What the F*CK NBC?

So I’m sitting here watching the last episode of ‘The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno’ and I can’t help but think: what the fuck NBC? Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? What is the meaning of this? We’re saying goodbye to Jay Leno, only he’s not going anywhere? He’s just going to be on an hour earlier, with a different name. ‘The Earlier Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno?’ Like seriously, why the fuck are you people wasting my time with this bullshit?! How am I saying goodbye to someone that isn’t even going anywhere? This is some dumb shit that proves what I’ve known all along: NBC thinks that I am a total retard. What’s even weirder is that Conan O’Brien is the last guest on the show, that he will start hosting on Monday. He bids farewell to Jay Leno who he will probably keep seeing during some stupid NBC promos because Jay isn’t going any fucking where. Dude really? Like do I look that stupid? I must. This is dumb. I’m going to sleep now.


P.S. My only hope is that Jay doesn’t take Kevin “yes boss, no boss” Eubanks. I really hate that guy, all he does is set black people back years and years by refusing to stop licking Jay Leno’s balls and laugh extra hard at shit that ain’t that fucking funny. You’re a douche Eubanks. You’re mom must be so disappointed.

P.P.S. I noticed while they were doing ‘The Best of Jay Walking’ one of the random people off the street was Keyshia Cole! Circa 2000, I’m assuming. Although her face wasn’t completely turned towards the camera, I know that huge heart with a stake going through it tattoo anywhere. Oh and that Oakland ass voice. What was this young black woman’s question you ask? “Who is this person?” Said Jay holding up a picture of Colin Powell. What did Ms. Cole say? “I have no idea. I’ve never seen that person in my life.” Wow! What was even better was that Jay tried to give Ms. Cole a hint: “Colin…” he said. Her reply? “Cleanser.” Colon fuckin cleanser! Awesome. I went to college and I’m sitting here writing this blog, she didn’t and she’s rich. Yet we’re the same height and thus entitled to the same greatness. Ok now I’m feeling pretty down….sleeping pills where for art thou?

Falling In Love With Whoopi Goldberg: One View At A Time

And now for my next trick ladies and gents I will talk about a subject often passed over in pop culture. A one miss Whoopi Goldberg---born name Caryn Elaine Johnson. Is it just me or does America (and possibly the world) not understand what a gem this lady is? And let’s not forget she is the real breakout star of The View. No not you Hasslebeck w/ your stupid ass loud views, or you Joy Behar with your super liberal menopause jokes, or you Barbara Walters with your old ladyness, and definitely not you Sherri Shepherd with your can’t get over my husband that cheated on me 3 yrs ago even tho I’m super rich and don’t know that the world is not flat. No way Santiago! There is only one star of that loud, unrehearsed set-up that reminds me of the voices in my head and her name is Whoopi Freakin’ Goldberg. Do you know how much of a g she really is? Whoopi is the only lady in the game that can tell Barbara Walters to shut her pie-hole without missing a beat. Her words are venomous, yet pleasantly exhilarating. Sherri starts talking more shit about her stupid ex-husband who is probably not even thinking about her, and Whoopi shuts that shit down with the quickness. “Get over it Sherry.” Bam! Pow! Whomp! Hasslebeck starts arguing about liberalism being the devil even when they’re not even talking politics and Whoopi says: “Cut it out Hasslebeck. Stop acting like Republicans haven’t been crooked and making decisions that will make them more money and keep their friends in office.” Shazam! Kurplunk! Wazoo! Perhaps her biggest F-U to the show is the fact that she refuses to wear anything less than that of a homeless man on a chilly New York afternoon. Clogs? Check. Oversized shirt? Check. Worn out and possibly faded loose fitting stir-ups? Check. Whoopi Goldberg, you are the man! I was watching Jimmy Fallon and Whoopi straight showed up wearing a leather jacket and a scarf! Like she was headed straight to Gristedes to buy some meat for dinner! Who but Whoopi could do that?! I love her man. I really really do. She jumped into that seat on Fallon’s show, told a few jokes, talked about not flying in 37 years, then rolled the fuck out before the next segment! That my friend is some g shit. All you other bitches who love your names all up and thru some gossip mags (this means you John, Kate and the plus eight), or you Miss California chick who doesn’t believe in “opposite marriage” but is all for tiny fake boobs. This my friends is not the way to build a lasting career in this town. Instead, star in like a million little movies in the 80s, then win an Oscar for one major movie, throw in a Grammy, Emmy and a Tony then fall off the radar. Then re-emerge as a co-host on a show where bitches just scream and you put them in check. This is how to make it in Hollywood. This is Whoopi Goldberg’s true Hollywood story. I salute you!

This Will Be Short & Tight…

Maybe you care, maybe you don’t but when the sun comes up I moonlight as a “music journalist” and have therefore interviewed some of the industry's finest (well in the urban market…I’m racist. Jokes! Madonna you know I love you. Stop it!). Anyway, while waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in, and deciding on taking 2 instead of 3 then regretting that choice when one hour later I was still awake, I saw The Dream performing on Fallon—Jimmy Fallon. In case you ain’t know, I interviewed The Dream a few months back, and I can honestly say that the 90 minutes that I spent on the phone with him was pretty enlightening. Not only did he lace me with yet another piece of valuable ass game, he made me giggle and offered me Patron if I came to the studio to listen to his then un-released album. Tempting! Either way, after talking with such an intelligent individual I am utterly confused as to why he chooses to wear such tight shirts and jean-jackets like the one on this performance. My good friend calls his shirts “smedium” which makes me giggle but anyway. As a “curvy” women—since that’s what all the white bitches are calling it these days—I know what its like to squeeze into a pair of tight ass jeans. I know how it feels to break a sweat from trying to skoot these 36” inch hips into some Buffalo’s by David Buitton. So why would you specifically grab the smallest jacket they make and put it on Terius? I thought I loved you (as an artist. Christina Milian is tappin’ that ass…respect!) But now, I’m just confused. Peep the video below.

