10 Signs You Need To Get Your Shit Together

Many of you may know that I desperately need to get my shit together (in more ways than one). As a matter of fact, I qualify for a good percentage of these items…but I digress. *Sigh.* I decided to put together this comprehensive list for you mere mortals. My generosity knows no bounds…I know. Oh, and if you’re offended by this list that means you definitely need to get your shit together.


10. Your life revolves around television.

9. You always see the flaws in everybody else but never in yourself.

8. You spend more time on Twitter and Facebook than in the real world.

7. You use the word “swagger.”

6. You wear sunglasses in the club.

5. You’re broke.

4. You’re 25 or older and live with your moms.

3. You never finish what you start.

2. You’re more interested in buying a nice car than a house.

1. You’re still reading this list.

Kathy Griffin Does The Apollo….Son of A Bitch!!!

Ok so first, let me say where the F was I when Kathy Griffin performed at the Apollo? For those of you who don’t know, I used to live down the street but somehow I didn’t happen to see her name on the marquee. Now that could be because I try to avoid 125th street at ALL costs because I have no time for fools yelling disrespectful shiznit to me with every step I take. Yes, I’ve gotten “into it” with more than a few very disrespectful men of the blackness. So sad. But I digress. Anyway, so this funny lady named Kathy Griffin decided to perform at the Apollo and was introduced by her “friend” Reverend Al Sharpton (aka the dude with the perm). Um wtf? Is this the Twilight Zone, or are you just yanking my chain? The funniest part was Kathy getting kicked off for saying the p-word (figure out what that means children). That’s when Apollo has had enough?! “You’ve shamed the Apollo Theater” says some director dude (with bass in his voice so I’m guessing he was serious.) Yeah so she did kind of take it too far, but right outside of those doors people take it too far all day long. Case in point, one day walking towards the Apollo (I’m assuming to go shopping) some crackhead prostitute lady informed her “dealer” in not so uncertain terms that she wanted her money because she gave him a blow job. Now to a person like The Latifah who has lived in 90 cities across the country, there was no stop in my stroll. But for my little sister, who was with me at the time, she was kind of shocked. Does that shame the Apollo Theater and/or the legacy of Harlem? No, not so much huh? It doesn’t matter unless its inside your doors right? Hmm…well there was this one time when I was at the Apollo (for reasons I shall not disclose without a lawyer present), and things got a little crazy on the inside… fights broke out, David Banner yelled at me for stepping on his “$700 nikes” (which by the way I DID NOT DO DAVID BANNER. Damnit), fools were sucking down alcohol like it was going out of style, and I somehow ended up on stage. Yes, that’s what I just said. I walked on the stage at the Apollo Theater right passed the tree-stump thingy that I believe a young Michael Jackson (or as I like to call him Mikey J) rubbed before hitting the stage with those other dudes that look like him. Although I did not rub said tree-stump (germs. C’mon like you didn’t know!) It was still yet another random ass day in the life of The Latifah. So what’s the big deal Apollo? Kathy Griffin said a bad word, she didn’t know there were 50 children in the audience, I mean really. She’s a comedian so chances are she’s very sensitive so I doubt she did that on purpose. Either way, since I take joy in white people getting nervous around black people, I gotta’ tell you I laughed a little too hard. But I still love you Ms. Kathy Griffin, even if nobody else does.

BET hates black people….Wait, Is That My Kinfolk?

So yes, we know that BET (aka black entertainment television) hates black people. This is clear in all of their lazy programming…but I digress. When news of this ‘Tiny & Toya’ show hit the universe, I immediately threw up. 10 minutes later I sat down and had a conversation with Jehovah. He told me to calm down, don’t judge and start paying my cable bill on-time. After viewing the show, I’m convinced that these fools have got to be my kinfolk. To the average ear, not privy to the lazy tongue that is the southern drawl, subtitles are allegedly in order. Yet to me, I can understand them just fine. Although I will say that Toya is from New Orleans which is a totally different accent than Georgia, and Florida (where my family is from) so even though the sound of her voice is strange I can still understand her. And yes I went to, and graduated from, college….before you put the stamps on your hate mail, so fall back.

