Falling In Love With Whoopi Goldberg: One View At A Time

And now for my next trick ladies and gents I will talk about a subject often passed over in pop culture. A one miss Whoopi Goldberg---born name Caryn Elaine Johnson. Is it just me or does America (and possibly the world) not understand what a gem this lady is? And let’s not forget she is the real breakout star of The View. No not you Hasslebeck w/ your stupid ass loud views, or you Joy Behar with your super liberal menopause jokes, or you Barbara Walters with your old ladyness, and definitely not you Sherri Shepherd with your can’t get over my husband that cheated on me 3 yrs ago even tho I’m super rich and don’t know that the world is not flat. No way Santiago! There is only one star of that loud, unrehearsed set-up that reminds me of the voices in my head and her name is Whoopi Freakin’ Goldberg. Do you know how much of a g she really is? Whoopi is the only lady in the game that can tell Barbara Walters to shut her pie-hole without missing a beat. Her words are venomous, yet pleasantly exhilarating. Sherri starts talking more shit about her stupid ex-husband who is probably not even thinking about her, and Whoopi shuts that shit down with the quickness. “Get over it Sherry.” Bam! Pow! Whomp! Hasslebeck starts arguing about liberalism being the devil even when they’re not even talking politics and Whoopi says: “Cut it out Hasslebeck. Stop acting like Republicans haven’t been crooked and making decisions that will make them more money and keep their friends in office.” Shazam! Kurplunk! Wazoo! Perhaps her biggest F-U to the show is the fact that she refuses to wear anything less than that of a homeless man on a chilly New York afternoon. Clogs? Check. Oversized shirt? Check. Worn out and possibly faded loose fitting stir-ups? Check. Whoopi Goldberg, you are the man! I was watching Jimmy Fallon and Whoopi straight showed up wearing a leather jacket and a scarf! Like she was headed straight to Gristedes to buy some meat for dinner! Who but Whoopi could do that?! I love her man. I really really do. She jumped into that seat on Fallon’s show, told a few jokes, talked about not flying in 37 years, then rolled the fuck out before the next segment! That my friend is some g shit. All you other bitches who love your names all up and thru some gossip mags (this means you John, Kate and the plus eight), or you Miss California chick who doesn’t believe in “opposite marriage” but is all for tiny fake boobs. This my friends is not the way to build a lasting career in this town. Instead, star in like a million little movies in the 80s, then win an Oscar for one major movie, throw in a Grammy, Emmy and a Tony then fall off the radar. Then re-emerge as a co-host on a show where bitches just scream and you put them in check. This is how to make it in Hollywood. This is Whoopi Goldberg’s true Hollywood story. I salute you!