Hey Balloon Boy: Stop Ruining My Life!!!!

So much like the rest of this troubled world, the other day I was watching a little television when a story captured my interest: a little boy climbs into a balloon and is flying over Colorado. My first thought? Wtf? What time does Maury Povich come on?! My second thought: oh no!….wait why the hell is he in that balloon?

Like the rest of you chumps I was glued to the tv, facebook and twitter making up all kinds of jokes to mask the pain I thought I’d feel once it was revealed that this kid had died. Then it happened, that little dude wasn’t even in the damn balloon, he was in the attic. Come again? You mean to tell me, you interrupted my regularly scheduled programming for this mess and he’s not even in there? To add insult to injury his ass was just playing into his weird parents’ stupid hoax? I mean enough is enough people! At what point is it ok for stuff like this to go down for fame?….why would the Heene’s think they’d get a reality show out of this? I blame society, Jesus, and John & Kate Plus 8. Yeah I said it! These lazy losers who parade their poor brood of sextuplets and twins all up and through my television screen make American’s want to do whatever it takes to get on TV. I mean honestly if you could get paid for yelling at your children while you cook them food, wouldn’t you take it? I know I would and I don’t even have any children. Ok…back to my point: now that we know that balloon boy was lying, can we please cut back on the news stories about him? No more interviews, with the dad’s old neighbor, best friend, or the family’s pet dog. Stop milking this story dry and just stick to the facts when the facts are revealed. I thank you for your time. Good day to you all.

(You knew it was coming) There’s even a Balloon Boy game!

heyzap.com - embed games

I Can See ‘The Hills’ From ‘The City’

So since every time I say something to somebody they always find a way to throw “we’re in a recession” into the conversation I’ve decided to do another two-for-one blog post, recession style! This week my prey is The Hills vs. The City. Now when The Hills first started I was all for the coming of age story about some rich white chick moving from one rich town in Southern California to another rich town in Southern California. When Lauryn jumped into her CLK Benz, looking all poor (b/c where they come from buying a CLK is pretty much like driving a Subaru…its gross) yet wide-eyed and bushy tailed somehow I related. Then I looked in the mirror and remembered that I can’t relate to her at all. But I digress. Anywho, long story long, LC is no longer on the show and now this little chick named Kristin is taking her spot. And guess what people? I’m not that interested. I mean here we go again with the fake “tell it like it is” mantra. Enough. Starting fights with random little rich girls with “plumped up” lips (this means you Stephanie Pratt) and money to wipe their asses with does not a bad ass make. Oh and let’s not forget the super staged “encounters.” You expect me to believe this madness? Well I don’t! Why you may say? Well besides the fact that I have eyes so I can see what’s going on here, I totally saw these fake enemies on The Hills all chummy on the red carpet at more than one MTV event. Which means that everybody is just another member of the cast so big whoop. This season couldn’t be more stupid and a bigger waste of my intelligence and from MTV? I’ve been loyal to you….I expect more from you!





The City:

Now here’s how this Tuesday night lineup is redeeming itself. Since this show is only in its second season it’s still a little non-scripted (or not so obviously scripted). Kelly still needs to take a shower, Whitney needs to get a clue, and Olivia is a wonderfully vicious bitch. I mean seriously, she is pretty much all that is wrong with the world: classist, egregious, snobby, and just plane gross. This is what living in New York will do to you if you’re not careful. Living on that 13-mile strip known as Manhattan will have you believing that you run the fucking world b/c the area is so small why wouldn’t you think that? It’s no wonder that half of the people that were actually born and raised in Manhattan are certified douche bags. Which is why I don’t live there anymore. But again, I digress. Anyway, even though I hate Olivia I love her for being so terrible. Secretly she wants me to keep watching so she attempts to lay the smackhand down on her co-worker over at Elle Magazine. Perhaps she mistook her for her maid or her nanny & decided to make her feel small. Which is an awesome thing to do on your first week on the job. If you’re listening reality gods, please make her get fired. I promise to act surprised. Scout’s honor!

House Husbands of Hollywood?… Don’t Mind If I do!

Over the weekend I was stuck doing some serious laundry and just like all great love stories, I stumbled upon a show called ‘House Husbands of Hollywood’ and haven’t been the same since. This yummy show is about five guys who are stay-at-home dads but still lay the smackhand down on their wives! How u luv that?!

Now from what I can remember here are the characters: Grant the husband of LA anchor lady Jillian Barberie. He’s G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S with a hint of ocd, which to means he’s like my perfect man. Love it! Then there’s Danny, the weird little actor dude who is insecure b/c his wife supports him but not enough to get a waiter job while he goes on auditions like the rest of the world. Bill is the former baseball player who is super duper Mr. Mom which is fab, but has a strange addiction to making twice baked potatoes.

Then there’s Charlie who is married to some chick who refuses to be seen on camera (go figure). Charlie is straight outta’ Brooklyn and has a one-year-old son, even though he’s 50 (not that that’s old but…). He’s best friends with Ryan O’Neal, which clearly shows that he loves drugs! Just kidding. He even named his kid after Ryan. Oh wait what am I forgetting about Charlie?….oh yeah he went to prison for robbing a bank! Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Now in his defense it was like 30 years ago and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, but he’s scared to tell his wife’s parents that he’s a total jailbird. Luckily for him being in jail isn’t as bad as being on reality tv so chances are they already look at him sideways so there’s really nowhere to go but up.

Lastly is Darryl. He’s the guy from ‘A Different World,’ that played Ron. He’s totally shacking up with Tempest Bledsoe—aka Vanessa from ‘The Cosby Show.’ Now who knew that?! Not me. What’s even better is that Tempest is “working” everyday, while Darryl is on house husband status. Although it’s a little confusing because most of his scenes are with Tempest so maybe they’re “working” together. Ironically Darryl used to be super rich because his dad left him a $14 million fortune from his chocolate company. Guess what Darryl did? He blew it all…put the company in the gutter, got sued, then….got on this reality show? I notice that he’s always trying to get Tempest to stop being so “tight” with her money, which only makes sense because he clearly knows how to manage money. It aint easy blowing $14 million dollars so quickly. I mean that’s talent!

This show is addictive people. Not so much for the “drama” but just because I like seeing a man do all the “house work” then boss his wife around when she gets home from work. I mean hell we ladies do that. If you’re not watching it, take a lazy Sunday and catch up on the episodes….or I’mma come to ur house rub baby powder on my pimp hand then slap u silly.

I’m Sorry Grey’s Anatomy, But You Just Lost Me

So I know I’m going to get a lot of flack for this, but I think I’m pretty much over Grey’s Anatomy. Now wait, before you start picking up your torches to chase me out of town, just let me finish! Geez! I’m all for the outside storylines as usual, but the inside stuff, with Izzy and her cancer and George and his death, like seriously I can’t be apart of all that. And here’s why, unfortunately since I have far too much time on my hands I spend my days watching every entertainment show known to man. Which means that I knew that George was going to die months ago because I knew that they guy who plays him (T.R. Knight) left the show b/c he too was over it. So by the time I have emotionally let go of him, when I see this season premiere episode I want to laugh b/c I just can’t separate fact from fiction. Yes it was touching when his ex-wife totally couldn’t take it in the operating room and the chief and that mean little black lady all ran in and everybody was holding back tears. Great. Awesome. I’m all in. But then it got a little awkward. So as they’re standing there looking at George’s beef jerky stricken face, and they’re arguing the chief breaks in with “George O’Malley jumped in front of a bus to save a life!” LMAO!!! Blink* Blink* Blink*. WTF? Hahahaha. That’s pretty hilarious. No? I mean really writers of Grey’s Anatomy that’s the best you can do? So cheesy. So silly. So soap opera. Meanwhile over in cancer land, yes it was sad when Izzy was all “Call me back George I totally need you, I have cancer and I’m sad.” Then of course they had to tell her that fool was dead. Boo hoo. I’m sorry people but I could only keep it together for an hour, after that I was over it. This is what happens when actors start becoming real people with real lives and I know all their real life business, by the time I watch their show the storyline is old news. So how’s about they do me a favor and NOT live real lives so that I can believe that they actually work in Seattle Grace Hospital having sex with each other, spreading around STDs, fighting, cheating, and saving the world, one amputated Australian chick at a time.

Now Private Practice? Now THAT’s a show! If you’re sleeping on it, wake up!

Does Jay Leno Not Realize He’s Doing The Same Show?

