I’m Not A Celebrity, Cancel This Show.

I command you! Maybe NBC misinterpreted my prayers but I do love Heidi & Spencer but do not want them all up in my house four nights a week. What the hell? Ok, I will give you that benefit of the doubt because it is pretty fun to watch Spencer’s beard get bushier and creepier everyday, but what am I supposed to think about for the rest of the 55 minutes of the show? What’s worse is that you had the cohones to air this show for two full hours, but after that ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ eight hour finale, I don’t put anything passed you NBC. So in case you’re smart—which I am clearly not—and you didn’t see the show let me give you the rundown. Spencer, Heidi, Janice Dickinson, a Baldwin, John Salley, Sanjaya, Frangela, Blagojevich’s wife and some wrestling lady are in the Costa Rican jungle. They have to live, eat, poop, and cry together for three weeks while America knocks them off one by one. Sound stupid? Oh it gets worse. The winner gets like $100k for their favorite charity, which is hilarious because last timed I checked most of these people were broke. So your trying to tell me that Sanjaya couldn’t use $100k? Nice try. I’m no fool.

The first episode exposed the dirty underbelly of reality star hierarchy. Provocative indeed. Spencer tried to quit, telling producers that he and Heidi are real celebrities while the comedy team known as Frangela are not. Um excuse me Pratt but Frangela has been on ‘Oprah’…even if it was via Skype. Paper covers rock because Oprah is the new Jesus so you lose! Heidi is crying b/c she doesn’t have hair spray (which she really needs…her hair is craziness) and Spencer runs up on one of the Frangela chicks. Riddle me this NBC? In what dimension would a white boy from the hills run up in a black woman’s face and not get knocked the fuck out? How realistic is this? Madness I tell you. Madness. Here’s another funny thing to tickle your fancy. Sanjaya beat a girl in swallowing some white stuff the fastest. If that wasn’t good enough, he then licked said “white stuff” off the table to make sure he won the contest. Um Sanjaya, yeah no, you’re gay. Stop it. How dare you mock homosexuality by trying to make us believe that you don’t swallow white stuff with the quickness on the daily. Like what is the deal with these American Idol people trying to pretend that they’re not gay (not you Adam…you are def not pretending). Be you. Be free. Be happy. Nobody cares. This whole thing is a sham. I hate myself. Good night.