ask such a question of a seemingly caring mother who always wears her hair in ping-tails? (I’m not being sarcastic here, she does seem very very sweet.) Well for one it’s because I notice you always wear your hair in pig-tails like a sweet little girl—which is suspect. Also because if my husband is in fear of going to jail my first thought would not to be to go to the jungle. Why? Um you went when he couldn’t, which means he had the idea to go there in an attempt to save his image. You being the strong woman that you are, you took his place in an attempt to rid your mind of the public hell that you are going through. Now please understand me very clearly when I say this, I am a human being so contrary to what the world believes, I do have a heart. However, I can’t feel sympathy for a woman that married a man with crazy hair that tried to sell Obama’s senate seat only to get caught and pretend it never happened. Oh it happened. It’s politics baby. Politics and the mafia are kinfolk ‘case you ain’t know. Moving right along, then there’s the crying. Again I get that this is very hard on you, and I can see that you are the backbone of the family, but enough with the tears. Your husband is all smiles, and still manages to make one public appearance after another, and combs his hair all kinds of crazy so as not to confuse the locals. As a matter of fact I saw your hubby on the news appearing in a play at Chicago’s famed Second City Theater. The play was about him, and he came out at the end all “chorus line like” cheesing from here to high heaven. You on the other hand are crying next to John Salley about how you guys have no money. Now again, I am not saying that you deserve this, but I will say that if you drove a few extra miles from your Illinois suburb you might find a whole group of people who live check to check (or no check at all) on the daily. And guess what? They still manage to make it everyday. Wake up. Go to work. Go to school. Raise children. You name it. I’m also gonna’ go out on a limb and say that you wouldn’t dare walk those streets unless it was on the campaign trail with your husband. Since I’ve seen the conditions of parts of the Chi that look suspiciously close to every other city I’ve lived in where there are a lot of black people, you can kinda sorta blow it out your ass. But wait, I say that in the most respectful way possible, because my mom taught me to respect my elders. If nothing else you are merely guilty from suffering from “ride or die chick syndrome.” What is that? Its when you’re so down for you boo that he can do any and everything and you will stand by his side (think Eliot Spitzer boning a prostitute & his wife standing by his side after he got caught). It’s all the same. So I beg you Miss Patti, because again I truly believe that you are a nice person, don’t loan your soul to the devil so he’ll let you hold some paper; because when he comes to collect he could give a shit whether you or your husband are really innocent. I’m just saying.

We’re Gonna’ Have To Ice Skate Home…Hell Just Froze Over

Well, well, well what do we have here? Oh hello there MC Hammer, didn’t see you there. You know when I was a kid my mom used to take us to Milpitas, Ca to go shopping at the outlet malls. Along the way we’d pass MC Hammer’s sprawling mansion. True story. It sat in the middle of the hills, one-story and hella damn acres. I remember asking my mom “I wonder how they deliver the mail up there. I don’t see any other houses!” Yes that was dumb, but I was a kid so lay off me bitch. Ahem* Ahem* back to my point: now I look up and he’s invading my Sunday reality show line-up. Wtf? Why is it that the most boring people who go hella broke for blowing thru their money like a mountain of cocaine always wanna’ be having a damn reality show? Enough with this. Enough. Not you too Hammer. Of all people, I thought you were done with having people all up in your bees-knees after you filed for chapter 11; then released ‘Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story’ but I guess not. Clearly I was wrong. Very very wrong. Not that the show is all that bad. I mean if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 124,545 times: Black love is a beautiful thang. You and your wife are still together, you guys have hella kids and it’s all gravy. But at the end of the day, I gotta’ tell ya, I’m not really interested. Then it’s on A&E. My channel that is reserved for riveting docu-dramas like The First 48, Intervention, LA Ink and Dog the Bounty Hunter is now home to Hammer’s show? Gene Simmons was weird enough but I let it slide, this time I just can’t. So I’m pulling out my wicken spell book as we speak and will get down to the business of canceling this show. I’m sorry but I have too. It’s not you, it’s me.



p.s. Denise Richards: you’re next. Stop fronting like the world just can’t get enough of your former life with Carlos Irwin Estevez (aka Charlie Sheen). The only reason why we care is because you won’t let us forget it. Not to mention you have a reality show where you say: “OMG, I hope they don’t ask me about the divorce and about Charlie.” Um blink* blink * blink. You bring it up before everybody else. Let it go, he’s married with more kids. It’s over.