Now I tried to get behind this idea of Jay Leno doing the same show he’s been doing for like 17 years but under a different name---ok scratch that. I can’t lie to you! I never got behind the idea. But when I watched a clip of the show I was left feeling the same way I felt when he left The Tonight Show: do you think I’m stupid NBC? You must, and again, I’m not. What the hell is the meaning of this madness? And where on Earth is the table? I can’t take my Jay straight up like that, legs open and kicking back. I need barriers. I need a big large desk and a tv that comes from the basement and rises to show clips of films and what not. What’s this no table business? Is this coffee talk? Like no that’s a little too intimate for my taste mister. But again, what is the meaning of this show again? Why didn’t they just keep his ass on ‘The Tonight Show?’

I realize that NBC is trying to pull the wool over my eyes by trying to lure me in with an amazing line-up of guests (that included some dude named Kanye West) only to make me wanna kill myself by week two. I’m on to you! And guess what?…it ain’t gonna work. Now don’t get me wrong I love me some Jay Leno, but I love Dave Letterman more. And seeing as how Jay refuses to fire that Kevin bafoon of bandleader in his employ, I have to let you go. Seriously I’ve had enough! Do yourself a favor Jay Leno and stop being a control freak, retire from late night and take a little time to enjoy The View. Just watch out for Sherri Shepherd’s comments, she’s so dumb you might find yourself screaming “bloody murder!!!” at the TV like I do.

Road To The VMAs: The Latifah Edition (The Final Curtain Call)

I came, I saw, I got played. So when I embarked on my trek from the Bronx to Manhattan to arrive at the VMA awards I had a feeling I was in store for some mess. Of course no one could’ve known how true that statement ended up being. Like the rest of the media, I got my credentials, sat in a cold ass “holding” room and drunk some free bottled water. As we waited for hours until we were escorted to the red carpet I immediately realized two things: 1) my new favorite shoes failed me miserably (which I DID NOT see coming btw. It’s a platform heal. Perfect support!). 2) MTV was trying to fuck me by placing me (representing AOL) at the END of the carpet across from the fat single ladies dancer guy from You Tube…who got way more interviews than I did. By the time the confused celebs made it my way they were all “I have to go.” Or “Satan is calling leave me alone peasant!” what is THAT about? Geez man!

On the flip, I made some new “friends” saw some of my old friends who still live in NYC, got to see Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Diddy, and pretty much everybody (no Beyonce though, she was too good for my side of the carpet and honestly I don’t blame her). I also saw Kayne West (pre-Taylor incident) stumbling down the carpet all up on Amber Rose’s ass. If I knew then what I know now, I woulda jumped on the carpet and restrained his drunk ass!!!

The whole event was pretty cool yes, but by the time the show started my feet were bleeding as I was huddled on the street with the MTV crew watching the show from a 9 inch monitor. Um, excuse me, I’m AOL! Where is the press room and the sandwiches? I was told there would be sandwiches! Apparently, MTV staff and Radio City Music Hall Staff weren’t so interested in my words as they shunned me and blocked my entrance at just about every door you can imagine. Defeated I followed my friend to her office at BET to watch the rest of the show. As I was leaving who did I see but Taylor Swift getting the ultimate revenge on that asshole Kanye West by pulling off a FLAWLESS performance on the subway and the city streets. Fresh! What’s funny is I didn’t know what was going and me and my friend were pondering taking the Subway but couldn’t understand why it was closed…um yeah b/c Taylor Swift was performing on it! Hahaha. Good times.

As stories of West dominated and overshadowed what I feel should’ve been at the forefront: Mikey J’s life, death and Janet’s awesome tribute, I wondered just what the hell is wrong with that dude. Then I got tired of thinking about it and went home instead. Oddly enough about 7 cabs stopped to pick me up and I wasn’t even hailing a damn cab! Must’ve been the dress. Or who knows…the whole time I lived in NYC I never got so many cabs to easily. Drama.

Road To The MTV Awards: The Latifah Edition (Part 1)

7:00a.m.- woke up got ready to roll out, thru in one extra pair of shoes at the last minute.
7:53 a.m.- almost had a heart attack because I wasn’t sure if I told Bre to pick me up!
8:05 a.m.- got to the airport

9:00 a.m.- got shut down for being Muslim, missed my flight.

1:02 p.m.- Not sure of the time zone I’m in…been getting stiffed by the man since I made it to the airport. Was racially profiled in this post 9/11 world & have been in a negative mood since 9 a.m. the airline totally tried to stiff me out of $6 to watch Direct TV. Wow, really? But you give me a free meal? Jedi mind tricks for sure. Got a burger, salad and a Twix on the plane (how did they know that I LIVE for a twix candy bar? They must’ve read my diary.) I offered the burger to the burly guy next to me but since I’m wearing my neck scarf on my head like a traditional Muslim Hijab, he became VERY nervous, started stuttering and refused my burger! Lol. The lady on the other side of me was nice tho…seemed unfazed by my headgear, so I offered her my burger. “I don’t eat meat kind lady, would you like my burger?” to which she replied, “You might be fine, I don’t think this is real meat anyway!” Hahaha. You’re funny miss lady. I should’ve expected her witty repertoire, she was using the electronic book invention known as the Kindle, which screams ultra-sophisticado! Muy Bien!

Hmmm…the big burly dude offered me his Twix…I think he’s feeling guilty. No thank you sir! Keep your chocolate caramel cookie crumb goodness. Nice try! After the stewardess accidentally spilled my salad back on me when I was handing it to her to throw away, I was sure Jesus was attempting to assassinate my character again!…maybe it was just an accident. Anyway, on to Texas…then NYC. Let’s Go!

5:00 p.m.-At George W. Bush Airport. The name makes me wanna puke…for obvious reasons. Realizing I’ve been played by the man yet again, paid $7 for internet access only to find that it has been firewalled @ this NEW airport! Son of a bean-stock. This sucks

The View Is Back & Whoopi Goldberg Is Still Laying The Smack Down!!!!

Happy “Tuesday talk show premier day” kiddies! How excited are you that the fall line-up is finally upon us? So no…. You’re not very excited and I need to get a life? Fine. Meanwhile, let’s gab! Today is a two for one deal (recession style!) and we’ll start with The View. Season 13 and its just as crazy, forgetful and ridiculous as ever! All the usual suspects aligned (minus Hasselbeck) for a small set change for the new season. Everyone entered the room all excited and happy….except the love of my life Miss Whoopi Golderg. Decked in her traditional garb, Miss Goldberg sat down with a shrug written all over her face, rolled up her sleeves and got to laying the smack down on each chick around that table. “Whoopi, can I just say something real quick?” Barbara asked like a scared little puppy. “I’m trying to get my thought out but nobody is letting me finish…but go ahead Barabara.” Pow!!!!

Scene two: “Well Whoopi you know just speaking as a woman who has been in the same situation…” Sherri starts…”Ok but Sherri shut ur pie whole!” Wham!!! Ok, so maybe that last part was in my dreams last night, but it was pretty close to reality. What I am noticing is that everything on this show is like a visit to my grandma’s house---a lot of accusations, arguing, and then a feel good ending. Is it because they’re old and Sherri is unqualified (and needs to go to counseling to S-T-O-P talking about her stupid ex-husband)? Or is it because they’re women and women tend to talk a whole lotta nothing that gets jumbled and loud? I guess the latter. Either way I love it so lets eat it up. Can’t wait for all the guest hosts and maybe I’m the only person under 40 that watches this show, but I’m not interested in being judged so fall back haters! That’s an order!








Tyra Banks showing her real hair = fine with me. Like every black woman that has ever, or currently has, a weave or a wig we’re always worried about people thinking we’re bald (yes I said “we”) so that’s really what this show was about. Not so much about America loving themselves (that takes 2nd place to Tyra loving herself) but about this chick feeling some type of way b/c she doesn’t want people to think she’s bald. Hell Whitney Houston even did it in an interview (post Bobby divorce…during the crack years) where she said “I do have hair. My hair is down to here,” pointing at her arm. Um yeah no, if that doesn’t sound like a conversation had by every black girl on the playground who for whatever reason had to defend their “real hair” then I don’t know what does! But I’m fine with it. Tyra Banks, your hair is amazing. Your body is amazing. Your eyes are really pretty and I love that you love yourself so much that you constantly dedicate shows to that self-love b/c somewhere along the way you help out the little girl who don’t love themselves. So just like when u showed ur saggy boob on tv to prove to whoever that ur breast are real….I’m behind you 100%. Hair? Real. Boobs? Real. Eye color? Real. I get it you’re an amazing example of perfection at its finest & guest what? I’m on board!!!

Kick Rocks Kathy Griffin, Come On In Rachel Zoe!!!

So I’ve been waiting for this moment since the dysfunctional show known as ‘The Rachel Zoe Project' sashayed itself into my life in the year of our lord, 2008. The over the top phrases: i.e. “I’d Die!” “Killed It” “Shut it down,” and “Buh-nanas” are so sweet I need to see my dentist. Thank you for this new addition to my Monday night tv line-up. I appreciate it!

