Are You Kidding Me With This Susan Boyle & Kate (plus eight)?

Because the economy is bad, tonight I’m hitting you with a two for one deal. My first target? Susan Effin Boyle. What is this madness? If it’s not bad enough that the UK, and America had to admit that they think “ugly” people can’t sing (hey, their words not mine save your hate mail), then this chick has an attitude problem? Really? Wow. After signing this weird song, she got like 60 million hits, people started speculating if she’d had a chemical peel and her eyebrows waxed, and now she’s in “exhaustion rehab.” Wtf? Somebody please tell me what part of the game this is because I’m confused. All of a sudden she’s a super diva, cracking under the pressure and salty because she lost Britain’s Got Talent? Interesting because I thought that a month ago you were a 50-year-old virgin who had never been kissed. From where I sit, anything is an upgrade from that. So here is a word of advice Boyle, get your shit together, stop being exhausted (from what I have no idea…I thought you were on that show like three times but whatevs), and either get a record deal or get the hell of my TV screen. Those are your only options. I’m putting my foot down.

And you Kate of the “plus eight” prancing around here with your bikini body after birthing a million kids. Let’s just keep it real here…you had surgery. Pounds and pounds of your skin was chopped off and fed to the dogs. That body is man made. I’m sure you threw in some crunches for good measure but let’s not forget just what the hell is going on here people. You have eight children so when you found the time to work that body out and get a serious tan is beyond my level of comprehension. I have no kids, and my addiction to TV cuts into my workout regimen. Oh and another thing, my life was much easier when I could watch ‘John & Kate Plus Eight’ on a lazy Saturday when nothing else was on. So why the hell are you all up and thru my daily entertainment news? I don’t care about your haircut (that’s been like that for years, but all of a sudden is a big deal), I don’t want to see your pale brother and sister-in-law talking about how you are the devil, and I definitely don’t want to hear or picture your hubby bangin’ some 23-year-old. Like seriously, get it together or fall back. Note to humankind: the next person that talks to me about this Kate lady is going to get a dagger to the face. This means you ‘Today Show.’ You’ve been warned.