Don't Tase Me Bro!! Be Careful What You Wish For

Clearly you can get it too granny. An old lady dared a police officer to tase her and he called her bluff. The cop even said he'd do the same thing to his own mother if she stepped outta line. Class all the way.

Watching Sherri Shepherd on ‘The View’ Is Like Gauging My Eyes Out….

….it seems like a good idea at first but in the end it’s just too painful. Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, why the hell does this lady have a job?! She just might be the dumbest person on television. (Kudos to being black and being the dumbest person on television by the way. That looks great for us.) When I say dumb, I don’t mean figuratively, I mean literally. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if she has the mental capacity of an egg. Why is it that all you talk about is nonsense and Twitter? Even though Hasslebeck is all about liberal vs. conservative arguments, at least she’s informed about the damn news. Not this chick tho, the only topic that she can really speak about is being cheated on by her stupid ex-husband. I mean really, let it go. Please, I’m begging you. This is not your psychiatrist’s office—this is a morning show!

If you’re gonna’ cash the paycheck Shepherd then look alive, pick up a fucking newspaper and act like you want to get your contract renewed. No, every black woman doesn’t have to argue and snap her neck to get her point across (um hello does Whoopi Goldberg mean anything to you?) but pretend to know what the fuck is going on in the world. I may be totally crossing the line here, which doesn’t matter to me, but I’m gonna’ go out on a limb and say that her retarded world view is a direct result of her Jehova’s witness upbringing. Yeah I said it! Send your hate mail letters to 1234 Latifah St. Apt. Latifah Anytown, USA 00000.

Although I spent most of my life hiding from the witnesses of Jehova when they knocked on my door like the police (apparently they don’t like Muslims so I figured I was doing them a favor). Every once in a while I opened up, or my mom/bodyguard opened up. What happened you may ask? A whole bunch of cult ass backwards ass mess. Seeing as how I grew up in a cult myself, game recognizes game. Still don’t believe me? Two words: Micheal Jackson.

If you decide to stop sulking over your dilapidated marriage, or log off your Twitter page for five minutes and read this blog post Shepherd, just know that this is out of love. Oh and if you don’t get your shit together and stop saying dumb shit, I will be forced to stone you. You don’t want those type of troubles. Trust.

Zack Morris Lives!

I gotta’ tell ya, I would’ve been less surprised by the return of Jesus Christ than Zack Morris. When I saw this angel from my ‘Saved By The Bell' dreams walk onto the set I was utterly confused. That could be due to withdrawal from not taking my sleeping pills tonight (please fall asleep soon. Please fall asleep soon.) but I thought he was like super-imposed onto my TV screen fresh from 1992. Blink* Blink* Blink. Wait, what the? Zack is that you? Snap! The best part about it is he didn’t look a day over 35! They say black don’t crack but obviously he has some secret potion. I couldn't believe he pulled out that huge ass cell phone. I used to live for that phone! Me and my brother went to somebody’s house when we were kids and one of the girl’s had Zack’s phone! It was black tho. I remember thinking: Dang that phone is so cool! Anyway, Zack Morris, you coming back onto my TV screen made my day. Thank you sir. Oh, and can you tell Lisa Turtle that I looked up to her? Thanks.

Is Bette Midler Gonna’ Have To Slap A Bitch?