Now, ever since Nicole Richie blogged about Miss Zoe turning her into a skeleton, my Zoe-meter had been pretty low. But when she came back with said reality show/project on none other than the train wreck of all train wreck networks (known to mere mortals as Bravo!) I couldn’t help but get on board. And true to form Season 2 is shaping up to be just as low impact as its predecessor. The main characters are of course Zoe, her hubby with the weird hair, Brad + his bow ties and Taylor + her Ray-Ban sunglasses.

What’s so awesome is that Taylor doesn’t want to be there, Brad loves himself too much, and Zoe has died about 100 million times since the show started. Which leads me to believe that she is either a cat (with a shit-load of lives) or she sold her soul to the devil in exchange for immortality. Either way, I’m on board. All the crazy amazing dresses burned into my crappy yet surprisingly photographic memory now have a back-story behind them, thanks to this show. At the end of the day, I love that she’s so passionate about clothes so I respect her hustle, her shoes & most importantly her bags. Keep it coming Rachel Zoe! Keep it coming!

Hey You! Yeah You ‘District 9’ Yeah, No You’re Racist

So check this out youngins….the other night after gorging on a healthy helping of Thai food my surrogate older brother and I took in a movie by the name of District 9. Now like many movie buffs/nerds I knew all about this film, read the reviews, and was secretly geeked to see it. So when my surrogate brother, whom we’ll call “Corey,” asked me to go with him I was all in. As we walked through the doors looking like two people that escaped from some circus freak show (seeing as how I’m 4’11” and he’s just a few inches shy of being twice my size), we strapped in to enjoy what would turn out to be a very racist ride.

So let me get this straight: these “aliens” arrived in this country called South Africa…on this thing called a “ship” (a mothership that is), and were put in a weird concentration camp that turned into somewhat of a “slum” or “ghetto” if you will, due to overcrowding. 20 years later, said “aliens” are roaming all up and thru separated from the white people in South Africa, but allowed to live around and hang with black South Africans, who are also poor and live in the “slum/ shanty-town/ township.” What’s even better is said aliens speak some weird alien language (of course) but understand English and do things like buy and sell weapons, listen to South African RAP MUSIC (no your eyes are not deceiving you) and engage in inter-species sex w/ the other poor human South Africans. Wow! What a life! But it’s not all fun and games people, the aliens don’t actually want to live in South Africa anymore, b/c really they didn’t want to come in the first place. I assume that their mothership ran outta gas and finding a station turned out to be a bitch, so they just kicked back instead. But oh wait, the South African government, run by mostly white people and some “acceptable” blacks, have decided that they have had enough of these aliens that they’ve put in South Africa’s version of "the projects." So they go door-to-door evicting aliens. Yes that’s what I said. Serving aliens with eviction notices, so that they can move them to other government funded housing (aka a concentration camp). What’s even sweeter is that the government also gives these poor aliens food, yes government issued canned food. What kind? Oh, well cat food of course. Awesome! Awesome indeed. Now up until this point, though I noticed the racial parallels to what I believe is a lazy version of classism inspired by apartheid (look it up if you don’t understand), I started thinking maybe I’m crazy. Maybe growing up in a cult has got my mind all thrown. And then it happened, as if Jesus himself was whispering in my ear, something so amazing took place that I almost jumped out of my seat and walked out of that damn theater. The white head of the government agency that is supposed to evict all of the aliens got a little peeved with one alien who was NOT tryna bounce up outta his spot, or sign his name on the eviction notice (which I imagine is hard to do when u have tentacles for freakin hands! I mean really!). So “The Man,” says to the alien: “A check this out, if you don’t sign your name right here, I’m gonna’ take your son down to child protective services.” Oh snap! Child protective services for aliens? Amazing. “See, that’s your name here,” The Man continues. “See, Christopher Johnson. Right there, that’s your name. That’s you.” *Blink. *Blink. *Blink. Wait what?!!!! Wait I thought this was Africa, why the hell is this alien named Christopher Johnson? Now don’t get it twisted I am aware that all Africans do not have American or European names, but my point is “Christopher Johhson!” “Christopher Johnson!” His name might as well been “Leon Jenkins” since we’re just being careless with it. I’m sure he didn’t have that name when he came off the mothership & moved into the shanty-town, so I will assume that The Man gave him that name. Now correct me if I’m wrong but this story sounds eerily familiar. Government issued housing that’s over-crowded and littered with criminals, prostitution and drugs. Not to mention the government issued food. Wow. Now I know what you’re thinking: it’s just a movie and they’re aliens. They’re not meant to be people----black people at that, it’s Africa for goodness sakes. There are black people everywhere. To that I say open up your mind Uncle Tom. Yeah I said it! If District 9 doesn’t parallel the socio-economic and racial divide in South Africa today than I don’t know what does. Essentially, from what my little sister told me on her recent trek to the motherland, there are three very obvious levels of classes in South Africa. There’s the hierarchy of people who tend to live in the nice areas of the countries near the most fab hotels and things of that nature. Then there are the middle people, some black (often of a lighter complexion) and/or mixed (with Dutch and South African), and then there are the “natives.” Those whom hold a darker complexion (more often than not) and live in some of the worst conditions that us spoiled Americans will never understand. These are the smiling faces of children kicking cans around their tin houses without a care in the world. These are our people that don’t make it to commercials to donate a $1 because they may not necessarily suffer form famine or disease. But they definitely exist, even if far removed from our reality they are there. My former boss and I had a conversation about his time in South Africa with Mr. Nelson Mandela. Now, my former boss is without a doubt the richest person that I know, he’s probably richer than a lot of rappers (just an example to parallel it to the idiots) and he told me that the conditions in the ghettos of South Africa were some of the most horrible things that his eyes have ever seen. And this, mind you, is a man that did not grow up rich, was to be the first in his family to graduate from high school, never attended college but knocked down the doors of meetings he was not expected to attend. He has sat at tables with heads of states, actors, musicians, politicians, and presidents, yet it was his trip to South Africa (and his friendship w/ Mr. Mandela) that changed his life. The point of this story is if you dare to see this movie, which I will say is pretty funny/sad/heart-wrenching aside from the racial overtones, you will be entertained. But just because you may laugh, or ogle at the amazing violence, don’t close your mind completely to the obvious parameters. Opening your mind does not mean ur a conspiracy theorist or getting “too deep.” It means that you are a critical thinker. And that my friend, is a trait to be admired.

Hello Dimples!

The only man with more famous dimples than AC Slater is back bitches!!…and still looking as good as the day we met (in my dreams that is). Now of course I was skeptical about this ‘My Antonio’ situation because everybody knows that finding love on the camera = you hate yourself and want to get an STD. But this, my friends, is lovely! First off they’re in Hawaii, so honestly I would’ve applied just for the free trip. Yet when we get down to the nitty gritty, I’m realizing that this Sabato Jr. heartthrob of a man is super sensitive and all about that crazy little thing called love. Instead of drowning is his dimples, I will note that any person who wants to be on TV with chicks that he will narrow down and end up “loving,” is shallow. Already, my standout character is some chick whose name I do not know. What I do know is that she’s blonde, has a baby face (despite being almost 30) cries a lot and is a mixed bag of crazy! Keep up the good work lady!

Now let me take a moment to talk about the real breakout star: Sabato Jr’s mommy. Lol, I love her. She strolled her way up to that Hawaiin paradise wearing the most amazing oversized black hat from the Sophia Loren/ Raquel Welch collection, and stole the damn show. Let me tell you this ladies and gents: aside from my own mom, if I could chose a different kind of mother I’d be torn between an Italian mom and a Greek mom. They’re both very blunt and scare just about everyone that they come in contact with. Sabato Jr’s mom was no exception—which is good quality to have in a reality tv show star. Those little bitches were so scared I’m surprised they didn’t piss their pants. I mean can you imagine having to meet a guy’s mom on day one? (I can of course, because parents love me….I think it’s because I’m small adorable and all around amazing). Mama Sabato Jr. just sat there gave them looks that could kill, and managed to talk shit in two languages! Good work Sabato Jr. and Mama Sabato Jr. I’m hooked! See you next week!