Paper Covers Rock: Katy Perry beats Lady Gaga

Now I know what you’re thinking, this blog is called Latifah and the Boob Tube, not Latifah and the Music industry. To that I say mind your own business, it’s my blog and I can write whatever I want. I chose to pit these two eclectically dressed female vixens who both choose to “just say no” to pants against each other because I’m bored. After visiting a couple of blogs, one showing Lady Gaga’s Rolling Stone cover, and the other showing Katy Perry’s Complex Magazine shoot I decided to wage a war. Though I understand that their music is different, they both get the gays going in your favorite rainbow club, and that to me says staying power. Really though, I just think that Lady Gaga is fuckin’ lame. Yes, I like her wigs…and her new weave in her latest video shot on the Blue Line fake “subway” in LA which I affectionately nicknamed: The Devil’s Choo Choo Train. But other than that?…I got nothing. Peep this bitch, just because you’re a weird ass Italian chick who calls herself Gaga as a tribute to Queen’s Radio Ga-Ga, does not make you tight. Listen up Stefanie Joanne Angelina Germanotta, you’re still a douche. But you can sing and I will therefore allot you one free minute of praise on The Latifah’s blog. However, the coupon is not redeemable at all locations, so make sure you read the fine print. A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, put this Gaga lady’s ‘Poker Face’ song as her ringback tone. Wtf? Are you kidding me? A world where one minute it’s Gaga and the next it’s Lil Wayne is a world that I cannot live in. Seriously, is it just me or does all of her fucking songs sound the same? And no I don’t mean merely the disco/rave strobe-light beats, I’m talking about melody, incessant hooks…the whole nine. It’s all too “put together” and thus too stupid for a woman of my advanced musical brain waves. In 20 years bitches are going to remember the night they snorted a line of coke to “Just Dance” by that chick who always wore leotards…what’s her name again? Um yeah Gaga that’s your future. That said please soak up the limelight, continue to wear stupid looking hats and pretend that they are art-deco or artistic when really you’re just trying to be “different” by wearing the most outrageous shit you can think of. For what it’s worth tho Stefanie I will say that some of your outfits are cute, and thus there are things that only you can rock (which is indeed craft…one that Beyonce has yet to perfect). When it comes to everything else, no I will not lick your ass like all these other lost bitches around here. Since I work in the "music industry" I have been getting bombarded with copies of your first single since I moved to NYC in 2006. That shit was trash to me then and that shit is trash to me now. Just because someone plays a character and is thus always in character does not means she’s cool. It means that she’s just as nerdy and insecure as your are.

Now when it comes to Katy Perry? That’s a whole different story. Besides consistently rocking arguably some of the sickest stilettos I’ve seen in years, K.P. is bad ass. Her fucking parents were traveling ministers! If that shit ain’t fuckin gangsta I don’t know what the fuck is. Matter-fact, let me be the first to say that that shit is more gangsta than having an Italian name and being totally removed from reality Gaga. Yeah I said that shit. To make matters even more off the fuckin hook, Katy Perry’s parents were straight up NOT feeling her break-out single ‘I Kissed A Girl’ & what the fuck did she do? She fuckin embraced that shit, AND used her mom’s maiden name to create HER stage name. Katy Perry is a fuckin pimp. Then there’s Travis, the tattooed, pierced, wavy haired wonder who rapped then sung his way into my heart with a little ditty called ‘Cupid’s Chokehold.’ Katy Perry was tappin’ that shit for years, way before bitches like Lady Gaga finally felt strong enough to take her circus act on the road. Fall back bitch, there’s a new sheriff in town and in-case you ain’t know, she’s strapped w/ a leotard, 7-inch heels and a jet-black bob haircut that is only rivaled by Uma Thurman in ‘Pulp Fiction.’ Katy Perry you are the shit, now if you’ll excuse me, I must rob you for your shoes. Just put them in the bag, and nobody gets hurt.

Un-Hand Me Real Housewives of New Jersey!!!!

Man this feels just like a crack addiction (from what I’ve heard). Up at all hours of the night, can’t wait to get some more….Gotta get this Real Housewives of New Jersey monkey off my back. Riddle me this weird old lady with the tight leather-colored face---birth name Danielle-- what is the point of being with a young dude if he looks like an old dude? I mean really, where are the perks here? He’s fat and balding. He might as well be 40! Oh wait, and did you just say: “I mean I have the pussy.” Blink* Blink* Blink* Did that just really happen or is my mind playing tricks on me? Oh and what about this same crazy lady bustin’ all up and thru Jacqueline and Theresa’s play date. Wtf lady?! Do you not know when people don’t like you? Clearly, I just answered my own question. Why are you even questioning if you should break-up with your young/old boyfriend? Have you not seen him? Wait, have you not seen yourself. This is craziness!

Then what’s with the flip-out? Like lady what side of the fence are you trying to ride here? The sexy old lady who’s face looks too tight, and thinks young guys really love her…when secretly she’s insecure no matter what age the guy is? Or do you want to play mom/housewife? Pick a side and stay on it, you’re making my head hurt.

In other news, who woulda thought that the housewife that I would like the most is the scary Sopranos one? (Who by the way said she’s does not appreciate such a reference so me just writing that puts me in fear of getting “whacked”). Like me, and the rest of America, she thinks that Danielle is a straight up psycho. Now if I could just get her realize that living in New Jersey is as crappy as a porto-potty in Times Square, we could actually be friends.

I however do not appreciate Bravo teasing me and ultimately tricking me into thinking that THIS was the episode where “all fake people will be revealed”---or something like that. Instead the whole episode just flew buy. Matter fact I think I remember the stage-mom lady taking daughter Gia’s pics to an agent who demanded that she wipe the New Jersey stink off those photos and come back more prepared. I also think I remember somebody getting a lame ass white Jeep Cherokee (aren’t you guys rich? Wtf?). Either way, hurry up and roll thru Tuesday, June 2, 2009, so I can get the hit that I’ve been waiting for! I need to go to rehab….but Amy Winehouse said “No! No! No!” and from what I’ve seen of her pics in St. Lucia she is clearly a role model.

