Ok, so just when I thought Bravo could not hook me anymore with their random ass “housewives” who all turn out to be nothing more than lucky ladies with rich husbands (granted, not everyone falls in that category…some of them do actually work) they go and drop this New Jersey bomb on me. Let me tell you this much, as a former resident of New York City I can say with complete confidence that New Jersey is stank, lame, and only good for the malls. What’s worse is that everybody in New Jersey knows that their whole state is trash, but they calm themselves down by knowing that they are just a bridge or tunnel ride away from NYC. Either way Bravo, your crazy big-haired over-tanned (and possibly at risk for skin cancer…seriously that is NOT ok) Jersey girls are pretty damn entertaining if nothing else. Already my favorite character is Caroline, who I have very affectionately nicknamed Tony Soprano. Your family is as thick as thieves….we know…and if we cross you we’ll be sleeping with the fishies. We get it. You’re crazy and you’re from Jersey so you clearly have nothing to lose. Yet even still, I like you miss lady. I’m always drawn to crazy ass Italians that think the world is scared of them simply because they are Italian. Well guess what?… I’m black so take that!
Anyway…let’s go down the line of the other cast members. Dina, Caroline’s baby sister, not too interesting. Very typical, big hair and brown skin. When will people learn that being super skinny with fake boobs that look detached from your frail body is NOT cute? Hmm….but then again, I don’t know for sure that her boobs are fake, I do however know for sure that her skin is gross. Perhaps the best thing about Dina is her 12-year-old daughter who is her best friend (I see a pattern). That spunky preteen made it very clear that she’s lucky her mother is not “old and fat” because beauty is only skin deep and not in the eye of the beholder like I’ve been told. Aahhh Jersey, turning out some real winners!
Perhaps the “cutest” character is Jacqueline, the sister-in-law from Vegas. She seems nice, probably too nice for her own good. I was totally on bored with her and her parenting skills, until her 17-year-old daughter remarked that she loves that her mom is young. Why? Because they’re like sisters! Last I checked there wasn’t much fun about having a damn baby at a young age but maybe they know something that I don’t know. Silly me, why try and befriend my actual sisters when I could just have a kid and make her my sister?! Sounds awesome.
Oh and let us not forget Teresa. Big hair? Check. Brown skin? Check. Children dressed too old for their age? Check. This my friends is one awesome lady and by awesome I mean terrible. Although her personality does seem to be entertaining, it is her relationship with her children that is a train wreck waiting to happen. One of her daughters is named Gia. This is totally not the kid’s fault but her namesake was an out-of-control model who found her way into New York nightlife picking up a fancy drug habit along the way, which resulted in her untimely death. Now I am in NO WAY saying that this will happen to that little girl, I would never say something like that. However I will say that maybe pushing your daughter out with short shorts, white stockings and lipstick isn’t the best idea. But then again stage moms will do whatever they want. I mean after all one of the industries most famous stage moms (next to Brooke Sheilds and Lindsay Lohan’s moms) was a little firecracker by the name of Jade Barrymore. Good ole Jade had a daughter named Drew, who was featured in this little indie film called E.T. Jade used her daughter to get into several parties, where her 9-year-old daughter Drew did drugs until ending up in rehab before she was of high school age. If that’s not the American dream, I don’t know what is.
Last but not least we have Danielle. Sweet, crazy, and again with the brown skin. This 40 something mom’s best friends are her children. Wow, seriously you’re just going to say that on television like there is nothing wrong with a woman over 40 having friends that are under the age of 16? Who does that? Just because your “friends” are forced to be around you because you feed them that does not make them your friends! That makes them your…..CHILDREN. As if this story wasn’t wonderful enough Danielle has been proposed to 19 times before marrying lucky number 20…whom she is divorced from. Her current “relationship” is with some guy named ‘Gucci Model.’ The two consummated their relationship via phone sex before he stood her up after two years of sexing it up over the phone line. First, do people still have phone sex? Like seriously, what year is this 1812? Who the hell has time to talk on the phone and actually get pleasure out of a sexual conversation with someone you have never met? Last time I checked only pervs and child molesters did shit like that. Clearly the only intelligent thing to do would be to meet this guy at a restaurant then get mad when he doesn’t show. Um really lady? When’s the last time one of your married friends said “Well we met online and had phone sex for two years before meeting and getting married.” If that’s not romance, honestly, I don’t know what is.
All in all I will say that Bravo has turned over yet another gem in an area that no one cares about. So, tip of the hat to you Bravo. I can’t wait for the Real Housewives of Boston, or Scranton, or Cleveland! I mean why stop there, what about Inglewood, or Tallahassee ? Clearly there are “real housewives” all over the country just dying to show the world that they matter and I for one couldn’t be happier.
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