Terrell Owens: Wide Receiving His Way Into My Heart One Episode At A Time

Good evening. How’s everybody doing tonight? I’d like to kick this post off by telling ya’ll a little story. One day, I was driving down La Cienega on my way to the Urth Caffé in West Hollywood (yes the same one that’s always on Entourage! How cool!), and I stopped at a light. In the midst of changing the song on my iPOD, I looked to my left to see a picture of a butt ass naked Terrell Owens crouched over on one knee promoting his reality show. First, I almost crashed. Then I started slinging derogatory slurs at the picture because I hate T.O. ever since his cocky ass San Francisco 49er days of my youth. So, when I tuned in to the first episode of this alleged show, I immediately made my judgments. T.O. = douche bag with an amazing body. His “publicist” Mo = good friend always looking out for her big homie. The other “publicist” chick = totally in love with T.O. and either wants him to hit it or mad that he hit it and quit it. Textbook case.

After getting over the first episode filled with eye candy for the male sweet tooth plus one very unprofessional Asian “realtor” who slept with her “client” one day after meeting him. Hmm….sounds like a call girl to me….but it is what it is. I almost wrote the show off but if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: I have no standards when it comes to reality tv.

This week’s episode was especially mushy when T.O. went to his hometown and visited his grandma who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. As he sat with her, tears streaming down that dark chocolate face, I could see in his grandmother’s eyes that she was still “in there” even though she wasn’t responding. Then as if reading my thoughts, she spoke! Snap! Blink* Blink* Blink* Does that mean I’m psychic? I’m gonna’ go with yes. Either way, that scene was so touching I almost dropped a tear, but I ain’t no bitch so I sucked it up kept it pimpin and took a sip of my gin and juice. But here’s the point: T.O. is a douche that is for sure, but like every crafty bastard with a reality show he has found his way into my life before football season even starts and making me love him for the first time…all over again. Nice try T.O. but I’m on to you! I will not fall victim to these heart-wrenching episodes in which you tap dance dangerously close to my heart! But you are a dedicated competitor in the fight for my emotions, and for that I say good job to your sir. Good job indeed.

Real Housewives of ATL Shawty!!!

Do you remember that feeling of waking up on Christmas morning after little sleep because the anticipation was killing you?…So you ran up to that tree an prayed to big baby Jesus that Santa Claus didn’t stiff you again on some bullshit ass gifts? Well, I don’t because I’m a half-ass Muslim, but I imagine that watching Bravo’s premiere of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is the same feeling. All day I paced myself, drinking alcohol, writing up some news, texting the boo, all to kill time until my world was rocked and my brain cells were murdered by that one hour show. And what do you go and do Bravo? You plant a fight between Sheree and some queen (who claims that he’s not gay) plus throw the shiniest Barbie Doll wig that they make and put it all up and through Kim’s head. I mean really Housewives? What are you doing to me man? What are you doing?

NeNe’s Peter Pan wig that rides up in the back? Check. Lisa pretending that she only has one child when she really has three? Check. Kim looking like a retarded beauty school drop-out? Check. Sheree getting’ the boot up outta her spot for being mean, stupid and broke? Check. Check. Check! Snap! This shit is amazing! I mean how is it that I am drawn to this show like a moth to a flame?…Like a ghetto rat to some cheese. I mean I just can’t get enough and guess what? I like it! I don’t even care that this show goes against everything that is right with the world. I don’t care that as soon as the words: “Did you watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta?” escapes my perfect little lips, I get dumber. Guess what people? Judge me if you will, but I like it. Better yet, I love it. And if heaven exists I hope that there is a TV up there where they run all of my favorite shows on an endless loop. And if I’m super lucky, and God is a merciful God (which I have been told that he is), he will make sure that that damn show is all up and through my TiVo, that Kim and NeNe never stop fighting, that Sheree continues to look like an Ice Queen with really nice hair. Oh, and that Kandi’s 6-year-old daughter/best friend remains amazingly grown as she lets her mom know (in not so uncertain terms) that she does NOT want her to marry dude with 6 damn kids. Hahahaha! Good stuff you crazy bitches. Now keep it coming!


P.S. Dear TV One, I get that MJ (or Mikey J as I call him) is dead and its all sad and what not. We all miss him, but I’mma need you to STOP running the same damn tribute performance from 2001 with Usher draped in a loincloth looking like Boo Boo Da Fool. Thanks. ‘Preciate it!

10 Signs You Need To Get Your Shit Together

Many of you may know that I desperately need to get my shit together (in more ways than one). As a matter of fact, I qualify for a good percentage of these items…but I digress. *Sigh.* I decided to put together this comprehensive list for you mere mortals. My generosity knows no bounds…I know. Oh, and if you’re offended by this list that means you definitely need to get your shit together.


10. Your life revolves around television.

9. You always see the flaws in everybody else but never in yourself.

8. You spend more time on Twitter and Facebook than in the real world.

7. You use the word “swagger.”

6. You wear sunglasses in the club.

5. You’re broke.

4. You’re 25 or older and live with your moms.

3. You never finish what you start.

2. You’re more interested in buying a nice car than a house.

1. You’re still reading this list.

Kathy Griffin Does The Apollo….Son of A Bitch!!!

Ok so first, let me say where the F was I when Kathy Griffin performed at the Apollo? For those of you who don’t know, I used to live down the street but somehow I didn’t happen to see her name on the marquee. Now that could be because I try to avoid 125th street at ALL costs because I have no time for fools yelling disrespectful shiznit to me with every step I take. Yes, I’ve gotten “into it” with more than a few very disrespectful men of the blackness. So sad. But I digress. Anyway, so this funny lady named Kathy Griffin decided to perform at the Apollo and was introduced by her “friend” Reverend Al Sharpton (aka the dude with the perm). Um wtf? Is this the Twilight Zone, or are you just yanking my chain? The funniest part was Kathy getting kicked off for saying the p-word (figure out what that means children). That’s when Apollo has had enough?! “You’ve shamed the Apollo Theater” says some director dude (with bass in his voice so I’m guessing he was serious.) Yeah so she did kind of take it too far, but right outside of those doors people take it too far all day long. Case in point, one day walking towards the Apollo (I’m assuming to go shopping) some crackhead prostitute lady informed her “dealer” in not so uncertain terms that she wanted her money because she gave him a blow job. Now to a person like The Latifah who has lived in 90 cities across the country, there was no stop in my stroll. But for my little sister, who was with me at the time, she was kind of shocked. Does that shame the Apollo Theater and/or the legacy of Harlem? No, not so much huh? It doesn’t matter unless its inside your doors right? Hmm…well there was this one time when I was at the Apollo (for reasons I shall not disclose without a lawyer present), and things got a little crazy on the inside… fights broke out, David Banner yelled at me for stepping on his “$700 nikes” (which by the way I DID NOT DO DAVID BANNER. Damnit), fools were sucking down alcohol like it was going out of style, and I somehow ended up on stage. Yes, that’s what I just said. I walked on the stage at the Apollo Theater right passed the tree-stump thingy that I believe a young Michael Jackson (or as I like to call him Mikey J) rubbed before hitting the stage with those other dudes that look like him. Although I did not rub said tree-stump (germs. C’mon like you didn’t know!) It was still yet another random ass day in the life of The Latifah. So what’s the big deal Apollo? Kathy Griffin said a bad word, she didn’t know there were 50 children in the audience, I mean really. She’s a comedian so chances are she’s very sensitive so I doubt she did that on purpose. Either way, since I take joy in white people getting nervous around black people, I gotta’ tell you I laughed a little too hard. But I still love you Ms. Kathy Griffin, even if nobody else does.

BET hates black people….Wait, Is That My Kinfolk?

So yes, we know that BET (aka black entertainment television) hates black people. This is clear in all of their lazy programming…but I digress. When news of this ‘Tiny & Toya’ show hit the universe, I immediately threw up. 10 minutes later I sat down and had a conversation with Jehovah. He told me to calm down, don’t judge and start paying my cable bill on-time. After viewing the show, I’m convinced that these fools have got to be my kinfolk. To the average ear, not privy to the lazy tongue that is the southern drawl, subtitles are allegedly in order. Yet to me, I can understand them just fine. Although I will say that Toya is from New Orleans which is a totally different accent than Georgia, and Florida (where my family is from) so even though the sound of her voice is strange I can still understand her. And yes I went to, and graduated from, college….before you put the stamps on your hate mail, so fall back.

When I first saw the show I thought “Aw damn, BET really hates black people! It hurts when it comes from others, but from our own people? You cut me deep BET. You cut me deep.” Then I threw up again, then I pulled it back together. The show actually isn’t all that horrible. Yes they talk funny, seem a little ghetto (lol at “a little”) and have children and no marriages, but I mean…it be like that sometimes. For what its worth, Tiny is doing her own thing. She’s been in the music game for a minute and seems to have a very big and generous heart. She is also loyal and trustworthy which are the two qualities I like in people. I can’t be mad at that. Real talk.