Welcome To My Life, A&E Chronicles OCD on ‘Obsessed’

While trolling the internet the other night I came across a show about ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) on A&E called ‘Obsessed.’ Whether you know it or not, I myself have a few ocd tendencies of my own. Stop judging me right now! I mean it. Of course for me it started as a kid (like 8 or so…who knows) having to touch things with both hands, not stepping on cracks, oh and my favorite and most annoying ocd “ritual”: counting any and every fucking thing that I see. As you can probably guess living a life with ocd is pretty much hell. Throw in a fear of germs and that’s basically a recipe for disaster. I myself got rid of some of my ocd tendencies by going to college and being forced to live with and be around thousands of other human beings on the daily. Somewhere along the way, a good friend of mine foolishly picked up my fear of germs (maybe she thinks its cool…I’m not really sure) as I tried to drop it. Now at 25, I have long since decided that all the other stuff can go, but the germ things stays. Nowadays I pick up other ridiculous ocd things from watching too much t.v. (which is how the germ thing first got started no thanks to an episode of Oprah Winfrey’s show. Thanks Ofrey! You ruined my life!). Not convinced that I’m a total psycho? Well, I got my compulsion to make sure that everything in my refrigerator are facing forward from Simon Cowell. The idea to vacuum in straight lines from David Beckham, oh and the idea to line up my shoes and color-coat my closet from myself (genius I tell you! Genius!). So imagine my horror when I turned to the show on A&E and saw glimpses of my life. One guy washed his hands up to 30 times a day. Me…I have class so I wash my hands about 5-10 time a day (depending on what I’m doing). Yes I’m the person that sanitizes remotes controls in hotel rooms (you’d be surprised how much bacteria lives there people), wipe down doorknobs, and still counts everything that I see. The last one is the only one that really gets on my nerves, but I’m too lazy to get help for it.

The point of this blog is to say that watching ‘Obsessed’ on A&E made me grateful that I have not let me ocd take over my life. Although I’d rather die than touch a doorknob, every once in a while I will attempt to touch one as a form of shock treatment. I usually chicken out, but I can proudly say that in the past 10 years, I have touched at least 5 doorknobs with my whole hand! That is growth! Be that as it may, this show is totally crazy. Like there was this lady whose father died in a car accident and she kept his bloody clothes in a box only to put them on every night to try and figure out exactly how he died! I mean really? If that wasn’t spooky enough, her young son caught her and asked her if she was wearing “grandpa’s clothes.” She lied until he opened the box to see his grandfather’s bloody clothes and started crying. It was so sad. Mainly because I know what its like to do embarrassing ass things that you can’t control. So let this be a lesson to you America: maybe you should watch an episode of this show before you judge people with ocd “tendencies” then have the nerve to buy “swine-flu” facemasks only to make yourself look like a douche bag.

P.S. Oprah is the new Jesus. She came to me in a dream last night and told me this. President Obama was up for the job but he didn’t get enough votes.

So Here’s The Thing About The Hills…

Every once in a while it gets too fake for my liking. Of course I know that it is and will remain the best scripted reality show on television, but sometimes after watching it I feel like scooping my brain out with a spoon. We’re still pretending that we don’t know what’s going to happen next, complete cast of The Hills? As if you don’t get a script delivered to your door to tell you! I mean c’mon insult my intelligence but don’t be careless about it!

After viewing tonight’s episode there are a couple of things that I never realized. 1.) Audrina is actually really pretty….she should wear her hair back more often. 2.) Rich people are some of the biggest douche bags on the face of the earth. Since my first comment is self-explanatory I will just jump to my second point. Stephanie Pratt, you are a douche. First off why in the hell is everybody pretending that you actually “worked” for Kelly? It was an internship! Why are you asking her what she’s going to do now that she doesn’t have a job? What the hell?! She’s gonna’ do the same things she’s been doing: being rich, blonde, dumb and a douche. In case you didn’t know that is a full-time job in itself. To prove how dumb and rich she is she didn’t even know that Kelly Cutrone threw the party that she was chilling all up and thru. Like really? Also, how amazing is it that no matter how many amazing parties Kelly throws she will never shower nor wash her hair? I can only hope to get to that level of success. I salute you Kelly Cutrone.

In other news, Audrina word of advice: If you are going to attempt to be all hard-core after “sleeping in Brody’s bed” by saying “If she wants to start a war…then bring it.” (or something like that) then look alive. Yeah no, you got punk’d when Brody ignored you despite the fact that his Playboy bunny girlfriend is wearing one of the ugliest headbands known to man. That my friend is power. You may have won the battle Audrina, but clearly Jade won the war.

P.S. How cool is it that Spencer Pratt is not only the devil but he makes house calls? Calling Lauren with that half-ass apology? Unbelievable. Stay tuned for my season finale round-up it’s sure to be just as pointless as the actual show itself.

VH1 = A Black Woman’s Worst Enemy

For many years now VH1 and I have had a love hate relationship. It started years ago with ‘Flavor of Love.’ Yes I will admit that season two of that debauchery was so scrumtralescent that I can barely breathe (if you don’t know where that is from check a classic SNL episode). My niece and I laughed for hours on end when one of the “full-figured” girls on the show was made fun of through the use of editing magic. Classic. Anywho, this time around, I feel that VH1’s main goal in life is to showcase all the black women who are stupid loud and willing to shake their asses on national television. Yes I know that this is a double-edged sword because as much as I hate it, I still watch it. I mean let’s keep it way too real ‘For the Love of Ray J’ was reality t.v. gold. Danger is a cameraman’s dream. Oh and that wonderful song: “Danger!…she smashed the homies! Danger….she smashed the homies!” if that’s not a hit I really don’t know what is. But yet and still, I digress. As I sit and watch this ‘Charm School’ bullshit I want to punch myself in the face. Really Bay Bay Bay? You’re educated? You’re not ghetto? Sorry but I checked with Jesus and he told me to tell you that saying that you’re educated yet appearing on a show on
VH1 immediately erases your education. What’s worse is that all the crazy black chicks are always from the bay (I’m guessing mostly Oakland…we know how THEM bitches be). Like really? I mean yes, I’m from the bay (Richmond!!!! You know this), and yes I curse like a sailor, and yes I am college educated, and actually get paid to be a “journalist” but here’s the difference: I am not on national television. Instead I like to save my bursts of foul language for awkward conversations with my mom, and Sunday school. I have class thank you very much. So to all of you black women out there, tall, dark, light, bald, skinny and fat, please please please do yourself, your mom and other black women, a favor and keep that shit at the house. Don’t be putting all of your worst qualities on blast all up and thru VH1. Not cute girl. Not cute. Oh and in case you were thinking of attempting to debate this notion with me by throwing in the obvious double standard that if a white girl acts a fool on t.v. no one calls her ghetto or uneducated---SAVE IT. Stop worrying about what the fuck white people do and respect yourself and set a good example for people that look like you. Now if you’ll excuse me…I have to get back to watching this show. It’s more potent than a vile of crack and I am powerless against it.