Monday June 8, 2009 is important to me for a couple of reasons. One, it’s my friend Raven’s birthday, and two it’s the premiere of ‘Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List.’ If my life were a reality show it would definitely be K.G.’s show. Well if I was a 40 something Irish white lady who also worked as a comedian. Since I am not, nor do none of the above, I live vicariously through this show. What I love the most is when people start to get a little annoyed by her craziness. Seeing as how she is always in “character” sometimes it can get a little strange. If you’re not a comedian, or regular loser like myself, the schtick gets old. Case in point, Better Midler invites Kathy into her “Vegas Life” and looked more and more annoyed by the second. How do I know this? Because when the Divine Miss M was on Oprah she was all happy and what not. How does Kathy combat this? Just when she’s pushes Miss M to the edge, she asks her a really serious question like “Who do you really get excited about?” Then they have a human connection. Nice jedi-mindtrick Griffin, your skills are pretty incredible. Either way, Miss M was so over it, it’s not even funny, seriously I’m sure there was a moment in between shooting where she was like: “Fuck this bullshit! I’m Bette Muthafuckin Midler!” I could see it in her eyes.

The epitome was when the random black crackhead chick rolled up in the camera and started fixing her hair. How ‘bout it doesn’t matter what’s going on in the world, if there is a camera and a crowd is near, a random person will jump in front of that shit, throw up the peace sign and shout out their moms. What up with that? Come to think of it, when’s the last time you’ve seen a reporter in Bangladesh reporting on some serious news shit and a random person jumps in the shot? Never right? America: take note.

Moving right along, Kathy Griffin is absolutely HIGHlarious. Her show is ironic, weird, rude and tons of fun. Her mother drinks boxes of wine, like I drink bottles of wine, which to me means that she knows where her priorities are. I salute you K. Griffin for still having your show, talking shit about people, making “Suck It” famous, and for dumping your ex who stole your money and was losing his hair. Glad to have you back!!!

If You Don’t See ‘The Hangover’ You’re A Douche Bag: 10 Reasons Why It Is the Funniest Shit of Your Life

Think I’m wrong? Well there’s a good $45 million in weekend box-office sales that would beg to differ. You probably don’t know this but I work in the movie business, and by “work” I mean I have checked the weekly box-office totals every Sunday since 2005. Yes, I’m just like Rain Man, but the difference is I don’t have Tom Cruise yelling at me and making me feel all strange and crowded. That said, I am able to remember pretty much every random box office debut of movies for the last four years. I don’t know why my brain works like this, it just does. Either way, I totally called ‘The Hangover’ being a huge success weeks ago. I’m like Yoda: I kick asses and take names, but I also give good advice. So if you haven’t seen it yet, here’s some reason why you should:

10.‘Can't Tell Me Nothin’ by Kanye ‘Live Your Life’ by T.I. and ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins are all played in the movie. If you don’t think that shit is dope, your mom is a whore.

9. The film jumps right in, it doesn’t make you sift through meaningless bullshit for a good 30 minutes before you’re trying to help these dudes piece together their night. Strap in your seatbelt bitches, it’s gonna’ be a bumpy ride!

8. Bradley Cooper is so cute that I’m having trouble writing this without the dirty thoughts.

7. That fat little baby. Those cheeks. That hat…if I could eat a baby up, he’d definitely be my dinner. Delicious little cutie!

6. This movie is exactly what happens when you leave the strip and get to the real Vegas: Muthafuckas have day jobs, are not drunk and can be a little rude.

5. “Fat Jesus” (aka Alan) is hilarious.

4. If you’ve never woken up in Vegas missing some form of clothing and don’t remember how the fuck you made it to the room…you haven’t lived.

3. The ode to the movie ‘Rain Man’ is worth its weight in comedic gold.

2. The Asian dude from ‘Knocked Up’ does a very funny Chinese accent.

1. Two words: Mike Tyson.

And Your Hands Are Not Around His Neck Because Why?

Of course I’ve talked in great detail about my mentally debilitating addiction to the ‘Maury Povich Show’ but this episode takes the cake. So this chick, lets call her “The Dumbest Bitch to Ever Walk the Earth and Wear Braids” brought her hubby on the show for a lie detector test. Now let me get this straight lady, you are on this show b/c your daughter told you she heard daddy with a woman making noises in her room….but you need to be sure? Um wtf? Then when the lie detector test proves that he’s been cheating (with like eight chicks), thinks he looks better than you, isn’t attracted to you anymore, and regrets marrying you, why are you jumping up like you won something? You lose. Loser. To add insult to injury, the audience is screaming, which clearly threw her off. Maybe she thought she beat him at some game. Until the trust dusty handy dandy therapist dude shut her shit the fuck down. “The real question is why you feel the need to stay with someone who does this to you.” Silence.