Then there’s Toya. Lol. A whole other story. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she and I are the same age. I can tell in her immaturity and doe-eyed look that she is still very much a baby raising a baby and looking for guidance. Which is not a bad thing. If nothing else, she admits it. I would however like for her to understand that while the fact that she had a kid at like 14 and is now rolling in a Range, may be cool to her and others little girls in the south looking for love in all the wrong places, to the rest of us it’s craziness. No she can’t take her decisions back, and I’m sure she doesn’t regret them (her daughter is a q-t-pie) she needs to make sure that she mentions “Um having a kid at 14 is NOT cool.” Just for my little cousins living in Florida and maybe Georgia (gotta check with my mom on that) who routinely drop out of high school and have babies (true story). They need to know that linking with a rapper (before or after the stardom) does not a 5 year plan make. Either way though, I don’t have a problem with this stupid show because at this point I’m numb to BET’s idiosyncrasies. I mean at least the two chicks are showing family life. No? Not good enough? Ok. Well at least Tiny is showing how strong she is to deal with all of her family issues and still hold her head up. I admire that. Toya…um she’s….um…..she’s um….well she went and picked her mom up off the street and gave her a good talking to. No? Ok…um…..she….um…..I got nothing. Look the point is this: Tiny & Toya is classic BET exploitation of people living in the entertainment microcosm that is Atlanta. Does that make it right? No, but real talk if BET put a reality show together with black people who were not hella country we’d still have shit to say (Harlem Heights? Lol, were they kidding with that shit? No seriously, was Ashton Kutcher waiting in the wings to jump outta my TV and say “You’ve just been punked!”) The problem with this alleged black network (owned by white people no less) is that they try and copy every concept already on TV and just throw a black cast in the mix. They’re kind of like Bravo…just with more black people besides the Real Housewives of Atlanta. BET sucks and always will but we’re the one’s who dictate what they will put on because we’re the ones who do and don’t watch ( I hang around a lot of white and other non-black people they’re not watching BET as much as you think. Trust. )So who are you really mad at? You? Them?…or Jesus? (Here’s a hint, the answer is NOT Jesus. How could you stay mad at a face like that?!)

We Get It Tory Spelling, You’re Really Really Busy

For a couple of years now I have been hiding this dirty little secret from family, friends, and the homeless dude at the intersection who routinely asks me for change when he sees me dancing in my car. But since I feel that this is a safe environment I shall face my fear: I watch Tori Spelling’s reality show. Whew! Wow, it really feels great to get that off my chest. If you’re judging me stop,….or your mom gets it! Moving right along….there is something that annoys me about the show. Besides the fact that her hubby is kind of a freeloader (ouch, that was mean. I know), she’s always complaining. “Babe I won’t see you for two whole days?” [Insert alien tears.] “So I just got a job on this random show that nobody watches but the bad thing is I won’t have one day to spend with my children.” [Insert alien tears.] “Being a mom is the most important thing ever, it has totally made me a better person to all of humanity…” cut to Tori talking a whole bunch of public ish about how she hates her mom but that its not her fault. So here’s a thought Spelling, yes your mom is crazy I can see it in her face, but the way I was raised we keep family business at home. We don’t put it in a book or on a reality show, even if the other person is doing it. That’s family business you hear me lady?

*Ahem * Ahem where was I? Oh yes, enough with the complaining. It’s so hard being a mom and having a job and working on ‘Smallville’ and ‘90210 Part deux’ w/ a nanny (who very suspiciously never seems to get a break. I’m sure that’s just editing though. I refuse to believe that T. Spelling is a slave master. She wouldn’t do that.). I mean really Tori. I mean really. How’s this for a slap in the face, single moms do the shit that you cry about all damn day long. Furthermore they do it without a big ass camera crew all up in their shit so they can complain. Oh and I’ve been on a television set or two in my day (don’t ask questions, just mind your business) yes there are long hours and yes there is a lot of waiting but guess what, unless you want to trade places with a mom in the real world; or maybe the person on the set that puts it together; or a mom that works as a waitress, I suggest you count your blessings and then shut your pie hole. And in that order please. I have OCD so it must be done in order.

That said, her little son is as adorable as me the day that I was born. The little girl too. Keep up the good work, and make your husband get a real job. Toodles!

Three Days of Life Changing Experiences

I am taking the time to write about this, because these three days have been the most life changing sequence for me thus far. As you may know I have been a writer long before I knew how to walk straight, talk straight, or even think straight. It has always been my passion and calling, one that I am so blessed to have turned into a career---albeit sometimes fledgling but a career nonetheless.

Thursday June 25, 2009

I awoke to the news of Farrah Fawcett’s death. I was not surprised but still heartbroken for a woman that had lost her battle to a disease that she wanted nothing more than to beat. Later that day, I arrived on a television set to interview one of my favorite new artists. 30-minutes later I received news of Michael Jackson being rushed to the hospital. I immediately pulled out my cell phone and Googled the information, only to find that as the details unfolded things did not look promising for the King of Pop.

The next hour was a blur. A piece of my heart dropped because I knew that God had unselfishly taken him home; null of the confirmation that some needed to believe the news. I left the set, went home, reflected and sat stunned in disbelief all the while holding an ounce of hope that maybe this was a horrible, horrible dream.

Friday June 26, 2009

I awoke at 6 a.m. to get a newspaper to chronicle a memory that I would not soon forget. By the end of the day I was attending/covering the ASCAP awards which honored the accomplishments of the legendary Smokey Robinson and the incomparable Alicia Keys. As I stood in a moment riddled with grief, I looked up to catch Smokey briskly walking by me, and a slue of other journalists. As we made our way inside the room in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, I took my place at my seat to watch a tribute to Michael Jackson. The president of ASCAP took the stage to talk about Michael’s amazing presence and everlasting talent. Near the show’s end Motown Records founder Berry Gordy said a few words about Michael and his friend Smokey. That moment will be forever etched in a memory that sometimes seems to be fading too soon. I sat at my table fighting back tears as I reflected on being close enough to breathe the same air as the legend that is Smokey Robinson. To me this moment was more than exciting, it was full circle. As a child, I’d dream of being a writer. I would scan daily newspapers looking for (and finding) typos before joyously taking my findings to my mother. “Mommy! They made a mistake here!” I didn’t know it then, but I was beginning my job as an editor!

In high school my mother bought me a record player. Although we had many records in the house (that I would later take from my parents to add to my own collection), I never had my own. The first record I purchased was ‘Talking Book’ by Stevie Wonder. Then I heard a song, one that I had heard several times yet seemingly for the first time: ‘Ain’t Too Proud To Beg’ by the Temptations. I built my music arsenal of famous Motown artists and other music legends. At 18, I nourished what I thought then was a broken heart (it was only cracked!) to Billie Holiday’s ‘You’ve Changed,’ cleaned my house to a melody of Supremes’ songs, and kicked back to Duke Ellington’s ‘New Mood Indigo.’ Among my collection was Smokey Robinson and the Miracles anthology album for the song ‘You Really Got A Hold On Me.’ Smokey amazed me not only because of his singing but mostly because of his writing. Writers always love, respect, study and cherish other writers. Flash forward to this day and I am sitting here listening to him speak about his life as a songwriter. If there is one thing I know for sure it is that if you have a dream, should you be so courageous to follow it, no matter the obstacles, God will bless you more times over than you can imagine.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

BET Awards. The beaming sun did little to help my up-and-down mood. Yet through it all, I remained in the moment, humbled and grateful. I interviewed tons of musicians: ones from my personal music collection, ones from my childhood, and the ones holding my adoration. I witnessed the heartbreaking words of a grief stricken Janet Jackson plus the bizarre but mournful energy that Joe Jackson brought into the room as he came to speak to us.

I write about these experiences because they have been the most emotionally paralyzing sequential moments in my very short journalistic career. Have I always believed in my goals becoming a reality? Absolutely. Have I stuck by my dreams even when the hurricane like winds that life can bring worked to test my endurance? Undoubtedly. Yet more than anything I work to stress that if you believe in yourself and your abilities plus commit to that belief, God will more than meet you half way. He will exceed your wildest dreams.

The Latifah Sneaks Into The BET Awards!!!!

Now of course, I live an incredibly random life. I wake up to my computer, crank out news stories, interview people, and every once in a while attend a fab party (i.e. the Frankie B Jean 10th anniversary party I somehow got into the other night). This time around I made my way into the BET awards, on my own merit no less. Yes I work for “the man” so that helps, but don’t get it twisted, Latifah gets her own media access; the assignments aren’t just handed to me (well, most of the time).