Can’t Keep Up

First, happy Memorial Day to all of you hags! Also until I feel the need to let this go, I must also make sure to say to that grown ass man psycho that decided that stalking me would be a good idea…if I find out that you are reading this blog I will send somebody to your house, or wherever you may be and fuck you up. Oh and that pussy ass crying bullshit means nothing to me. Maybe you shoulda’ spent time in a mental hospital instead of in your apartment. Clearly you have issues.

Now that I’ve vented let me get focused. Because I never rest, and work from my bed, everyday is a holiday in the life and times of The Latifah. Tonight’s blog entry will focus on a little substance abuse problem that I am battling. Now because I feel that this is a loving environment I am more than comfortable telling you all this. I The Latifah Rashida am addicted to ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ Oh gosh…just saying it makes me throw up a little, but hey I am also one of hella damn children so maybe I like the show because it reminds me of my big family and how we are NOTHING like them. Damn all these oh so clever reality shows that know just what it takes to suck me in. They know that I am loyal and therefore play on my insecurities. I have to say though that the real reason why I like this show is due to a one hilarious giant by the name of Khloe Kardashian. You miss are pretty damn funny and thus more entertaining than I could have ever dreamed. This 25-year-old (?) reminds me of those weird white kids that I saw at the grocery store that’d be all “Shut up mom! I fuckin’ hate you!” Then the mom would tell them to stop talking so loud and pretend not to feel the cold stares of strangers (aka black people) who wondered when they were gonna’ slap that kid and throw them in the basket. That never happened. In fact the epidemic of white kids talking shit to their moms spread all over the country and one of those offenders grew up to be Khloe Kardashian. With all that said though, I still like her!!!! She’s the only one of these alleged Armenian children that looks totally white, plus she’s taller than everyone else. I love a black sheep! Which is why she makes me giggle.

Ironically, I also do not hate Kim Kardashian and her fake discontent with people focusing on her ass. I mean really? I’m black, and if you’ve seen me and my ass in the street clearly I am an expert on the subject. Girls who grew up with big asses, way before J-Lo and Beyonce made white people want to take notice, will always feel some kinda’ way about bitches who love to flaunt their backside because it suddenly became in fashion. Either way though, I like this little Kim character because she pretty much always dresses well and has nice cheekbones (on her face nasty!). Everything else doesn’t really matter.

The older one, Kourtney, she’s just old and funny, which are qualities that I appreciate. After watching a marathon of this show, I will say that I feel really bad for laughing at Bruce Jenner’s face when Joel McHale from ‘The Soup’ calls him “Bruce ‘Shell of his Former Self’ Jenner. Yes his facelift fucked his face up, but he knows it and he seems like a nice old guy so laughing at you Mr. Jenner was not right. I apologize. Oh, and your son Brody looks like a real live Ken Doll which I find very yummy!


Then there’s the mom, who just might be my second favorite. Clearly she’s living vicariously through her daughters and therefore encourages them to do classy things like pose for Playboy and make sex tapes. Either way though, she’s great. She’s all about her rich ass children who grew up with the likes of Paris Hilton (ewww), Rod Stewart’s kids, and probably Spencer Pratt as neighbors. What else would they do but become reality stars while pretending to hate that they get photographed all the time? I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling like I don’t want anybody in my business I sign on to do a reality show and have cameras follow me around until I can pretend that I don’t like it. Genius! Genius indeed. So yes you feisty Kardashians, you have done well. You hooked me. Congrats.

Superman? I'll Show You Superman Dwight Howard

I may or may not have had a run-in with a social rapist. Because I am dramatic and clearly have little regard for humankind, I am forced to compare what I experienced to social rape. This basically means force....not sexual. Just hearing "no means no" and deciding that you don't care. Now that I've got that off my chest lets get back to basics.

Earlier this evening I was watching this thing called basketball. I made it about 20 minutes into a game between Orlando and Cleveland. If you don't already know, I loves me some Cleveland. Is it b/c of LeBron? You damn right. But not b/c you think I'm a total follower. My love respect and admiration for LeBron James came during All Star weekend. I believe it was 2008 cuz in 2007 I was in Vegas getting it in while trying to hide from my stupid ex boyfriend, so I don't remember watching much t.v. Anyway, I started to love LeBron when his teammate Boobie was playing in the rookie game or maybe it was some other game...either way LeBron had his back. Wearing a cute tan jacket he screamed: "Go Boobie! Lets go Boobie! Marry me Boobie!" Ok, so that last part was all me...but the point is that is when I thought, 'damn this dude is a real team player.' Not like that fake ass Kobe Bryant character who is so foul his basketball game has no choice but to be fuckin sick (aka amazing). Unlike Kobe, LeBron is not all about the LeBron show. In my eyes he's the guy who's not always tryna take the spotlight but he deserves it so he always shows up. Kobe on the other hand likes to rape the spotlight until its limp and laying on the ground trying to crawl away. Then words starts to come out that he's a fuckin douche fuckin bag whose coach didn't even wanna fuck with him a few years ago. Then he'll do some ill shit like score 81 fucking points in a game to make you forget about the other stuff. This my friends is the cycle of abuse...in case you ain't know.