When I first saw the show I thought “Aw damn, BET really hates black people! It hurts when it comes from others, but from our own people? You cut me deep BET. You cut me deep.” Then I threw up again, then I pulled it back together. The show actually isn’t all that horrible. Yes they talk funny, seem a little ghetto (lol at “a little”) and have children and no marriages, but I mean…it be like that sometimes. For what its worth, Tiny is doing her own thing. She’s been in the music game for a minute and seems to have a very big and generous heart. She is also loyal and trustworthy which are the two qualities I like in people. I can’t be mad at that. Real talk.

Then there’s Toya. Lol. A whole other story. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she and I are the same age. I can tell in her immaturity and doe-eyed look that she is still very much a baby raising a baby and looking for guidance. Which is not a bad thing. If nothing else, she admits it. I would however like for her to understand that while the fact that she had a kid at like 14 and is now rolling in a Range, may be cool to her and others little girls in the south looking for love in all the wrong places, to the rest of us it’s craziness. No she can’t take her decisions back, and I’m sure she doesn’t regret them (her daughter is a q-t-pie) she needs to make sure that she mentions “Um having a kid at 14 is NOT cool.” Just for my little cousins living in Florida and maybe Georgia (gotta check with my mom on that) who routinely drop out of high school and have babies (true story). They need to know that linking with a rapper (before or after the stardom) does not a 5 year plan make. Either way though, I don’t have a problem with this stupid show because at this point I’m numb to BET’s idiosyncrasies. I mean at least the two chicks are showing family life. No? Not good enough? Ok. Well at least Tiny is showing how strong she is to deal with all of her family issues and still hold her head up. I admire that. Toya…um she’s….um…..she’s um….well she went and picked her mom up off the street and gave her a good talking to. No? Ok…um…..she….um…..I got nothing. Look the point is this: Tiny & Toya is classic BET exploitation of people living in the entertainment microcosm that is Atlanta. Does that make it right? No, but real talk if BET put a reality show together with black people who were not hella country we’d still have shit to say (Harlem Heights? Lol, were they kidding with that shit? No seriously, was Ashton Kutcher waiting in the wings to jump outta my TV and say “You’ve just been punked!”) The problem with this alleged black network (owned by white people no less) is that they try and copy every concept already on TV and just throw a black cast in the mix. They’re kind of like Bravo…just with more black people besides the Real Housewives of Atlanta. BET sucks and always will but we’re the one’s who dictate what they will put on because we’re the ones who do and don’t watch ( I hang around a lot of white and other non-black people they’re not watching BET as much as you think. Trust. )So who are you really mad at? You? Them?…or Jesus? (Here’s a hint, the answer is NOT Jesus. How could you stay mad at a face like that?!)

We Get It Tory Spelling, You’re Really Really Busy

For a couple of years now I have been hiding this dirty little secret from family, friends, and the homeless dude at the intersection who routinely asks me for change when he sees me dancing in my car. But since I feel that this is a safe environment I shall face my fear: I watch Tori Spelling’s reality show. Whew! Wow, it really feels great to get that off my chest. If you’re judging me stop,….or your mom gets it! Moving right along….there is something that annoys me about the show. Besides the fact that her hubby is kind of a freeloader (ouch, that was mean. I know), she’s always complaining. “Babe I won’t see you for two whole days?” [Insert alien tears.] “So I just got a job on this random show that nobody watches but the bad thing is I won’t have one day to spend with my children.” [Insert alien tears.] “Being a mom is the most important thing ever, it has totally made me a better person to all of humanity…” cut to Tori talking a whole bunch of public ish about how she hates her mom but that its not her fault. So here’s a thought Spelling, yes your mom is crazy I can see it in her face, but the way I was raised we keep family business at home. We don’t put it in a book or on a reality show, even if the other person is doing it. That’s family business you hear me lady?

*Ahem * Ahem where was I? Oh yes, enough with the complaining. It’s so hard being a mom and having a job and working on ‘Smallville’ and ‘90210 Part deux’ w/ a nanny (who very suspiciously never seems to get a break. I’m sure that’s just editing though. I refuse to believe that T. Spelling is a slave master. She wouldn’t do that.). I mean really Tori. I mean really. How’s this for a slap in the face, single moms do the shit that you cry about all damn day long. Furthermore they do it without a big ass camera crew all up in their shit so they can complain. Oh and I’ve been on a television set or two in my day (don’t ask questions, just mind your business) yes there are long hours and yes there is a lot of waiting but guess what, unless you want to trade places with a mom in the real world; or maybe the person on the set that puts it together; or a mom that works as a waitress, I suggest you count your blessings and then shut your pie hole. And in that order please. I have OCD so it must be done in order.