Sunday I showed up at the BET Awards and after an hour of waiting in front of a door guarded by some big guy who could not be swayed by a smile and a candy bar, I finally made my way to the red carpet only to find that there was no place for me! Snap. How rude! Thinking on my feet I befriended other media people and worked my way between ABC News and MSNBC. Not bad….I guess. For the next two hours (I’m guessing, I don’t wear a watch) I interviewed some people and they mama (Shots out to Kid Cudi’s mom….we’ll be family soon? No? Too much “stalker” in my voice? Got it.). Cudi rolled through making my heart pitter patter…..Trey Songz looking so fresh and so clean, Mario kissing me & accidentally touching me in a weird place (the dress was a little open, don’t hate), Rich Ross bugging out in all white, Aresnioooooo Hall and his long finger, Gucci Mane laughing at me because I was getting irritated, Chamillionairre letting me hold his chain….blah blah blah. Wait do you notice that I didn’t interview any ladies? Yeah, well that’s because BET hated/ forgot about me, and put me at the beginning of the bad side of the carpet. Not bad because of the media people but bad because by the time celebs made it over to us they were done answering the same questions and rushed inside the building. I was happy to see Beyonce rush by like an angel in a sequenced mini-dress with incredibly high shoulder pads. Aaaah Miss Knowles-Carter you are something like a phenomenon.

One day I’m at the ASCAP awards calling Smokey Robinson’s name so he’ll give me an interview (I’m usually not that aggressive but when it’s Smokey you have to at least try. He didn’t give me interview though. I’m a failure. Sad face.) and the next I’m at the BET Awards. Not bad for The Latifah, not bad at all.

Anyway back to the topic….seeing as how I didn’t want to miss the show, me and my new best friend walked the red carpet and rolled to the “service entrance” of the Shrine Auditorium where we put on our Mission Impossible uniforms and carefully scooted under laser beams so as to not set off the alarm. Where did we end up? In the media room, eating up some nasty sandwiches. I was allowed to go to the bathroom where I ran into Alicia Keys (as I was coming out). I didn’t even realize it was her until it was too late. Random.

The Jacksons were there, Joe and Janet, plus Guy, New Edition, Keith Sweat….wait what year is this again? I’ll tell you this much: no matter what year it is groupies apparently never go out of style. Them hoes took over the BET awards like the swine flu. Cheers to you groupies, for your hard work, dedication, short dresses and high heels shoes. They don’t call it a blow “job” for nothing!

Hola At Ya Boy Bitch!!!…Take That You Crazy Housewife!!!

Ok so I have been waiting all season to hear Caroline say “Let me tell you something about my family, we are as thick as thieves.” The reality gods were truly looking down on me during the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale and I couldn’t be more thankful. Although it was definitely anti-climactic, just when I was ready to throw my TV out the window crazy ass Danielle pulled out that stupid book and got shit crackin’ every which way but the right way. Good work you tight-faced psycho loser. Love it! What’s even better is that she really thought that the party was for her. Um news flash bitch: fall back, nobody cares. Kill yourself. But then again, she’s all about the drama so what more do you expect? How awesome was it that Danielle refused to get into it with Caroline? “Look at me, because I told.” Snap! Hahaha you crazy lady…didn’t expect that did you? Furthermore you were all ready to get it poppin’ with Dina and you hit a huge roadblock then fell back like a botoxed puppy. Nice! Oh and what’s up with Danielle’s freakin’ daughters acting like they were about to “stand up” for their mom? Um no, you guys are children. Just because your mom pretends that you are her girlfriend does not mean you’re adults. It means your mom is a douche bag.

Well New Jersey, you did it again. You lived up to your reputation. Stank, classless and just plain stupid. Here this and hear this well: New Jersey is NOT---I repeat—NOT poppin.’ The only people that like New Jersey are people that live there. Furthermore they secretly love to spend all of their time in “the city” (aka New York) just to pretend that their yellow ass license plates are fly. Guess what, we took a poll and turns out they’re not. Jersey is the armpit of the tri-state area. But I will say this: seeing that it is only 10 miles from my former Harlem, New York digs, best believe I was crossing that bridge to wash my clothes, hit up Trader Joes, Target and PathMark all in one swing! Good times.


Oh, and Theresa who knew you were so strong. LMAO at you picking up a table for no good reason. Can’t wait for the reunion. No seriously. I can’t wait.

Patti Blagojevich You Seem Like A Very Nice Lady

Unfortunately for you though, I heard a videotape of your “curse-out-session” similar to what I imagine Tony Soprano would sound like if he ever caught me stealing his food. So yeah, watching you on ‘I’m A Celebrity…Somebody Kill Me (or “Get Me Out of Here” whatever), I can’t help but wonder if you are doing this merely to help your husband’s image. Why would I ask such a question of a seemingly caring mother who always wears her hair in ping-tails? (I’m not being sarcastic here, she does seem very very sweet.) Well for one it’s because I notice you always wear your hair in pig-tails like a sweet little girl—which is suspect. Also because if my husband is in fear of going to jail my first thought would not to be to go to the jungle. Why? Um you went when he couldn’t, which means he had the idea to go there in an attempt to save his image. You being the strong woman that you are, you took his place in an attempt to rid your mind of the public hell that you are going through. Now please understand me very clearly when I say this, I am a human being so contrary to what the world believes, I do have a heart. However, I can’t feel sympathy for a woman that married a man with crazy hair that tried to sell Obama’s senate seat only to get caught and pretend it never happened. Oh it happened. It’s politics baby. Politics and the mafia are kinfolk ‘case you ain’t know. Moving right along, then there’s the crying. Again I get that this is very hard on you, and I can see that you are the backbone of the family, but enough with the tears. Your husband is all smiles, and still manages to make one public appearance after another, and combs his hair all kinds of crazy so as not to confuse the locals. As a matter of fact I saw your hubby on the news appearing in a play at Chicago’s famed Second City Theater. The play was about him, and he came out at the end all “chorus line like” cheesing from here to high heaven. You on the other hand are crying next to John Salley about how you guys have no money. Now again, I am not saying that you deserve this, but I will say that if you drove a few extra miles from your Illinois suburb you might find a whole group of people who live check to check (or no check at all) on the daily. And guess what? They still manage to make it everyday. Wake up. Go to work. Go to school. Raise children. You name it. I’m also gonna’ go out on a limb and say that you wouldn’t dare walk those streets unless it was on the campaign trail with your husband. Since I’ve seen the conditions of parts of the Chi that look suspiciously close to every other city I’ve lived in where there are a lot of black people, you can kinda sorta blow it out your ass. But wait, I say that in the most respectful way possible, because my mom taught me to respect my elders. If nothing else you are merely guilty from suffering from “ride or die chick syndrome.” What is that? Its when you’re so down for you boo that he can do any and everything and you will stand by his side (think Eliot Spitzer boning a prostitute & his wife standing by his side after he got caught). It’s all the same. So I beg you Miss Patti, because again I truly believe that you are a nice person, don’t loan your soul to the devil so he’ll let you hold some paper; because when he comes to collect he could give a shit whether you or your husband are really innocent. I’m just saying.

We’re Gonna’ Have To Ice Skate Home…Hell Just Froze Over

Well, well, well what do we have here? Oh hello there MC Hammer, didn’t see you there. You know when I was a kid my mom used to take us to Milpitas, Ca to go shopping at the outlet malls. Along the way we’d pass MC Hammer’s sprawling mansion. True story. It sat in the middle of the hills, one-story and hella damn acres. I remember asking my mom “I wonder how they deliver the mail up there. I don’t see any other houses!” Yes that was dumb, but I was a kid so lay off me bitch. Ahem* Ahem* back to my point: now I look up and he’s invading my Sunday reality show line-up. Wtf? Why is it that the most boring people who go hella broke for blowing thru their money like a mountain of cocaine always wanna’ be having a damn reality show? Enough with this. Enough. Not you too Hammer. Of all people, I thought you were done with having people all up in your bees-knees after you filed for chapter 11; then released ‘Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story’ but I guess not. Clearly I was wrong. Very very wrong. Not that the show is all that bad. I mean if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 124,545 times: Black love is a beautiful thang. You and your wife are still together, you guys have hella kids and it’s all gravy. But at the end of the day, I gotta’ tell ya, I’m not really interested. Then it’s on A&E. My channel that is reserved for riveting docu-dramas like The First 48, Intervention, LA Ink and Dog the Bounty Hunter is now home to Hammer’s show? Gene Simmons was weird enough but I let it slide, this time I just can’t. So I’m pulling out my wicken spell book as we speak and will get down to the business of canceling this show. I’m sorry but I have too. It’s not you, it’s me.



p.s. Denise Richards: you’re next. Stop fronting like the world just can’t get enough of your former life with Carlos Irwin Estevez (aka Charlie Sheen). The only reason why we care is because you won’t let us forget it. Not to mention you have a reality show where you say: “OMG, I hope they don’t ask me about the divorce and about Charlie.” Um blink* blink * blink. You bring it up before everybody else. Let it go, he’s married with more kids. It’s over.