Maury Povich, you are all that is wrong with talk shows right now and put ignorant black people on the world forum to buck dance and act a fool for you. And what do I do? I watch you every day. You’re a racist, and I hate myself. So sad.

Heff Don’t Love Them Hoes! Kendra’s New Reality Show… Like, Really?

As you can probably tell from my previous blog entries, when it comes to reality TV I have no standards. Wait, I take that back, ‘Paris Hiltons: My New BFF’ is where I draw the line. Anyway, as I am sitting here watching former girlfriend of grandpa Hugh Heffner, Kendra Wilkinson, on her new show, I can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on here. Although I do love Kendra (she laughs weird and she’s a natural blonde, which to me are signs of good character), I still don’t get it. I feel like I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone and I’m the only one who realizes that this shit is super duper starship trooper crazy! Dude why are you taking your new boo to meet Heff and he’s nervous?! “The ex-boyfriend is meeting the new boyfriend, that’s got to be weird.” Um no, the only thing weird here is you people calling Heff a boyfriend. Heff ain’t been nobody’s boyfriend in a good 60 + years (give or take an extra 15). Next to my surrogate grandfather Popeye (who turns 99 this year! Congrats!) Heff is the oldest person that I’ve seen walking out and about. The thing I love about Heff is that he is totally not bothered by naked chicks. He’s just not interested. He prances all up and thru spots with blonde chicks kissing him and crying & he looks like he can barely move. All he wants to do is go home and take a nap! I love it. Now, I do totally realize that Heff is sweet as pie (which is why bitches with daddy issues cling to him), the fact that people act like he’s not over 80 is hilarious. Even funnier is that people act like he gives a shit about his ex-girlfriends. He knows that they’re opportunists (except for the ex-wife, Barbie Benton, and Holly Madison---she was in it to win it) and he’s coo wit it. Fake boobs? Sure, get as many as you want. Pose in the magazine? Sure, so long as I approve the pics. Threesomes? Absolutely, just go slow and let me take my Viagra first. Heff is easy as Sunday morning, and that’s why I like him.

Kendra on the other hand….she seems very sweet but it’s like “We get it, you love any and everything black. It’s fine.” Having Too Short rap your intro, um wtf? The side ponytail and the neck roll…come on with this shit dude. Fa real. Then having him at your party “Too Short made it so gangsta. I’m glad he came.” Wtf? That is the shit that makes me think white people be on some racist shit. We’re not your little black prank monkeys that buck dance and show you how “gangsta” we are by giving you a grill and a pimp cup. Like fa real tho chica, tread lightly. But I know that Kendra didn’t mean it that way, she’s a nice young lady, who just happened to fuck a dude older than her grandfather. I mean hell, her mom was worried about her leaving the mansion. Yes that is gross that her mom didn’t want her to leave her 80-something old-man-friend but either way it’s all good. Cheers to you miss lady. You got a dude to lock that down, and you guys are totally different. Now if I could just convince my ex that opposites always work well together, I might be on to something.


p.s. how funny was it that Kendra’s boo called Heff and he was like “What? Who? This is some kind of prank call.”---CLICK! Old people man…they keep me young!

David Letterman Sings The Blues

When dealing with the age-old question of who is better David Letterman or Jay Leno…or now Conan O’Brien, I chose not to answer. But I will tell you this, David Letterman is amazing. Not only is he quite the gentleman (if you notice he always kisses his female guests hands) but he also makes jokes about people even when they’re sitting right next to him getting interviewed. Among Dave’s arch nemeses are right wing politicos and Paris Hilton. I love love love when P. Hil makes her skanky way over to the guest chair because we all know that Dave hates her, yet both of them have no choice but to be around each other. Aaaah the nature of the beast. My fav Dave gags are when he gives her a backward’s compliment like “So these are the people vying to be your BFF? Which one of these losers wins?” Hahaha! Take that you gross example of everything that is wrong with the world! Here’s a question for you, why is it that she is the person who wears the most weaves ever, yet white people think that the weave is special only to black women? Don’t get it twisted bitches, this chick put weaves on the map, called them extensions and made fat ugly girls from L.A. to the Upper West Side crank out $2gs to get them put in. I’ve seen her weave up close and in person (the MTV Movie Awards…you knew it was coming!!!) and it’s gross.