Now imagine my surprise when I realized that I turned to 'Down Home With The Neely's' to see what they were cooking then got side tracked with a social rapist who wouldn't let me get off the phone, only to forget about the game all together. And then what happens? LeBron does some super fly shit like shoot the game winning three pointer and shuts that shit down. Here's your ass whoopin Orlando Magics. Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

I Heart Isaac Mizrahi

As you probably don’t know I have been in love with a well-known designer who changed the game by being among the first to start an affordable version of his clothing line for a discount store that shall remain nameless. But alas, this is not why I love Isaac (that’s what I call him), I love him because he is in a word: amazing.

From his crazy tussled hair, to over-sized shirts and cuffed pants with dress shoes and no socks. No sarcasm here ladies and gents Isaac is the man. So imagine my surprise when I got word that he would be hosting ‘The Fashion Show’ on that incredibly addictive network known as Bravo. Seeing as how Isaac’s short-lived television show on the Style Network was ripped away from me just as quickly as it was put in my face, an opportunity to see him again is divine intervention indeed. Although there is one small problem: 'The Fashion Show' is pretty lame. Please understand that it pains me to say this, but Isaac is no Tim Gunn. No “Designers?! Make it work!” Nope not even a little bit. He lacks the snide yet vast vocabulary of Gunn, the German accent of Heidi Klum and the bitchiness of Micheal Kors (another one of my heroes). I totally get that this show is not meant to be the poor man’s version of ‘Project Runway,’ therefore I appreciate the effort. Yes Kelly Rowland seems so sweet, looks so pretty, and has some of the best hair I’ve seen in years…but its still seems bizarre. First, why is Kelly a fashion expert? Is it because she’s been to a lot of fashion shows? Or because she stopped wearing Beyonce’s mom’s designs? (Wait..that just might make her an expert.) Either way something about it just doesn’t fit. But I will continue to tune in, soaking up all that is left of my quality time with a one Mr. Isaac Mizrahi. To infinity and beyond!

Some Of The Funniest Shit Ever

So many of you may know that aside from downloading porn, my other favorite pass-time is watching funny shit on the internet. Because my little sister likes to pretend that she found funny shit on her own then add it to her Facebook page...I shall remain one step ahead of her sneaky ways. I have added a few of my favorite videos to my blog. Yes, I am the new Kanye West in case you were wondering. Where are you The Latifah? Nah...doesn't have the same ring to it.


Andy Samberg: The Bay Area's Finest:



Saturday Knight Live: Bitch Please



Peep Itsthereal.com. Pretty funny shit.

400 Blocks and Running from jeff on Vimeo.

Congrats Other Dude Who Won American Idol: You ARE the Weakest Link

If you’re like me you spent less time watching the finale of America Idol and more time getting drunk as a funkin’ skunk in some random ass Los Angeles club next door to the ‘Dance Flick’ premier. Oh by the way, I saw you Keenan Ivory Wayans with that white chick from ‘The Game’. My boo (I mean ex boo….the horror!!!) told me you guys were getting it on real jungle fever like all up and through the Sherman Oaks 24 Hour Fitness Gym…but you ain’t heard that from me.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, that America Idol finale. So for a good 10 minutes I watched the finale only to take to the AP (known to mere mortals as the Associated Press) to find out who won early. So Mr. Guy who wanted Adam Lambert to win, let me be the first to tell you congratulations. Although I have no idea who you are I love the fact that you just randomly decided to audition for Idol as a “road-trip thing” and you just got lucky. You know what luck to me is? Finding a fuckin’ dollar in my fuckin’ jeans. THAT my friend is a good day! But I digress. The point is what part of the game is this? You just stumble in, not really even caring and you end up winning the whole damn show? Especially when that Adam dude always dressed for the occasion, asked for extra eyeliner, painted his nails all pretty then hit crazy high notes even when the song didn’t call for it---yet you won. Wtf? I don’t know about you but I’d rather that American Idol fall the fuck back. But since it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere what the fuck is up with dudes winning shit when they could care less? I’ve been living my life that way for years and I have yet to win a fucking thing! This is bogus. I’m done talking.


P.S. CW network you are an official douche. Thanks for canceling ‘The Game’ now I will be forced to thrash you.

P.P.S. Why is Lionel Richie on The Tonight Show? I am going to egg you when I see you Lionel Richie. Now more than ever I’m convinced that the apocalypse is upon us. Rats.

Hey Housewives, Your New Jersey Is Showing

Yes I’m ranting again about this ‘Real Housewives from The Garden State’ situation. Really, I have a few questions. Divorced lady who was stood up by a dude you met on the internet, can you do me a favor and leave the planet? No seriously, I’m not being funny. Perhaps a woman of your mindset would be better suited on a planet like Mars. Riddle me this wonderfully lazy lady, how is it that you are begging your ex-husband to let you go and give you your “financial freedom” by paying you money for your settlement? That’s like asking someone to kill you to keep you alive. Do you get where I’m going with this? You’re a psycho. Since I am a firm believer in the fact that children are every parent’s legacy and/or offering to the world, I gotta’ tell you…your score is looking pretty bad. Explain to me how you are raising two girls, who will hopefully become wonderful women, and teaching them that a man has to take care of them? Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being “taken care of” but there is something terribly wrong with being so stupid that should he leave (and if you over-tan, get a gross facelift, and grosser breast implants…chances are he will) you will be left with nothing to stand on. Please leave. Please. Oh and dating a fat younger man that goops his hair back with bottles of hair gel does NOT make you look sexy. It makes you look old. Note to ALL white women who think that this is ok: You are NOT I repeat NOT Demi Moore, or Kim Cattrall. Those women are amazing with or without young husbands/boyfriends. You however are not. So stop it.


Dina? Your cat is as hairless as your soul is black. Lol…so mean. Really though what’s with rich people feeling the need to get gross ass hairless cats that are clearly unattractive? I mean let’s face it, when’s the last time a hairless cat looked in the mirror and said “Golly I am gorgeous!” Um no, it doesn’t work that way. Hairless cats hate themselves, which is why they always look so damn depressed. You carrying one makes you look like Dr. Evil, and seeing as how he is a power-hungry fictitious character, that is not a compliment. Also, about the “getting an assistant” even when you don’t really need one” that shit is played. How played? As played as pretending that living in New Jersey is actually a good thing.

