Can’t Keep Up

First, happy Memorial Day to all of you hags! Also until I feel the need to let this go, I must also make sure to say to that grown ass man psycho that decided that stalking me would be a good idea…if I find out that you are reading this blog I will send somebody to your house, or wherever you may be and fuck you up. Oh and that pussy ass crying bullshit means nothing to me. Maybe you shoulda’ spent time in a mental hospital instead of in your apartment. Clearly you have issues.

Now that I’ve vented let me get focused. Because I never rest, and work from my bed, everyday is a holiday in the life and times of The Latifah. Tonight’s blog entry will focus on a little substance abuse problem that I am battling. Now because I feel that this is a loving environment I am more than comfortable telling you all this. I The Latifah Rashida am addicted to ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ Oh gosh…just saying it makes me throw up a little, but hey I am also one of hella damn children so maybe I like the show because it reminds me of my big family and how we are NOTHING like them. Damn all these oh so clever reality shows that know just what it takes to suck me in. They know that I am loyal and therefore play on my insecurities. I have to say though that the real reason why I like this show is due to a one hilarious giant by the name of Khloe Kardashian. You miss are pretty damn funny and thus more entertaining than I could have ever dreamed. This 25-year-old (?) reminds me of those weird white kids that I saw at the grocery store that’d be all “Shut up mom! I fuckin’ hate you!” Then the mom would tell them to stop talking so loud and pretend not to feel the cold stares of strangers (aka black people) who wondered when they were gonna’ slap that kid and throw them in the basket. That never happened. In fact the epidemic of white kids talking shit to their moms spread all over the country and one of those offenders grew up to be Khloe Kardashian. With all that said though, I still like her!!!! She’s the only one of these alleged Armenian children that looks totally white, plus she’s taller than everyone else. I love a black sheep! Which is why she makes me giggle.

Ironically, I also do not hate Kim Kardashian and her fake discontent with people focusing on her ass. I mean really? I’m black, and if you’ve seen me and my ass in the street clearly I am an expert on the subject. Girls who grew up with big asses, way before J-Lo and Beyonce made white people want to take notice, will always feel some kinda’ way about bitches who love to flaunt their backside because it suddenly became in fashion. Either way though, I like this little Kim character because she pretty much always dresses well and has nice cheekbones (on her face nasty!). Everything else doesn’t really matter.

The older one, Kourtney, she’s just old and funny, which are qualities that I appreciate. After watching a marathon of this show, I will say that I feel really bad for laughing at Bruce Jenner’s face when Joel McHale from ‘The Soup’ calls him “Bruce ‘Shell of his Former Self’ Jenner. Yes his facelift fucked his face up, but he knows it and he seems like a nice old guy so laughing at you Mr. Jenner was not right. I apologize. Oh, and your son Brody looks like a real live Ken Doll which I find very yummy!


Then there’s the mom, who just might be my second favorite. Clearly she’s living vicariously through her daughters and therefore encourages them to do classy things like pose for Playboy and make sex tapes. Either way though, she’s great. She’s all about her rich ass children who grew up with the likes of Paris Hilton (ewww), Rod Stewart’s kids, and probably Spencer Pratt as neighbors. What else would they do but become reality stars while pretending to hate that they get photographed all the time? I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling like I don’t want anybody in my business I sign on to do a reality show and have cameras follow me around until I can pretend that I don’t like it. Genius! Genius indeed. So yes you feisty Kardashians, you have done well. You hooked me. Congrats.