Now back to my point….the best part about their interviews, is that this P. Hil character has no choice but to take it! Why you may ask? Because he’s David Letterman. The only person that is above Dave is Oprah, and even she proved to be no match for his charm. Albeit like 15 years later, but the point is that she showed up. So to you Dave I say, congratulations, you are my favorite person this week. Now don’t do anything to lose your place on the list. No sex tapes. No coke binges. No reality show. I prefer for you to remain pure in my mind. I love you.

Bravo TV, Now You’re Just Being Lazy

Why don’t I work for Bravo? If there is anyone who likes to take other people’s ideas and put their own stink on it, it’s The Latifah. How is it that all of your shows are just a “reality” version of a scripted show? It’s like you’re not even trying at this point. And what is this ‘Prep-school’ reality show business? People who like Gossip Girl I assume like it because they hate themselves. But more than that I think they watch it because it’s all drama filled and crazy with cute ass clothes to boot. Yes that formula works well on scripted TV because they are characters. When you watch real live rich kids from NYC who pop their collars and sneak into bars, the outcome is NOT the same. In the reality show world it basically makes them look like spoiled douche bags. That my friend is not interesting.

Also can you do me a favor and stop being lazy with your summer programming? Enough with the lost footage of the NYC Housewives reunion, and the lost lost footage of the Orange Country Housewives. What’s next, the lost footage of the Bravo TV janitor sweeping the floor? Or ‘Top Chef Breaks the Health Department Sanitation Rules.’ You obviously are all just sitting around in a circle saying “Hey what show can we jack this week & make with real people?” Anyone can do that, especially me…and I do it well. Can you hire me please? So, no? Too soon? I understand.

Johnny Depp You Are Like Totally In Love With Me

Every once in a while, a movie comes along and changes the way we see reality. A movie that is so powerful that it carries and births an amazing star. That movie? Edward Scissor-Hands. That star? Johnny Depp. Did you like that…that was my impression of James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio.’ But really tho….Johnny Depp is in love with me. How do I know, because he’s looking all old and attractive on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, which leads me to believe that he is trying to seduce me. What up with that JD? You’re 45 so unfortunately it will never work and I think you’re married so that might be a bit of a road block. Either way, can you believe this guy? He gets better with age, and bought his own island years ago, straight Richard “Billionaire” Bronson style. I’m on the phone wit my girls like “How cool is he?” Cheers to you Depp. You long haired 21 Jumpstreet alum you!

Well Hello There Summer Movies. Nice To Meet Cha!

With only 19 days until I my bat mitzvah, I have decided to mark the special occasion by going to see Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. Gotcha! I’m not Jewish. Oh, and I’m not 13. However I am not lying about the sequel to the best movie E.V.E.R. If you’ve been reading my blog (and you better have been) you should know that I told Michael Bay of my love for his cinematic magic & he said “thanks!” I have it on tape if you don’t believe me. With that said, I have put together a list of my up-coming summer movie pics (aside form Transfomers). Oh, and a small review of the film ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Enjoy!


Review of Drag Me To Hell- Hmmm….how can I put this? Have you ever ran into some crazy ass old lady who begged you for a loan and when you turned her down she got all psycho on you and brought the devil all up and thru your shit? No? Well, then you probably won’t like ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Although it is short, sweet, and funnier than I ever thought it would be (I haven’t laughed that hard in years!) the rest of it was pretty effin crazy. In short ‘Drag Me To Hell’ = a bad day at the office. See it, don’t see it, I don’t really care. But I will tell you this, the next time an old lady with a glass eye and dentures rolls up in your joint asking you for something, give her what she wants or there will be hell to pay. Literally.