That said, her little son is as adorable as me the day that I was born. The little girl too. Keep up the good work, and make your husband get a real job. Toodles!

Three Days of Life Changing Experiences

I am taking the time to write about this, because these three days have been the most life changing sequence for me thus far. As you may know I have been a writer long before I knew how to walk straight, talk straight, or even think straight. It has always been my passion and calling, one that I am so blessed to have turned into a career---albeit sometimes fledgling but a career nonetheless.

Thursday June 25, 2009

I awoke to the news of Farrah Fawcett’s death. I was not surprised but still heartbroken for a woman that had lost her battle to a disease that she wanted nothing more than to beat. Later that day, I arrived on a television set to interview one of my favorite new artists. 30-minutes later I received news of Michael Jackson being rushed to the hospital. I immediately pulled out my cell phone and Googled the information, only to find that as the details unfolded things did not look promising for the King of Pop.

The next hour was a blur. A piece of my heart dropped because I knew that God had unselfishly taken him home; null of the confirmation that some needed to believe the news. I left the set, went home, reflected and sat stunned in disbelief all the while holding an ounce of hope that maybe this was a horrible, horrible dream.

Friday June 26, 2009

I awoke at 6 a.m. to get a newspaper to chronicle a memory that I would not soon forget. By the end of the day I was attending/covering the ASCAP awards which honored the accomplishments of the legendary Smokey Robinson and the incomparable Alicia Keys. As I stood in a moment riddled with grief, I looked up to catch Smokey briskly walking by me, and a slue of other journalists. As we made our way inside the room in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, I took my place at my seat to watch a tribute to Michael Jackson. The president of ASCAP took the stage to talk about Michael’s amazing presence and everlasting talent. Near the show’s end Motown Records founder Berry Gordy said a few words about Michael and his friend Smokey. That moment will be forever etched in a memory that sometimes seems to be fading too soon. I sat at my table fighting back tears as I reflected on being close enough to breathe the same air as the legend that is Smokey Robinson. To me this moment was more than exciting, it was full circle. As a child, I’d dream of being a writer. I would scan daily newspapers looking for (and finding) typos before joyously taking my findings to my mother. “Mommy! They made a mistake here!” I didn’t know it then, but I was beginning my job as an editor!

In high school my mother bought me a record player. Although we had many records in the house (that I would later take from my parents to add to my own collection), I never had my own. The first record I purchased was ‘Talking Book’ by Stevie Wonder. Then I heard a song, one that I had heard several times yet seemingly for the first time: ‘Ain’t Too Proud To Beg’ by the Temptations. I built my music arsenal of famous Motown artists and other music legends. At 18, I nourished what I thought then was a broken heart (it was only cracked!) to Billie Holiday’s ‘You’ve Changed,’ cleaned my house to a melody of Supremes’ songs, and kicked back to Duke Ellington’s ‘New Mood Indigo.’ Among my collection was Smokey Robinson and the Miracles anthology album for the song ‘You Really Got A Hold On Me.’ Smokey amazed me not only because of his singing but mostly because of his writing. Writers always love, respect, study and cherish other writers. Flash forward to this day and I am sitting here listening to him speak about his life as a songwriter. If there is one thing I know for sure it is that if you have a dream, should you be so courageous to follow it, no matter the obstacles, God will bless you more times over than you can imagine.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

BET Awards. The beaming sun did little to help my up-and-down mood. Yet through it all, I remained in the moment, humbled and grateful. I interviewed tons of musicians: ones from my personal music collection, ones from my childhood, and the ones holding my adoration. I witnessed the heartbreaking words of a grief stricken Janet Jackson plus the bizarre but mournful energy that Joe Jackson brought into the room as he came to speak to us.

I write about these experiences because they have been the most emotionally paralyzing sequential moments in my very short journalistic career. Have I always believed in my goals becoming a reality? Absolutely. Have I stuck by my dreams even when the hurricane like winds that life can bring worked to test my endurance? Undoubtedly. Yet more than anything I work to stress that if you believe in yourself and your abilities plus commit to that belief, God will more than meet you half way. He will exceed your wildest dreams.