Hey Bravo….Do Me A Favor and Blow It Out Your Ass

Okay that was harsh…I promise I won’t do it again. I love you. Anyway, seriously with this Real Housewives of New York million-hour long reunion? Like really this is what we’re doing? Enough! Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good meaningless cat fight against rich white women in New York just like the next person…but I mean really. Was there anything in particular that we learned from this reunion special? Um…I don’t think so but it was entertaining.

Kelly Bensimon is that cheerleader chick in high school that knows that all the nerds secretly want to be her friend. So what does she do? Lure them in only to turn them down and pretend she doesn’t speak English. “Bethenny what are you talking about? Stop it! Just Stop it!” I will say however that at least she’s consistent. “LuAnn what are you talking about? Stop it! I mean who cares? Why are we even talking about this?” Um yeah miss lady, I’ve got news for you: you’re on the Real Housewives of NYC Reunion Special. Remember when that black Lincoln town car picked you up and dropped you off at Cipriani’s? Yeah they weren’t just doing that because you are Kelly. They were doing that because you have a contractual obligation. So look alive Kelly! I mean geez.

Oh Ramona…sweet psycho and apparently crazy-eyed Ramona. I live for your idiosyncrasies I really do. You keep me young! I would tell you to change but that would be pointless. So hows about you do me a favor and try to get as crazy and delusional as you can? Also if you’re not too busy can you also turn up the volume on the “annoying your daughter” meter? Right now you’re at a seven and I need you at a 10.

Jill Zarin, I wish you were my mother but I already have one. Either way your delightful New York jewishness is the stuff that dreams are made of. Keep up the good work!

Alex, gross. Even though you seem to have a good heart, you have forced me to be superficial and judge you merely on the outer. Work that out. You, Simon, Johan and Francois…go work that out.

LuAnn, as much as I try to hate you, I cannot. Yes you are classist and egregious. Of course you deny it and blame it one editing. Why because people that are like that usually have no idea they can be such douche bags. Honestly I think you are a few steps from saying: “What do you mean? I have plenty of black friends! My gardener is black.” Also I sensed a bit of a ‘tude when talking about your ex-husband’s new lady partner. They (meaning your ex and possibly Jesus) didn’t want her to be looked as just “Ethiopian” so they said she was a princess. Now explain to me what the hell that means? Are you implying that your husband is just like you and wouldn’t dare date a black person (African if you will) without them having a title so as to make it look better? Since birds of a feather usually flock together, I wouldn’t put it past him.

Bethenny, if I come back in another life I would definitely like to be you. Or maybe just me to like the fifth power. That wit. Those weird boobs. That black hair. You are such a rebel! No seriously, I think you’re pretty awesome. One question though: when you say you “have no parents” does that mean they are dead of just dead to you? This question has been keeping me up at night so please put me out of my misery.


In a nutshell the reunion was just whatever. Entertaining? Always. Too Long? Absolutely. Incessant yelling until my ears bled? All day. But still enough is enough. The only thing any person should be doing for seven hours is working, having sex or building a time machine. Since your special didn’t fall in any of those categories Bravo TV I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you an ‘F.’ Now if you would kindly return my hearing and a few hours of my life back and get out of my house. Hmmm...wait now that I think about it a one Mr. Donald Trump also bombarded me with an extra long finale. His show is on NBC and Bravo is owned by NBC. Thought you could trick me huh? Well think again! Check and mate.

Maury Povich..You Sneaky Little Bastard

Ok so here’s the thing, because I’m home all day writing up your favorite news stories and interviewing some of your favorite artists, I have a lot of down time. What do I do to fill such time? Watch Maury Povich and then hate myself for doing so. Today’s episode was extra juicy (and by juicy I mean brought me one step closer to gouging my eyes out): Too Much Sex and Fighting Teen Girls Confronted! As if that title wasn’t daring enough, of course the guests took it to a whole other level. The one who stuck out the most was Akiyah. A 15 year old who slept with over 20 or 50 (can’t remember) men, plus had like three miscarriages, and maybe gave birth to an alien baby. Who knows. Anyway, the best thing about this child was that she looked at Maury like he was an idiot (wait, she may be on to something actually). “Am I having un-protected sex? Of course. Duh!” Now I may be overshooting it, but from what I’ve seen of this young lady she seems like an amazing person.

To add insult to injury she was like beating her mom and telling her to shut-up. So what do you ask is the remedy for such wayward behavior? Getting drill sergeants to scream at every girl while being so close they can swap spit. Even though I have been (secretly) watching this show for years I keep scolding myself. Why do I like this stuff? Why do I hate myself? Why am I sitting in the fucking house all day watching Maury? So to you Mr. Maury Povich-Chung I say you are clever indeed. Killing my brain cells off one by one with all these paternity test, teen sex romps, and “man or woman?” shows? Clever indeed.

Jimmy Fallon I Adore You But.....

....things are getting a little awkward. So here's the deal Mr. James Thomas Fallon, you are pretty much amazing this I will give you, but when it comes to the show...not so much. Wait! Wait! Before you start throwing eggs at me just let me finish. Seems to me like Late Night With Jimmy Fallon is turning into Jimmy Fallon reunites with his SNL family that make him laugh harder than he makes them laugh. Now I totally understand that you are less of a comedian and more of an impressionist (which you are amazing at by the way) but seriously...it's getting kind of weird for me. Almost to the point where I have to cover my eyes only because your nervousness is starting to permeate through my television screen. I know you are still getting your sea legs and I also know that Conan O'Brien is a tough act to follow (I mean still doing 'In The Year 2000' way after the year 2000 is pretty much genius)but step it up Fallon. Get your head in the game and just go for it. If people don't laugh kick them out of the studio and invite other people who will laugh. And if those people don't laugh then hire a studio audience & pay them to laugh. Do whatever it takes (you can hire me if you want...although I do live in CA so the commute would probably be a bitch) just please please don't ever let me see members of The Roots wearing mullet wigs EVER again. Seriously, like I can't EVER see anything like that again, or my brain will explode. Ask my doctor...it's the truth.