The Hangover: Starring my white husband (Bradley Cooper) who was even more delicious at the MTV Movie Awards. I can’t wait for this movie to come out (later today). Because my friends and I have spent many o’ nights in Vegas ‘The Hangover’ is based on the True Hollywood Story of The Latifah.

The Taking of Pelham 123: 2 words + many dirty thoughts = Denzel Washington. I was living in New York City when Mr. Washington was shooting this movie, which is why I’m guessing her kept calling my old job (this is not a lie). Either way, he never stopped by when I was around, so I’m convinced he doesn’t like me. But I heart you Mr. Washington. Also Travolta’s mustache thingy looks pretty amazing.


Year One: Jack Black & Micheal Cera. It’s Jack Black so chances are you’ll get a good chuckle out of this. Add Michael Cera and his confused antics and you’ve got a load of funny on your hands.

Public Enemies: Edward Scissor-hands stole my heart and won’t let it go. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale shooting up shit in the 30s? Sounds good to me! I’ll take two servings please!

Bruno: Borat was stupid (damn right) this however will be a classic. Even better is that he’s releasing it the day after my b-day which is good luck. Both ‘Anchorman’ and ‘American Pie’ came out on my b-day. Need I say more?


Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince: Nerds unite! No I am not a total douche like my little sister, so I have not read any of these stupid books. I prefer to watch the movie and throw popcorn at little kids who try to step to me. You’ll lose every time 6-year-olds so step the fuck off! You’ve been warned.

Joe Jonas's Coming Out Party

More than anything, I want to shoot myself in the face for being a grown woman and knowing who this guy is. But I have a teenage niece who keeps me hip. Something for shits and giggles. Enjoy!

A Shot of Heroin to My Reality Show Vein

First off let me say that Tuesday took forever to get here. Secondly, that Danielle lady is going to kill that Jacqueline lady, skin her and then wear her as a coat. “I’m very passionate about you.” Um whoa lady! Back it up and stop being all clingy. Seriously I’ve decided that this chick wants her own spin-off show b/c she is putting in WORK! Oh and if I have to tell one more crazy ass single mom that your children are not your “girlfriends” I’m going to scream! Your children can definitely grow into being your friends (when they are like adults maybe), and its nothing wrong with a child thinking that their mom is their friend. There is however something terribly wrong with a mom saying her 10-year-old daughter is her girlfriend! What kinda shit is this lady? So let me get this straight, do you guys go out and get drinks together and talk about dating and sex? No? Because that’s what you do with your girlfriends numb nuts. By the way how classic was it that she said “I just hope that I’m doing a good job” and her 10-year-old old was like “You are.” Um *Blink *Blink *Blink, is that how you measure if you’re a good mom… If your kids say you are while they are still kids?! That’s is so stupid I can’t help but laugh. Also Danielle totally did all those things in the book. How do know? Because she’s had reconstructive surgery to hide her face. Oh and Jacqueline yes she’s really capable of that. She’s from Jersey, so asking her to have morals and standards is like asking Jersey girls to not use hairspray. It just doesn’t work that way. And stop being all dramatic with the “Know who your enemies are.” Cut it out bitch, the only person on that show that has enemies is you because everybody in Jersey hates you. Which means you have to be a real douche to be looked down upon in Jersey, I mean really. Oh and one more thing just because you have a gay best friend it doesn’t mean that he’s not stupid. He is friends with you after all.

Btw Teresa’s house is amazing and her daughter is like a little adult. Although Gia may be a little racist, which is not cute. “Alberto? I don’t know how to say that. I don’t speak Spanish!” pump your brakes little girl and don’t act like a douche. Oh and say please and thank you when you ask for someone’s help. What the hell? Until next week you feisty housewives!

I’m Not A Celebrity, Cancel This Show.