Don't Tase Me Bro!! Be Careful What You Wish For

Clearly you can get it too granny. An old lady dared a police officer to tase her and he called her bluff. The cop even said he'd do the same thing to his own mother if she stepped outta line. Class all the way.

Watching Sherri Shepherd on ‘The View’ Is Like Gauging My Eyes Out….

….it seems like a good idea at first but in the end it’s just too painful. Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, why the hell does this lady have a job?! She just might be the dumbest person on television. (Kudos to being black and being the dumbest person on television by the way. That looks great for us.) When I say dumb, I don’t mean figuratively, I mean literally. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if she has the mental capacity of an egg. Why is it that all you talk about is nonsense and Twitter? Even though Hasslebeck is all about liberal vs. conservative arguments, at least she’s informed about the damn news. Not this chick tho, the only topic that she can really speak about is being cheated on by her stupid ex-husband. I mean really, let it go. Please, I’m begging you. This is not your psychiatrist’s office—this is a morning show!

If you’re gonna’ cash the paycheck Shepherd then look alive, pick up a fucking newspaper and act like you want to get your contract renewed. No, every black woman doesn’t have to argue and snap her neck to get her point across (um hello does Whoopi Goldberg mean anything to you?) but pretend to know what the fuck is going on in the world. I may be totally crossing the line here, which doesn’t matter to me, but I’m gonna’ go out on a limb and say that her retarded world view is a direct result of her Jehova’s witness upbringing. Yeah I said it! Send your hate mail letters to 1234 Latifah St. Apt. Latifah Anytown, USA 00000.

Although I spent most of my life hiding from the witnesses of Jehova when they knocked on my door like the police (apparently they don’t like Muslims so I figured I was doing them a favor). Every once in a while I opened up, or my mom/bodyguard opened up. What happened you may ask? A whole bunch of cult ass backwards ass mess. Seeing as how I grew up in a cult myself, game recognizes game. Still don’t believe me? Two words: Micheal Jackson.

If you decide to stop sulking over your dilapidated marriage, or log off your Twitter page for five minutes and read this blog post Shepherd, just know that this is out of love. Oh and if you don’t get your shit together and stop saying dumb shit, I will be forced to stone you. You don’t want those type of troubles. Trust.

Zack Morris Lives!

I gotta’ tell ya, I would’ve been less surprised by the return of Jesus Christ than Zack Morris. When I saw this angel from my ‘Saved By The Bell' dreams walk onto the set I was utterly confused. That could be due to withdrawal from not taking my sleeping pills tonight (please fall asleep soon. Please fall asleep soon.) but I thought he was like super-imposed onto my TV screen fresh from 1992. Blink* Blink* Blink. Wait, what the? Zack is that you? Snap! The best part about it is he didn’t look a day over 35! They say black don’t crack but obviously he has some secret potion. I couldn't believe he pulled out that huge ass cell phone. I used to live for that phone! Me and my brother went to somebody’s house when we were kids and one of the girl’s had Zack’s phone! It was black tho. I remember thinking: Dang that phone is so cool! Anyway, Zack Morris, you coming back onto my TV screen made my day. Thank you sir. Oh, and can you tell Lisa Turtle that I looked up to her? Thanks.

Is Bette Midler Gonna’ Have To Slap A Bitch?

Monday June 8, 2009 is important to me for a couple of reasons. One, it’s my friend Raven’s birthday, and two it’s the premiere of ‘Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List.’ If my life were a reality show it would definitely be K.G.’s show. Well if I was a 40 something Irish white lady who also worked as a comedian. Since I am not, nor do none of the above, I live vicariously through this show. What I love the most is when people start to get a little annoyed by her craziness. Seeing as how she is always in “character” sometimes it can get a little strange. If you’re not a comedian, or regular loser like myself, the schtick gets old. Case in point, Better Midler invites Kathy into her “Vegas Life” and looked more and more annoyed by the second. How do I know this? Because when the Divine Miss M was on Oprah she was all happy and what not. How does Kathy combat this? Just when she’s pushes Miss M to the edge, she asks her a really serious question like “Who do you really get excited about?” Then they have a human connection. Nice jedi-mindtrick Griffin, your skills are pretty incredible. Either way, Miss M was so over it, it’s not even funny, seriously I’m sure there was a moment in between shooting where she was like: “Fuck this bullshit! I’m Bette Muthafuckin Midler!” I could see it in her eyes.

The epitome was when the random black crackhead chick rolled up in the camera and started fixing her hair. How ‘bout it doesn’t matter what’s going on in the world, if there is a camera and a crowd is near, a random person will jump in front of that shit, throw up the peace sign and shout out their moms. What up with that? Come to think of it, when’s the last time you’ve seen a reporter in Bangladesh reporting on some serious news shit and a random person jumps in the shot? Never right? America: take note.

Moving right along, Kathy Griffin is absolutely HIGHlarious. Her show is ironic, weird, rude and tons of fun. Her mother drinks boxes of wine, like I drink bottles of wine, which to me means that she knows where her priorities are. I salute you K. Griffin for still having your show, talking shit about people, making “Suck It” famous, and for dumping your ex who stole your money and was losing his hair. Glad to have you back!!!

If You Don’t See ‘The Hangover’ You’re A Douche Bag: 10 Reasons Why It Is the Funniest Shit of Your Life

Think I’m wrong? Well there’s a good $45 million in weekend box-office sales that would beg to differ. You probably don’t know this but I work in the movie business, and by “work” I mean I have checked the weekly box-office totals every Sunday since 2005. Yes, I’m just like Rain Man, but the difference is I don’t have Tom Cruise yelling at me and making me feel all strange and crowded. That said, I am able to remember pretty much every random box office debut of movies for the last four years. I don’t know why my brain works like this, it just does. Either way, I totally called ‘The Hangover’ being a huge success weeks ago. I’m like Yoda: I kick asses and take names, but I also give good advice. So if you haven’t seen it yet, here’s some reason why you should:

10.‘Can't Tell Me Nothin’ by Kanye ‘Live Your Life’ by T.I. and ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins are all played in the movie. If you don’t think that shit is dope, your mom is a whore.

9. The film jumps right in, it doesn’t make you sift through meaningless bullshit for a good 30 minutes before you’re trying to help these dudes piece together their night. Strap in your seatbelt bitches, it’s gonna’ be a bumpy ride!

8. Bradley Cooper is so cute that I’m having trouble writing this without the dirty thoughts.

7. That fat little baby. Those cheeks. That hat…if I could eat a baby up, he’d definitely be my dinner. Delicious little cutie!

6. This movie is exactly what happens when you leave the strip and get to the real Vegas: Muthafuckas have day jobs, are not drunk and can be a little rude.

5. “Fat Jesus” (aka Alan) is hilarious.

4. If you’ve never woken up in Vegas missing some form of clothing and don’t remember how the fuck you made it to the room…you haven’t lived.

3. The ode to the movie ‘Rain Man’ is worth its weight in comedic gold.

2. The Asian dude from ‘Knocked Up’ does a very funny Chinese accent.

1. Two words: Mike Tyson.

And Your Hands Are Not Around His Neck Because Why?

Of course I’ve talked in great detail about my mentally debilitating addiction to the ‘Maury Povich Show’ but this episode takes the cake. So this chick, lets call her “The Dumbest Bitch to Ever Walk the Earth and Wear Braids” brought her hubby on the show for a lie detector test. Now let me get this straight lady, you are on this show b/c your daughter told you she heard daddy with a woman making noises in her room….but you need to be sure? Um wtf? Then when the lie detector test proves that he’s been cheating (with like eight chicks), thinks he looks better than you, isn’t attracted to you anymore, and regrets marrying you, why are you jumping up like you won something? You lose. Loser. To add insult to injury, the audience is screaming, which clearly threw her off. Maybe she thought she beat him at some game. Until the trust dusty handy dandy therapist dude shut her shit the fuck down. “The real question is why you feel the need to stay with someone who does this to you.” Silence.


Maury Povich, you are all that is wrong with talk shows right now and put ignorant black people on the world forum to buck dance and act a fool for you. And what do I do? I watch you every day. You’re a racist, and I hate myself. So sad.

Heff Don’t Love Them Hoes! Kendra’s New Reality Show… Like, Really?