Anyway, that's basically all I wanted to tell you James Thomas Fallon. I'm pulling for you so get this show out of the crapper or I will be forced to put my hand in some baby powder then bitch slap you to high heaven. I don't want to have to do it, but I'm definitely not against it.

New Jersey Does NOT = Class

Ok, so just when I thought Bravo could not hook me anymore with their random ass “housewives” who all turn out to be nothing more than lucky ladies with rich husbands (granted, not everyone falls in that category…some of them do actually work) they go and drop this New Jersey bomb on me. Let me tell you this much, as a former resident of New York City I can say with complete confidence that New Jersey is stank, lame, and only good for the malls. What’s worse is that everybody in New Jersey knows that their whole state is trash, but they calm themselves down by knowing that they are just a bridge or tunnel ride away from NYC. Either way Bravo, your crazy big-haired over-tanned (and possibly at risk for skin cancer…seriously that is NOT ok) Jersey girls are pretty damn entertaining if nothing else. Already my favorite character is Caroline, who I have very affectionately nicknamed Tony Soprano. Your family is as thick as thieves….we know…and if we cross you we’ll be sleeping with the fishies. We get it. You’re crazy and you’re from Jersey so you clearly have nothing to lose. Yet even still, I like you miss lady. I’m always drawn to crazy ass Italians that think the world is scared of them simply because they are Italian. Well guess what?… I’m black so take that!

Anyway…let’s go down the line of the other cast members. Dina, Caroline’s baby sister, not too interesting. Very typical, big hair and brown skin. When will people learn that being super skinny with fake boobs that look detached from your frail body is NOT cute? Hmm….but then again, I don’t know for sure that her boobs are fake, I do however know for sure that her skin is gross. Perhaps the best thing about Dina is her 12-year-old daughter who is her best friend (I see a pattern). That spunky preteen made it very clear that she’s lucky her mother is not “old and fat” because beauty is only skin deep and not in the eye of the beholder like I’ve been told. Aahhh Jersey, turning out some real winners!

Perhaps the “cutest” character is Jacqueline, the sister-in-law from Vegas. She seems nice, probably too nice for her own good. I was totally on bored with her and her parenting skills, until her 17-year-old daughter remarked that she loves that her mom is young. Why? Because they’re like sisters! Last I checked there wasn’t much fun about having a damn baby at a young age but maybe they know something that I don’t know. Silly me, why try and befriend my actual sisters when I could just have a kid and make her my sister?! Sounds awesome.

Oh and let us not forget Teresa. Big hair? Check. Brown skin? Check. Children dressed too old for their age? Check. This my friends is one awesome lady and by awesome I mean terrible. Although her personality does seem to be entertaining, it is her relationship with her children that is a train wreck waiting to happen. One of her daughters is named Gia. This is totally not the kid’s fault but her namesake was an out-of-control model who found her way into New York nightlife picking up a fancy drug habit along the way, which resulted in her untimely death. Now I am in NO WAY saying that this will happen to that little girl, I would never say something like that. However I will say that maybe pushing your daughter out with short shorts, white stockings and lipstick isn’t the best idea. But then again stage moms will do whatever they want. I mean after all one of the industries most famous stage moms (next to Brooke Sheilds and Lindsay Lohan’s moms) was a little firecracker by the name of Jade Barrymore. Good ole Jade had a daughter named Drew, who was featured in this little indie film called E.T. Jade used her daughter to get into several parties, where her 9-year-old daughter Drew did drugs until ending up in rehab before she was of high school age. If that’s not the American dream, I don’t know what is.

Last but not least we have Danielle. Sweet, crazy, and again with the brown skin. This 40 something mom’s best friends are her children. Wow, seriously you’re just going to say that on television like there is nothing wrong with a woman over 40 having friends that are under the age of 16? Who does that? Just because your “friends” are forced to be around you because you feed them that does not make them your friends! That makes them your…..CHILDREN. As if this story wasn’t wonderful enough Danielle has been proposed to 19 times before marrying lucky number 20…whom she is divorced from. Her current “relationship” is with some guy named ‘Gucci Model.’ The two consummated their relationship via phone sex before he stood her up after two years of sexing it up over the phone line. First, do people still have phone sex? Like seriously, what year is this 1812? Who the hell has time to talk on the phone and actually get pleasure out of a sexual conversation with someone you have never met? Last time I checked only pervs and child molesters did shit like that. Clearly the only intelligent thing to do would be to meet this guy at a restaurant then get mad when he doesn’t show. Um really lady? When’s the last time one of your married friends said “Well we met online and had phone sex for two years before meeting and getting married.” If that’s not romance, honestly, I don’t know what is.

All in all I will say that Bravo has turned over yet another gem in an area that no one cares about. So, tip of the hat to you Bravo. I can’t wait for the Real Housewives of Boston, or Scranton, or Cleveland! I mean why stop there, what about Inglewood, or Tallahassee ? Clearly there are “real housewives” all over the country just dying to show the world that they matter and I for one couldn’t be happier.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sounds of Nails Scratching a Chalk-Board

Ok so you know that weird gross feeling you get when you hear nails scratching a chalk bored? That’s how Lauren Conrad feels every time she shoots and episode of ‘The Hills.’ Possibly the best part about this season is the pain written all over her face….but enough about the observant stuff…lets get to the juice!

Seriously Heidi we’re still talking about the bartender chick? I’ve had enough of this! Oh, and to that oh so wonderful “co-worker” of hers that said “Where I come from….blah blah blah” Where you come from what? Where you come from you pretend to care about a fake ass story line about some bartender who “allegedly” likes Heidi’s gross boyfriend whose hair is all one color? Hmm….you must come from Mars. I’m assuming. I mean damnit MTV yes I know this show is scripted but now I feel like you’re making a mockery of my intelligence. Heidi meeting said bartender at said bar to “tell her off.” Um yeah that’s believable. I do have to give it to that little bartender though, she’s a feisty one. Every time she talks to Heidi I can see her fighting the urge to say: “ Check this out bitch, do you see me? Why would you think a girl like me would ever like your gross ass boyfriend. Get the hell outta’ my bar or I will be forced to thrash you.” Actually MTV if you could write that into the script for next week and do a quick re-shoot I will love you forever. Seriously, why on Earth would Heidi think that any other living organism is remotely interested in Spencer? I mean she is dumb, but she can’t be THAT dumb. Maybe she doesn’t have eyes so she has no idea what her new hubby looks like. If that’s the case then let me tell you what Spencer looks like Heidi. Remember when you lived in Colorado and you went to Sunday school and they would teach you about the devil and Jesus and all that other good stuff? Well Spencer looks like the devil.