I command you! Maybe NBC misinterpreted my prayers but I do love Heidi & Spencer but do not want them all up in my house four nights a week. What the hell? Ok, I will give you that benefit of the doubt because it is pretty fun to watch Spencer’s beard get bushier and creepier everyday, but what am I supposed to think about for the rest of the 55 minutes of the show? What’s worse is that you had the cohones to air this show for two full hours, but after that ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ eight hour finale, I don’t put anything passed you NBC. So in case you’re smart—which I am clearly not—and you didn’t see the show let me give you the rundown. Spencer, Heidi, Janice Dickinson, a Baldwin, John Salley, Sanjaya, Frangela, Blagojevich’s wife and some wrestling lady are in the Costa Rican jungle. They have to live, eat, poop, and cry together for three weeks while America knocks them off one by one. Sound stupid? Oh it gets worse. The winner gets like $100k for their favorite charity, which is hilarious because last timed I checked most of these people were broke. So your trying to tell me that Sanjaya couldn’t use $100k? Nice try. I’m no fool.

The first episode exposed the dirty underbelly of reality star hierarchy. Provocative indeed. Spencer tried to quit, telling producers that he and Heidi are real celebrities while the comedy team known as Frangela are not. Um excuse me Pratt but Frangela has been on ‘Oprah’…even if it was via Skype. Paper covers rock because Oprah is the new Jesus so you lose! Heidi is crying b/c she doesn’t have hair spray (which she really needs…her hair is craziness) and Spencer runs up on one of the Frangela chicks. Riddle me this NBC? In what dimension would a white boy from the hills run up in a black woman’s face and not get knocked the fuck out? How realistic is this? Madness I tell you. Madness. Here’s another funny thing to tickle your fancy. Sanjaya beat a girl in swallowing some white stuff the fastest. If that wasn’t good enough, he then licked said “white stuff” off the table to make sure he won the contest. Um Sanjaya, yeah no, you’re gay. Stop it. How dare you mock homosexuality by trying to make us believe that you don’t swallow white stuff with the quickness on the daily. Like what is the deal with these American Idol people trying to pretend that they’re not gay (not you Adam…you are def not pretending). Be you. Be free. Be happy. Nobody cares. This whole thing is a sham. I hate myself. Good night.

Are You Kidding Me With This Susan Boyle & Kate (plus eight)?

Because the economy is bad, tonight I’m hitting you with a two for one deal. My first target? Susan Effin Boyle. What is this madness? If it’s not bad enough that the UK, and America had to admit that they think “ugly” people can’t sing (hey, their words not mine save your hate mail), then this chick has an attitude problem? Really? Wow. After signing this weird song, she got like 60 million hits, people started speculating if she’d had a chemical peel and her eyebrows waxed, and now she’s in “exhaustion rehab.” Wtf? Somebody please tell me what part of the game this is because I’m confused. All of a sudden she’s a super diva, cracking under the pressure and salty because she lost Britain’s Got Talent? Interesting because I thought that a month ago you were a 50-year-old virgin who had never been kissed. From where I sit, anything is an upgrade from that. So here is a word of advice Boyle, get your shit together, stop being exhausted (from what I have no idea…I thought you were on that show like three times but whatevs), and either get a record deal or get the hell of my TV screen. Those are your only options. I’m putting my foot down.

And you Kate of the “plus eight” prancing around here with your bikini body after birthing a million kids. Let’s just keep it real here…you had surgery. Pounds and pounds of your skin was chopped off and fed to the dogs. That body is man made. I’m sure you threw in some crunches for good measure but let’s not forget just what the hell is going on here people. You have eight children so when you found the time to work that body out and get a serious tan is beyond my level of comprehension. I have no kids, and my addiction to TV cuts into my workout regimen. Oh and another thing, my life was much easier when I could watch ‘John & Kate Plus Eight’ on a lazy Saturday when nothing else was on. So why the hell are you all up and thru my daily entertainment news? I don’t care about your haircut (that’s been like that for years, but all of a sudden is a big deal), I don’t want to see your pale brother and sister-in-law talking about how you are the devil, and I definitely don’t want to hear or picture your hubby bangin’ some 23-year-old. Like seriously, get it together or fall back. Note to humankind: the next person that talks to me about this Kate lady is going to get a dagger to the face. This means you ‘Today Show.’ You’ve been warned.

The Latifah Does the MTV Movie Awards!!!!