As you can probably tell from my previous blog entries, when it comes to reality TV I have no standards. Wait, I take that back, ‘Paris Hiltons: My New BFF’ is where I draw the line. Anyway, as I am sitting here watching former girlfriend of grandpa Hugh Heffner, Kendra Wilkinson, on her new show, I can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on here. Although I do love Kendra (she laughs weird and she’s a natural blonde, which to me are signs of good character), I still don’t get it. I feel like I’m stuck in the Twilight Zone and I’m the only one who realizes that this shit is super duper starship trooper crazy! Dude why are you taking your new boo to meet Heff and he’s nervous?! “The ex-boyfriend is meeting the new boyfriend, that’s got to be weird.” Um no, the only thing weird here is you people calling Heff a boyfriend. Heff ain’t been nobody’s boyfriend in a good 60 + years (give or take an extra 15). Next to my surrogate grandfather Popeye (who turns 99 this year! Congrats!) Heff is the oldest person that I’ve seen walking out and about. The thing I love about Heff is that he is totally not bothered by naked chicks. He’s just not interested. He prances all up and thru spots with blonde chicks kissing him and crying & he looks like he can barely move. All he wants to do is go home and take a nap! I love it. Now, I do totally realize that Heff is sweet as pie (which is why bitches with daddy issues cling to him), the fact that people act like he’s not over 80 is hilarious. Even funnier is that people act like he gives a shit about his ex-girlfriends. He knows that they’re opportunists (except for the ex-wife, Barbie Benton, and Holly Madison---she was in it to win it) and he’s coo wit it. Fake boobs? Sure, get as many as you want. Pose in the magazine? Sure, so long as I approve the pics. Threesomes? Absolutely, just go slow and let me take my Viagra first. Heff is easy as Sunday morning, and that’s why I like him.

Kendra on the other hand….she seems very sweet but it’s like “We get it, you love any and everything black. It’s fine.” Having Too Short rap your intro, um wtf? The side ponytail and the neck roll…come on with this shit dude. Fa real. Then having him at your party “Too Short made it so gangsta. I’m glad he came.” Wtf? That is the shit that makes me think white people be on some racist shit. We’re not your little black prank monkeys that buck dance and show you how “gangsta” we are by giving you a grill and a pimp cup. Like fa real tho chica, tread lightly. But I know that Kendra didn’t mean it that way, she’s a nice young lady, who just happened to fuck a dude older than her grandfather. I mean hell, her mom was worried about her leaving the mansion. Yes that is gross that her mom didn’t want her to leave her 80-something old-man-friend but either way it’s all good. Cheers to you miss lady. You got a dude to lock that down, and you guys are totally different. Now if I could just convince my ex that opposites always work well together, I might be on to something.


p.s. how funny was it that Kendra’s boo called Heff and he was like “What? Who? This is some kind of prank call.”---CLICK! Old people man…they keep me young!

David Letterman Sings The Blues

When dealing with the age-old question of who is better David Letterman or Jay Leno…or now Conan O’Brien, I chose not to answer. But I will tell you this, David Letterman is amazing. Not only is he quite the gentleman (if you notice he always kisses his female guests hands) but he also makes jokes about people even when they’re sitting right next to him getting interviewed. Among Dave’s arch nemeses are right wing politicos and Paris Hilton. I love love love when P. Hil makes her skanky way over to the guest chair because we all know that Dave hates her, yet both of them have no choice but to be around each other. Aaaah the nature of the beast. My fav Dave gags are when he gives her a backward’s compliment like “So these are the people vying to be your BFF? Which one of these losers wins?” Hahaha! Take that you gross example of everything that is wrong with the world! Here’s a question for you, why is it that she is the person who wears the most weaves ever, yet white people think that the weave is special only to black women? Don’t get it twisted bitches, this chick put weaves on the map, called them extensions and made fat ugly girls from L.A. to the Upper West Side crank out $2gs to get them put in. I’ve seen her weave up close and in person (the MTV Movie Awards…you knew it was coming!!!) and it’s gross.

Now back to my point….the best part about their interviews, is that this P. Hil character has no choice but to take it! Why you may ask? Because he’s David Letterman. The only person that is above Dave is Oprah, and even she proved to be no match for his charm. Albeit like 15 years later, but the point is that she showed up. So to you Dave I say, congratulations, you are my favorite person this week. Now don’t do anything to lose your place on the list. No sex tapes. No coke binges. No reality show. I prefer for you to remain pure in my mind. I love you.

Bravo TV, Now You’re Just Being Lazy

Why don’t I work for Bravo? If there is anyone who likes to take other people’s ideas and put their own stink on it, it’s The Latifah. How is it that all of your shows are just a “reality” version of a scripted show? It’s like you’re not even trying at this point. And what is this ‘Prep-school’ reality show business? People who like Gossip Girl I assume like it because they hate themselves. But more than that I think they watch it because it’s all drama filled and crazy with cute ass clothes to boot. Yes that formula works well on scripted TV because they are characters. When you watch real live rich kids from NYC who pop their collars and sneak into bars, the outcome is NOT the same. In the reality show world it basically makes them look like spoiled douche bags. That my friend is not interesting.

Also can you do me a favor and stop being lazy with your summer programming? Enough with the lost footage of the NYC Housewives reunion, and the lost lost footage of the Orange Country Housewives. What’s next, the lost footage of the Bravo TV janitor sweeping the floor? Or ‘Top Chef Breaks the Health Department Sanitation Rules.’ You obviously are all just sitting around in a circle saying “Hey what show can we jack this week & make with real people?” Anyone can do that, especially me…and I do it well. Can you hire me please? So, no? Too soon? I understand.

Johnny Depp You Are Like Totally In Love With Me

Every once in a while, a movie comes along and changes the way we see reality. A movie that is so powerful that it carries and births an amazing star. That movie? Edward Scissor-Hands. That star? Johnny Depp. Did you like that…that was my impression of James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio.’ But really tho….Johnny Depp is in love with me. How do I know, because he’s looking all old and attractive on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, which leads me to believe that he is trying to seduce me. What up with that JD? You’re 45 so unfortunately it will never work and I think you’re married so that might be a bit of a road block. Either way, can you believe this guy? He gets better with age, and bought his own island years ago, straight Richard “Billionaire” Bronson style. I’m on the phone wit my girls like “How cool is he?” Cheers to you Depp. You long haired 21 Jumpstreet alum you!

Well Hello There Summer Movies. Nice To Meet Cha!

With only 19 days until I my bat mitzvah, I have decided to mark the special occasion by going to see Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. Gotcha! I’m not Jewish. Oh, and I’m not 13. However I am not lying about the sequel to the best movie E.V.E.R. If you’ve been reading my blog (and you better have been) you should know that I told Michael Bay of my love for his cinematic magic & he said “thanks!” I have it on tape if you don’t believe me. With that said, I have put together a list of my up-coming summer movie pics (aside form Transfomers). Oh, and a small review of the film ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Enjoy!


Review of Drag Me To Hell- Hmmm….how can I put this? Have you ever ran into some crazy ass old lady who begged you for a loan and when you turned her down she got all psycho on you and brought the devil all up and thru your shit? No? Well, then you probably won’t like ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ Although it is short, sweet, and funnier than I ever thought it would be (I haven’t laughed that hard in years!) the rest of it was pretty effin crazy. In short ‘Drag Me To Hell’ = a bad day at the office. See it, don’t see it, I don’t really care. But I will tell you this, the next time an old lady with a glass eye and dentures rolls up in your joint asking you for something, give her what she wants or there will be hell to pay. Literally.

The Hangover: Starring my white husband (Bradley Cooper) who was even more delicious at the MTV Movie Awards. I can’t wait for this movie to come out (later today). Because my friends and I have spent many o’ nights in Vegas ‘The Hangover’ is based on the True Hollywood Story of The Latifah.

The Taking of Pelham 123: 2 words + many dirty thoughts = Denzel Washington. I was living in New York City when Mr. Washington was shooting this movie, which is why I’m guessing her kept calling my old job (this is not a lie). Either way, he never stopped by when I was around, so I’m convinced he doesn’t like me. But I heart you Mr. Washington. Also Travolta’s mustache thingy looks pretty amazing.


Year One: Jack Black & Micheal Cera. It’s Jack Black so chances are you’ll get a good chuckle out of this. Add Michael Cera and his confused antics and you’ve got a load of funny on your hands.

Public Enemies: Edward Scissor-hands stole my heart and won’t let it go. Johnny Depp and Christian Bale shooting up shit in the 30s? Sounds good to me! I’ll take two servings please!

Bruno: Borat was stupid (damn right) this however will be a classic. Even better is that he’s releasing it the day after my b-day which is good luck. Both ‘Anchorman’ and ‘American Pie’ came out on my b-day. Need I say more?


Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince: Nerds unite! No I am not a total douche like my little sister, so I have not read any of these stupid books. I prefer to watch the movie and throw popcorn at little kids who try to step to me. You’ll lose every time 6-year-olds so step the fuck off! You’ve been warned.