Scene two, Audrina vs. Justin Bobby. So here’s the thing, how can you walk up in a restaurant after the crew probably spent hours setting up the cameras and getting the lighting just right…to walk up in there and be all “It’s over. Stay out of my life Justin.” Um yeah, no. Your first mistake was attempting to talk to someone wearing pants cut-off at the ankles and combat boots. Your second mistake was being born.

If you’re going to let him go then do that but have enough class to at least let him finish out his contractual obligations Audrina. I thought you were better than that. I mean really.

Scenes three and four, Stephania Pratt vs. Kelly Cutrone. Um Steph, maybe you haven’t even seen an episode of ‘The Hills’ but Kelly Cutrone will murder you. Seriously, she will. Not only will she murder you and eat your unborn children but she’ll do it wearing all black and looking like she hasn’t showered in years. This is a woman that would fire her own mother if she caught her slacking, a trait that I not only adore but admire. Why would you want to work for her? She doesn’t like lazy little rich kids that have never worked a day in their lives and are so far removed from reality that they call an internship “a job” like their names are on the payroll.

Poor Lauren the look on her face whenever she works with Steph is priceless. I almost want to yell “cut!” just to give her time to gather herself so it’ll still look “real.” See what happens when you accept an invitation from a network to film you from high school to college? You look up five years later and you are surrounded by crazy opportunists (except for Lo) that will do anything to stay on camera. Sucks to be you.

10 Reason Why Tyra Banks Wants My Soul

After more years then I care to admit of viewing Tyra Banks’ talk show, I have come to the conclusion that she wants my soul. At first I thought maybe she’s new to the “interviewing game” so she always throws in a personal story to make guests feel comfortable enough to tell her all their business. That was year one. By year two, I just thought she was a crazy person who kind of acts like an only child (even though I know she has a brother). Fast forward to this year, and I am convinced that her main goal is to steal the souls of all who watch her. That said, I have put together a comprehensive list for your viewing pleasure:

1. She always wears wigs to cover her real hair & therefore wants my soul.
2. She loves to show off her skinny ankles & therefore wants my soul.
3. She tends to invade everyone’s 18-inches of personal space & therefore wants my soul.
4. She says “I” or “me” up to 100 times per show & therefore wants my soul.
5. She tries to lure me back in with weekly Top Model updates so that I will continue to torture myself and watch her show & therefore wants my soul.
6. She sometimes dresses like she has no eyes & therefore wants my soul.
7. She speaks in strange accents that never sound like they are supposed to & therefore wants my soul.
8. She pulls people into her boobs by placing her hand on the back of their heads when she hugs them & therefore wants my soul.
9. She won’t stop screaming when she gives the entire audience free stuff…as if they didn’t know they were getting it & therefore wants my soul.
10. She won’t end the ‘Tyra Banks Show’ & therefore wants my soul.

You are clever no doubt miss Tyra Banks and even though you were very nice when I met you at the Us Weekly party, please please stop trying to take my soul. I need it!

An Open Letter To Donald Trump

Dear Donald Trump,

I hope that all is well as you continue your quest for world domination. Additionally I hope that you always keep your hair extra crazy so that I will have something to ponder for years to come. I am writing this letter because I would like to ask you for something......3 hours of my life back!!!! Ok really Mr. Trump? After a whole season of random celebrities (I use that term as loosely as Dancing with the Stars does) getting fired in your boardroom you pay me back by airing a 3 hour finale to the 'Celebrity Apprentice?' Seriously, was that a joke or do you just hate me?

I first tuned in to the show to see if Jone Rivers would continue to insult that poker player lady (can't remember her name...but Joan nicknamed her "white trash") only to win the whole damn show. Like a true comedic warrior Joan pulverized her. But I ask you Mr. Trump, couldn't you wrap that up in oh I don't know....10 seconds?!! I can never get those hours of my life back so I hope that you are happy. In fact the show was so damn long that I really can't even remember all of it to write a comprehensive review/post. Because of that stunt you have made a powerful enemy in Latifah Rashida. So the next time I see you on the street (or traveling in your spaceship, which I assume is how you travel because you're filthy rich) I will be forced to challenge you to a duel.


Sincerely,

Latifah and The Boob Tube

Well hello there good people, thank you very much for taking the time to read "Latifah and the Boob Tube." You are probably wondering why a person so intelligent, beautiful and all around amazing would come up with a blog like this. To that I say...don't judge me. I'm only human. If you cut me....will I not bleed? Geeez. Anyway, I decided to start this blog because after smoking a whole lot of a controlled substance (I kid! I kid!) and drinking too much of my fav chilled beverage, I love to kick back and chill with the boob tube. And let me tell you people....I wouldn't have it any other way.

As we approach the beginning of the summer months, good television starts to wind down and a double dose of reality television starts to kick in. This to me is how do you say....heaven on earth? Indeed. That said, this blog will now serve as my daily, nightly, or weekly rant on all of my fav shows/guilty pleasures: The Real Housewives of Wherever The Fuck They Are This Week (I trademarked that name by the way), The Hills aka The Devil's Playground, Let's All Get Laid and Drink A Lot (also known as any of the reality shows on VH-1), and any other shows that I happen to flip through and feel like writing about.

Since this post is like popping my television blogging hymen (yeah I said it....sorry mom) I will treat this like losing my virginity. Quick fast and to the point. So sit back, relax and know that the next time you're watching your favorite reality show, or scripted show, or even...dare i say it...the news & u think to yourself "What the fuck?" Turn you computer on and make your way over to Latifah and the Boob Tube b/c chances are I'm thinking the same thing....I'm just bored enough (and virtually unemployed) to have the time to write about it. Until we meet again people!