No your eyes are not deceiving you. I really did go to the MTV Movie Awards. Although I can’t really believe it myself, I did. Finally watching all this t.v. paid off! I would love to credit my super powers for being able to cover this event, but I actually owe that honor to AOL (also known as my day job). They got me in and they could get me out!!! So, let’s get down to bees-knees. First, I arrived on time despite attempting to arrive fashionably late so as to not have to sit and wait like the kid on the fieldtrip that has no friends. About an hour into waiting alone….like the kid on the fieldtrip that has no friends, I was told to line up with the rest of my kind (journalists). Before doing so, I did see a one mister Sasha Baron Cohen dressed as his latest character ‘Bruno’ in a silk robe and suspicious white boots. What was he doing you ask? Rehearsing for the stunt where he and his balls met with Eminem’s face. Yeah that was definitely pre-planned, but Em didn’t know anything about it! Too bad Em…had you given me an interview like I wanted maybe I wouldna’ had to make you feel my wrath. But that’s life brotha. Meanwhile, when I finally made it to the red carpet (and yes I got to walk it!!! Yay!!), I secured my spot between Radar Online and OK! Magazine (the big leagues). For the next three hours I proceeded to change my entire life. As I shifted my weight from one uncomfortable shoe heel to the other, I talked to (and/or yelled at) just about everybody. No not really…I more-so told the other “journalists” who certain people were so they could yell at them & I could smile when they turned around. I even made John Voight laugh---twice! Wtf? How dope is that? I’m funny now! Yay! Hmm…who else was there, Will Ferrell (aka my Yoda), the cast of The Hangover (soon to be added to my summer movies hot list), Megan Fox, The Hills Cast (& yes Brody Jenner was looking all kinds of delicious with his Ken doll looks), Tyrese (who did not come back for an interview after I was PROMISED that he would), Fonzworth Bentley, Sandra Bullock, Taraji P. Henson, and an uncomfortable run-in with Souja Boy. Funny how that keeps happening to me. Perhaps the BEST moment for me was when Michael Bay—the director of Transformers—walked by and I told him that Transformers was the best shit E.V.E.R!! He wouldn’t talk to most of the press but he totally turned around and acknowledged me! Oh shit!!!! Is this my life? Thanks Bay. You da’ man.

If that experience wasn’t good enough, I somehow made my way to the press tent, with all the paparazzi, where I was greeted with Subway sandwiches and all the Dasani water a girl could ask for. Word to the wise: you’d be surprised how far a smile, giggle and 5 inch heels gets you when you look like The Latifah. Of course it didn’t hurt that I was in a room that was mostly men (aka putty in my hands). Moving on, I sat back and watched the show & even witnessed “the pappers” –as Regis of Regis & Kelly calls them—yell all kinds of crazy shit at Cameron Diaz & the pale vampire dude from Twilight for not taking solo pics. Now I know why celebs HATE photographers. I mean its one thing to take pics, but it’s a whole other thing to be rude people! That’s what I told them, but I said it low b/c I didn’t want them to turn on me. Because I am a douche by nature and a retard by default, I did not charge my phone all the way so it died by the time I that I was standing 2 ft from Lil Wayne. Hoping that Jesus would grant me that one wish he’s been promising me, I attempted to snap Wayne, then my phone said “Low Battery…Shutting Your Dumb Ass Down For Not Charging This Phone Idiot.” Can you believe that? Sucks to be me. I did however snap a few random pics of some celebs on the red carpet….but you’ll have to figure out the combination to my diary to see all of them. I did add my pic of Will Ferrell to this blog…just in case you thought I made this whole thing up.

p.s. Shots out to Andy Samberg: The Bay Area’s Finest. I wanted to scream that at him but public humiliation is my biggest fear, so instead I just led the paps in a congratulations clap for him.

p.p.s. The puppet master behind Triumph the Insult Dog (that dog from Conan w/ the cigar) hit the photo tent with a black sheet over his head so they could snap pics of the damn puppet dog! Wtf? When he got off the photo stage, I said “that was very weird and dumb,” and yes he was standing RIGHT next to me. Nice. “Um, no…I didn’t mean…it was just a little weird for me that’s all. Sorry.” That’s how I recovered, but I think he gave me the stink eye before walking away. Whatever dude.